Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Vacation at Home, Part 1

I have now returned from my vacation at home. It also ended up being a vacation from the Internet, but that wasn't exactly intentional, it was because I was doing a lot of different things.

I ate lunch here at Michael's Genuine and concluded that it was ok but not one of the ten best restaurants outside of New York at all and was filled with a bunch of pretentious assholes. One conversation I overheard contained this sentence:

"Oh yeah, I've been to Australia like six or seven times... or something."

That's not the chef's fault, but I do have to say this. Michael Schwartz, your food genuinely needs a little more flavor balance man. Everything I ate needed some tartness. How about a little squeeze of lemon here and there? And pastry chef lady - cacao nibs may sound cool to add into a banana split, but not when they nearly chip your veneers. Desserts should be soft, puffy and/ or crispy, not pebbly.

I also went strawberry picking and began to have elaborate pastoral fantasies wherein I think I imagined myself in a Bo Peep sort of outfit frolicking among the fields singing to birds and tame bunnies. This caused me to pick a truckload of strawberries, which I've been eating at every meal and also forcing other people to eat with me. No one seems to have minded though because the berries are really good and sweet.

I went to the pier, I organized my apartment. I was not killed by One Eye. I realized that whomever robbed my car bizarrely stole my raincoat, which was hot pink and cost me all of $11.99 five years ago on clearance at Old Navy. They also took my car's antenna, so not only can I no longer listen to my XM Radio, but now I can no longer listen to the regular radio either.

Instead, I have listened to this CD about 785 times. You may recognize it from a Ford commercial. I like music from commercials.

"Lost" has utterly consumed my life. I can't even believe myself. I started watching the dvds to see why everyone liked it so much because I have a bunch of friends who watch it and I didn't get it. Now, dammit, I'm halfway into Season 2 and I can't stop. I've dragged Husband into it as well because everyone knows that solo addiction is no damn fun at all. You have to drag someone else down with you. I hate that I like this show because parts of it are really stupid and they fist fight in the sand way too much, but I'm a sucker for mysteries and shit that's supernatural, so that's what hooked me. That and the fact that I think I like looking at a collection of insanely hot people running around a jungle. Clearly this island has supernatural properties. One of them is that a bunch of women who survived a plane crash can live on the beach and remain looking perfectly coiffed. Another is that apparently on this island clothes don't wrinkle at all when you wash them in river water and hang them up between trees, and the last is that hair stops growing. You know damn well that those women wouldn't have time to pluck their eyebrows or shave their underarms or legs. How many razors could they have possibly found in the debris and how long could they stay sharp? I can totally suspend disbelief about cursed lottery numbers, monsters that look like black smoke and mysterious hatches, but I can not suspend disbelief about a lack of hairy armpits!

In other news, I thought you might want an update on my family and their shenanigans. Aunt Kiki was here for four days. Uncle Ben Yusef finally left. Mini-T came to visit and my mom fell down the stairs and spiralled into an odd depression where she has done nothing but read conspiracy theory on the Internet and then forward it all to me. She's ok from her fall, so don't worry. She's just bruised up.

My sister was supposed to go to Malaysia with Rusty Brad but at the last second, meaning IN THE AIRPORT, when she thought she was going to Malaysia he told her that in fact they were going to Honduras. It was a surpise. I get the logic though. They were only going for a few days. Malaysia is far. If you only have a few days to visit a third world country known for its drug trade and sex trafficking then you should go to the closer one, right? And Honduras is safer because there aren't any Islamic Fundamentalists there. Except, I'd still prefer Malaysia because it looks way less third world, is really pretty and has food that I think I'd really like and I want to see those fancy buildings in Kuala Lumpur. Again, they only had a few days. I think they actually ended up in Mexico and not Honduras after it was all said and done. I am no longer keeping track. She's back and she's alive and doesn't appear to have been sold into slavery or have contracted any intestinal parasites, so that's good with me.

My siblings are each uniquely irritating to me, in different ways. I was worried about my sister. Mini-T though - totally triflin'. Mini-T came over last week trying to borrow money from my parents. His child support payment is due in 2 weeks. He needed $600 dollars for that and then he wanted some more money because he has decided that he wants to start a ring tone business which will make him an instant millionaire. Do not ask me how. My mother told him to get his ass a job, but he argued that he wouldn't get a paycheck for at least 3 weeks and his child support would be late. I said that he should go wait tables or be a bouncer at the Bubblegum Kittikat because both of those jobs would provide instant cash in hand and he wouldn't have to wait for a check. He didn't like those ideas.

I don't get people, I swear. I know so many people who complain they're broke and can't find a job and need to borrow money but none of them will get off their asses and work because they think so many jobs are below them. No job is below anyone. If you don't have money and you're healthy and fit money is the easiest thing in the world to come by. Anyone can work in a restaurant. You may not WANT to, but you still can and if you've gotten yourself in a situation, as Mini-T has through his bad choices, where you're broke, then you need to pay a little penance and do some work that you don't like for a while to get yourself out of the situation. It'll build character, so shut the fuck up and go take someone's order and be glad you aren't a migrant worker or someone who has to work in a meat packing plant.

Mini-T left empty handed, still dreaming of being a ring tone millionaire.

Uncle Ben Yusef was here with his own dreams of becoming a millionaire, but I'm gong to make myself a panini.

Tomorrow Uncle Ben Yusef and Aunt Kiki get their own post.


Whiskeymarie said...

As someone who has worked every crappy job out there, I agree with you on the whole "get a damn job" issue. If you're healthy & able you've got no excuse whatsoever. Do whatever you have to to make the cash you need (short of prostitution and drug dealing, that is.)

NeekoalinAZ said...

I understand there may be a job opening at a certain Basura HOA? He can say he is Nigerian, use an accent and they will think he is fabulous. :-)

JDogg said...

Glad to have you back!

Kim said...

I have one of those brothers who is unemployed and broke, and also above most of the jobs he could get, since he's never had one and needs to start somewhere. I actually have one of those sisters too, but since she had a kid, day cares seem fond of hiring her, so at least that accidentally fixed itself...

Milesly Rose said...

Their hair doesn't stop growing! I swear! Just pay attention to Sawyer's, because its the only one thats actually noticable, though Charlie's is pretty noticeable too. It all sort of starts to blend together when you're watching episode after episode, too. I went through seasons 1, 2, and 3 in a period of oh, two or three weeks. I am a Lost JUNKIE, I got about 7 friends hooked on it with me, and don't even get me started on season 4... auuuugh...

welcome back :) looking forward to hearing about Aunt Kiki

JoeInVegas said...

See, wasn't it nice to vacation where all the New Yorkers like to go?

Anonymous said...

AMEN! and I am not religious but I agree with you, "GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GET A JOB"!

Anonymous said...

I am going through the job thing with husband right now. Every job is just too menial for him. He thinks Walmart is beneath him. He's at home making 0 money while I'm busting my butt to make ends meet... and well.... grrrrr.... I totally agree with you. Suck it up and work.

staticwarp said...

lost is a really addictive show, but sadly it's going to end with you shaking and vomiting from withdrawal and lack of closure. the writers of the show are just pulling the most random shit out of their ass and when they run out of ideas or the show becomes so bad that it gets cancelled, it's just going to end. kaput. just like that. they will never explain all the things you wanted to know, things will make less sense than they previously did, the giant foot statue will still be forgotten and not explained or explored in the least; and you, the loyal viewer, will be left very pissed off for a very long time.

there is nothing you can do to break the addiction. i'm lucky. i am immune to lost. while all of my friends became obsessed with it, i watched several episodes and it never stopped seeming really, really dumb.

meanwhile, all the shows i get obsessed with get canceled. anyone remember carnivale?

Yerba Buena said...

No job is below anyone. If you don't have money and you're healthy and fit money is the easiest thing in the world to come by. Anyone can work in a restaurant.

You got that right. And people who already work in restaurants? Don't forget - you're never too good to wash dishes, either.

Breny said...

Just FYI--Lost is scheduled to end in 2010. The story has picked up this season because they now know the # of episodes they have left to tell the story.

Lost is my crack.

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

I've been to Malaysia. I don't think it qualifies as 3rd world and judging by what I saw the teenage girls wearing there, not particularly islamic fundamentalist either. And the food IS great.

I've always thought Lost was irredeemably stupid but then I've always watched the odd episode here and there, maybe I should give it another (chronological) try.

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