Friday, March 21, 2008

Nasty Assed Recipes - Easter Edition

I haven't really celebrated Easter properly since I lived in Atlanta, and even then, I only did it right once. Since I've been in Florida we could never really do Easter because it always coincides with Passover and we have more Jewish family members here than Gentile, so Passover, with all of its dietary restrictions that pretty much eliminate every single item on my traditional Easter menu, makes Easter dinner impossible. So we just celebrate Passover and are fine with it.

This year I was excited that Easter and Passover are weeks apart. Welcome back baked ham, macaroni and cheese and pineapple bread pudding! WooHoo! I insisted that we have a big Easter dinner and do things up right and surprisingly everyone agreed to it which is a miracle because getting my entire family organized and agreeing on anything is usually a monumental task and only I ever dare to try it.

I also decided to color eggs and watch The Sound of Music on TV tonight because I had a bad childhood. People who had bad childhoods are always trying to do things as adults which capture the spirit of the idyllic childhood they never had but which they are positive everyone else in the entire world had except them. I fully admit to doing this on a regular basis and to having a lot of fun doing it. As a child I maybe colored eggs twice at my grandparents' house. When I went to go live with my parents all hopes of egg coloring and egg hunts and Easter baskets were shot. My parents just don't do that kind of thing and back then they weren't able to get themselves focused enough to even remember when Easter was half the time, no ALL the time, so we just didn't celebrate it and said it was because we were Jewish. I missed it.

So now I'm all grown up and god dammit some eggs are going to be pink and green or I will not be pleasant company. And I WILL be singing "I am Sixteen Going on Seventeen" followed by "So Long Farewell." You got it? Good.

This morning my mother and I started planning Sunday's events. I outlined the rules of the day, the foremost of which is "No Freaks Allowed." Yeah. Good luck to me on that one. By noon she called me back with a guest list that had grown to over 20. Most of those 20 are in the mild to moderately freakish category. I'll live as long as we have colored eggs and a cake in the shape of a gigantic rabbit head, which I intend to make. Yes, really. I am going to make a cake in the shape of a gigantic rabbit head. Again, this is what happens when people have bad childhoods, so parents, please do right by your offspring so that they don't grow up to be lame, sappy cornballs such as myself. Thanks.

My mother and I started looking for Easter recipes online as we planned our menu. I wanted it traditional (can you all tell from this post what a control freak I am?). Ham, macaroni and cheese, devilled eggs, which I can't stand but I want them on my Easter menu anyway, rolls, cole slaw with apples in it, pineapple bread pudding, Spring salad (I don't know what this is because I made it up so it would sound festive. I imagine it to be a regular green salad), maybe some greens or sweet potatoes and the gigantic rabbit head cake. Then my mother added in lamb, poached pears, creamed spinach, potato salad, caprese salad and BBQ'ed ribs. Is it just me or is that a bizarrely random selection of menu items there? Still, the menu was missing something. Obviously we can't have a holiday meal in my family without a Jell-O dish served with the main course. I began to look for one, and Readers, as usual did not let me down.

Without further ado, I present you with the Nasty Assed Recipe Award - Easter Edition. Mind you, I have cut and paste this recipe word for word without any editing so that you can enjoy its true, unbridled Nasty Assery for yourselves. If you don't believe me and would like to visit this recipe in its natural habitat, click HERE.


1 can or 3 1/2 c. fried cocktail
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1 sm. lemon Jello
8 lg. marshmallows
3/4 c. chopped celery
1/4 c. chopped nuts
1/2 pt. whipping cream or 2 1/3 c. Cool Whip

Drain the fruit cocktail and heat the juice with the Jello and softened cream cheese and marshmallows. Cool mixture. When it starts to set, add to fruit, celery and chopped nuts. Refrigerate until thickened, about 1/2 hour. Beat whipping cream and fold in. It's now ready to be put into your favorite mold.

I don't know about this one Readers. My favorite part is obviously that "fried cocktail." Take a moment and try to imagine a "fried" cocktail. Many strange images come to mind. Then we have Jell-O, marshmallows, Cool-Whip and nuts. Then...celery. Why celery? Does the celery qualify this as a salad? Is it the addition of celery what makes this a side dish rather than a dessert? It's all too much for me. And my "favorite mold"??? I don't know what my favorite mold is! What could happen if I accidentally put it in my second favorite mold or worst yet, what if I just put it in a bowl? HELP!!

You all have any Nasty Assed Easter recipes?


Nora said...

Wow, celery AND fried cocktail (whatever that is) in one dish? It really deserves the award...

Anonymous said...

I was very concerned about the fried cocktail for a moment there, and though my god, nutrition in this country really is going to hell in a handbasket.

I have been looking for creative things to do with canned salmon, since I happen to have a can of it in the house due to some misguided pregnancy nutrition binge. There are plenty of unfortunate things one can do with it according to the Alaskan Seafood council, but I think I am going with the chicken dumplings recipe on the box of bisquick except I'll use salmon instead. It actually calls for cream of mushroom soup. I'm a little giddy at the prospect of actually cooking with cream of mushroom soup, frozen vegetables and canned salmon. If only I could work Jello into the recipe as well!

? said...

You should post the recipe for pineapple bread pudding. It sounds fabulous.

Wide Lawns said...

Pregnant Anonymous. I can already tell you that isn't going to taste good. My mom makes me make her this canned salmon salad that she and everyone else loves except me because I dont like salmon. Here is how to make it.

Mush up the canned salmon so it's very fine. Add in some mayo, sour cream, fresh lemon juice, a little fresh lemon zest, finely minced celery, finely minced red onion, a few capers chopped up, sea salt, black pepper and a good amount of chopped fresh dill. Sometimes my mom likes me to chop up some hard boiled egg in there too. Other times I use the exact same ingredients and add it all into cooked, cooled pasta shells and make a sort of Scandinavian themed pasta salad which causes people to lose their minds with joy. Except me because I hate salmon.

Your baby will thank me.

Kore said...

I still don't understand what WTF fried cocktail is. Please tell me they meant "fruit cocktail".

booda baby said...

You all have any Nasty Assed Easter recipes?

Are you kidding? I grew up in the Midwest. That's our regional speciality. All year long.

There is NOTHING like the menu available at a Midwest funeral. Ham, which is obviously one of the staples of a traditional Easter dinner, is always on offer. It's ham with a texture and a taste and yes, even an aroma that is like no ham any normal person has ever seen. Or wants to.

It reads like you're going to be having one helluva feast. Have fun!

nicrogers said...

Ok.This is one of the strangest recipes ever but it tastes pretty good. Believe it or not.

Yankee Doodle Noodle Salad
12 ounces ziti rigati macaroni, cooked (about 4 1/4 cups)
2 1-ounce packages turkey jerky, cut into small bite size pieces
1 large red onion, thinly sliced
1 large bunch red radishes, trimmed and sliced
1 cup fresh corn kernels, blanched or 1 can kernel corn, drained
2/3 cup Ranch style dressing
1/2 7-ounce package puffed cheese ls(about 1 1/2 cups)
1/2 6-ounce package sour cream and onion-flavored potato chips (or BBQ) flavor, slightly crushed
12 cherry tomatoes, halved or quartered (depending on size)

1. Toss together cooked macaroni, turkey jerky, onion, radishes and corn.

2. Mix with 1/2 cup of the ranch dressing. Fold in puffed cheese snacks.

3. Scoop into an attractive salad bowl or into individual salad bowls.

4. Drizzle with remaining ranch dressing.

5. Top with potato chips.

6. Garnish with a ring of cherry tomatoes.

7. Reserve remaining puffed cheese snacks and potato chips.

OK, so is that a nasty assed red neck recipe for you or what?

Wide Lawns said...

I think the fried cocktail was their typo for fruit cocktail. I also think it was a freudian slip because anyone who thinks this recipe is good secretly thinks it would be better fried. I just have a feeling.

JDogg said...

Don't you dare bring that abomination to my house!

We'll have a nice butterflied leg of lamb, and normal side dishes up here in NY, and raise a toast to you and the family there.

Much to discuss on the restaurant front, so please call when you can.

BeerPup said...

Okay, you asked for it: Seven Layer Salad*

Oh and**

1 head iceberg lettuce, torn or cut to smallish salad sized pieces
1 cup green onions, white and light green parts only, diced
1 cup cellery, diced
1 bell pepper (green, red, yellow--your choice!) diced
1 small bag frozen peas
3 boiled, peeled, diced eggs
1 small jar REAL mayonaise (not Miracle Whip)
1 small bag cheddar cheese
Bacos(tm) for garnish

Layer ingredients in a 9"X13" pan (careful, the mayo is tricky! Spread it like icing)

Slice it and serve it with a pancake flipper thingie. Like cake. Really.

*NOT to be confused with 7 layer dip. This really is a salad. It even has iceberg lettuce!

**Yeah, I know it has more than 7 layers. Shut up.

saintseester said...

Fried Cocktail? That's great! Our weird easter recipe is creamed peas and mushrooms. We are the only family I know of that has this tradition. Everyone else I serve it to looks at me like I am crazy.

EvylFashionista said...

You need to check out this website -

It is the Gallery of Regrettable Food and I'm sure you can find some of your family recipes there. Plus there are pictures so you can get the full effect of the Nasty Assedness.

nandy said...

Lamb and ham are the traditional meats for Easter at out house. Side dishes vary from year to year in our family, as the host usually handles the meats and the guests brings the vegetables and appetizers.

I will miss my sister-in-law's father's ham in madeira sauce. No one has been able to make it the way he did, and sadly, he died a couple of years ago. He left a written recipe, but like most creative chefs, there were probably a few ingredients he kept back as his little secret, or he knew how to adjust the temp and timing just right...something didn't come out quite right when we tried last year. It was good, but wasn't Bill's.

Since I've JUST started my chemo, dinner's at my brother and SIL's, but I will do a vegetable and an appetizer. So far (knock wood) very mild side-effects, and my appetite is not effected so BRING ON THE HOLIDAY!

Wishing you the very best giant rabbit-head cake Easter you have ever had!


Wide Lawns said...

Actually the layered salad doesnt sound that bad. We make a layered salad in my family too. It's really pretty, has way more than seven layers, but it's different than yours. It doesn't have mayo. Instead this sort of Asian vinaigrette with sesame seeds gets poured over it and it's topped with toasted slivered almonds. I should get the recipe from my mom.

Anonymous said...

Would you please post the recipe for the pineapple bread pudding? It sounds so yummy.

Sinclair said...

Easter in South America is a one-week celebration called Holly Week. Growing up, mothers would cook incredibly salty seafood for the entire week. Holy Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday was considered a sin to cook or do anything. As a result mothers had to salt the seafood so it would preserve ready to eat all those days. Did I mention they serve the fish whole? Yeah, talk about nightmares with those eyes looking at me or chocking on the fish spine... This is what your dish looked like during holy week

Kirsten said...

I don't remember if my family ate this at Easter or not. It might've been Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. But for some reason, someone always insisted that my mom bring this jello salad that consisted of orange jello with pineapple in it which was topped with a layer of sour cream and finally with shredded cheddar cheese. I never could bring myself to eat it. It was so... orange.

Daniel said...

I think that easter fruit salad needs a dollop of horseradish to really give it some zing.

and the celery - that gives some crunch of course and naturally adds some fiber to make it a healthy dish

and I think you are right about them frying the fruit cocktail.

BeerPup said...

About the 7 layer salad: I was told it was really good, and got tons of compliments on it. I've probably made that thing 200 times; I used to work at a grocery store deli counter. I only made them and didn't taste it, ever.

People used to ask for the recipe, and I'd give it to them, and then they'd come back and buy the one I had made anyway. So it probably is good.

But...I couldn't get past the huge layer of real mayo. I finally had some of it a couple of years ago and it, as my mom would say. It's just an iceberg lettuce salad with a too-heavy dressing, that isn't tossed. It's all in the presentation.

An entire jar of real mayo? That's nasty. Really.

junior said...

I can't believe I'm saying this.. My family does a "water ballet" every 4th of July.. 2 yrs ago we did the sound of music.. "So Long, Farewell" was our swan song... brought the house down... ;)

Laura said...

My family doesn't have any traditional Easter recipes because my grandparents always took us to a buffet at the Holiday Inn for Easter, however, we do have a winner of a jello salad recipe that we have at thanksgiving and christmas. We call it "Bess" because on the original recipe my grandmother wrote "Bess Russell's Cranberry Salad" (even my dad has no idea who Bess is).

I happen to really like this, but if I ever saw something like it somewhere other than onmy mother's table I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. It goes something like this (from memory, not exact):

2 boxes red jello (raspberry tastes best)
hot water to make the jello according to package directions
1 can whole berry cranberry sauce
1 cup sour cream
1 cup chopped walnuts

Mix hot water with jello, add cranberry sauce and stir until melted, add sour cream and stir until there are no lumps of sour cream (there will be cranberry lumps), add walnuts. Pour into mold. Stir once when it starts to thicken so all of the nuts and cranberries don't sink or float.

Unmold onto a bed of iceberg lettuce.

Oh, and I did a review of a modern recipe containing lemon jello on my blog--look under recipes and the entry is called "channeling 50s mom"

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