Monday, February 11, 2008

Ugghhhhhh Groooann Moan Bitch Ughhhhh No

A few weeks ago my immune system came to me carrying a suitcase.

"I hate you, " said my immune system, "I'm leaving you."

"Why?" I asked.

My immune system informed me that it was tired of my shit and wasn't putting up with my abuse anymore.

"I can't take it," my immune system complained, "You don't exercise enough. You don't eat enough. You run your big mouth on the Internet about how people should stop eating like assholes when the truth is that you may eat healthy things but you don't eat enough. Some days you only eat one meal! I can't run on this little food and frankly, you could stand a cookie every now and then."

"Without corn syrup! But hey, I ate apple pie the other day," I argued.

"It's not just your eating. You are doing too much. You run around like a crazy person. You take on a super human amount of things to do and you actually do them and well, but it's at my expense. I'm sick of you being an overachiever. And you don't sleep enough and I hate your perfume and well, I just think we need some time apart so that you appreciate all I do for you. I'm taking a long vacation," my immune system complained.

"You're being unreasonable. You can't leave me," I said.

"Oh yes I can. Watch me! You're getting a stomach virus!!"

"I am NOT getting a stomach virus and you are NOT leaving me! You belong to me. I am the boss here!"

"Ok, you're getting the flu too. You're going to have the worst congestion of your entire life. You're going to cough so much you puke. Your chest is going to heave in agony and you won't be able to breathe. You will moan in pain from your aching joints and there will be no relief!"

"You're being a jerk immune system and besides, I had a flu vaccine, so nanny nanny boo boo. You're bluffing!!"

"Ha ha ha. I'm going to give you a flu strain you aren't vaccinated against!!! Then you can have a secondary lung infection and bronchitis too!! Because I hate you!"

"You can't hate me! I demand that you stop this right now. Right this instant!!"

"Do you want a yeast infection too?? Huh?? Do you? Because I will not hesitate to give you a raging yeast infection on top of all this! Do not push me!"

My immune system was just being way too hateful for me to argue with anymore and the idea of a burning crotch along with my other suffering was enough to scare me into submission.

"Fine, " I said, "Fine. Go on vacation. Leave me here."

With that my immune system left on a first class Trans-Pacific flight to Tahiti where it's now staying in a thatched roof cottage on the water and a Tahitian beauty in a sarong is serving it fresh papaya.

I, on the other hand, have been sicker in the past 2 weeks than I've been in at least 8 or 9 years. For real. I am deeply unwell. I can't even believe that I got up out of bed to write this and that I am functioning, but I was just desperate and bored and sick of being sick, which caused my immune system to call and threaten me again, but I am, as usual, ignoring it. Sometimes life has to flippin' go on, you know? I'm not the kind of person who sits around in bed and cries. Except that's what I've been doing pretty much.

Also I have no Internet at my house ( I turned it and the TV off to save money since I thought I'd be here for at least six months because I am an idiot) and my air card won't work inside my apartment because my apartment is old and has really thick concrete walls. So basically everything sucks. Hard. I also have to work and do my school stuff and parents came home.

My parents called last week, totally out of the blue, as is their style and informed us that they would be home in two days. They were driving the RV back across the country and will be home for two months. This meant we had to move back to our apartment, which is fine with me. I was kind of missing the apartment, but I would have just rather had a little more notice and I wish I wasn't so very sick. Moving a bunch of junk and a neurotic cat when one has the flu and a 102 degree fever is the opposite of fun.

The good side of this is that my mother is here and when one is sick a nice mother can make a world of difference, especially when the nice mother is assisting in the making of a big pot of chicken soup. I'm at my parents' house right now to eat the chicken soup and use the Internet and watch their TV on their couch and let them take care of me, which I have to say, they are doing. God bless 'em.

Oh and before I go on can I just add that I think they remotely reactivated the freak magnet because I kid you effing not, they weren't here for ten minutes, literally ten minutes before some dude showed up at the door wearing a tee shirt that said "I'm Huge." As I sit here typing this in their living room a guy wearing a jeweled belt buckle the size of a hubcap, along with a jeweled baseball cap also walked in. Behind him an older man wearing a skull and crossbone necklace arrived and started smoking so my mother shooed them out of the house so they wouldn't send me into a state of respiratory arrest.

The chicken soup isn't ready yet and I really need it to be because it is the last resort in a long line of potential remedies for what ails me.

I got so desperate that I started trying EVERYTHING. You know how when people find out that you're sick they start in with all the things that they know that will absolutely instantly cure you and how most of them are ridiculous? Well, I got so desperate that I tried them all in hopes that maybe something, anything would offer me some relief from my pain. Nothing works.

My mother has been telling me for years that pouring peroxide in your ears will cure everything from the common cold to freaking tuberculosis and it will do it instantly and miraculously. Can I tell you I have poured a gallon of peroxide in my ears and it has done nothing except maybe, MAYBE clean out some wax buildup, but I doubt it even did that. I also gargled with it. I am so desperate that I would give myself a peroxide enema if I thought that might help, but I know it wouldn't.

I tried zinc lozenges, zinc up the nose, Airborne, Emergen-C, assloads of Vitamin C, echinacea, goldenseal and mangy dog root. I took probiotics and did some freaky yoga stretches that made me feel like I had gas. Then I used hot compresses, cold compresses, sat in a steam bath, rolled in Vicks and prayed to God naked on the bathroom floor. My friend Emma's mother told me to coat my feet in Vicks, put socks on and go to bed. She swore I would wake up cured. I woke up with greasy, minty feet. It didn't work. Nothing worked.

I said, fuck this homeopathic shit. I made Husband go to Walgreens and he got me enough decongestants and cough suppressants to start a profitable meth lab. Oh! How's crystal meth against the flu? I haven't tried that. I took the medicine. Nothing worked. Aunt Kiki chimed in and said I had to gt Delsym for my cough. My cough laughed at Delsym. It wants codeine. My cough is a junkie.

So that's where I am. I'm getting light-headed so I think I'll just watch TV and sob quietly to myself until the soup is done. I think I'll be back soon. I'm getting really bored. Also I should have TV and Internet at my place by the weekend. One hopes.

How are you all doing? You guys sick too?


Anonymous said...

I know your mother never allowed you to do this when you were little, but you are grown now. GO TO THE DOCTOR.
Hope you feel better real soon. The soup sounds tasty.

Anonymous said...

I believe the quote that applies here is "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Hope your immune system gets back from Tahiti soon.

A tidbit to cheer you - when I graduated from college, MG was still in business selling those marvelous little convertible sports cars. I went with my girlfriend to check out the new models. The salesman was very excited to be offering the newest color of paint. He pronounced it as Tah-high-thai Blue. The rest of the world knew it as Tahiti Blue.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you feel so shitty, but if it makes you feel any better you are still funny when you are sick. Thanks for allowing me to laugh through your pain and get well soon.

Anonymous said...

Hmm papaya.

Seriously, I haven't been sick as you for a long time, if ever.

However, last September, I had a flu and coughing that just wouldn't go away. From that point on, I was using an asthma inhaler, even though I stopped having asthma over 7 years ago. My guess is that it was the Taipei pollution.

Right now, I'm in Quebec Canada and it's -20C and I'm not sick.

I love the tempo of this post, it shows a real sense of urgency.

Hope you get better soon. Try drinking a lot of hot water.

Corianne said...

long time lurker....

Sorry you're feeling crappy.
I had to laugh at the list of home remedies, because I have one too. It takes three steps.

1. Go to nearest Thai restaurant
2. Order Tom Yum soup, preferably HUGE
3. Eat.

I swear, it works every time. There's something about all the ginger and galangal that just works wonders.


Hilary said...

Poor you. It really does sound like you have a secondary infection. When viral infections turn to bacterial infectons, antibiotics really do the trick. That being said, I resist taking them until I feel beaten. You sound like you feel smucked. Look out for yourself and feel better soon.

Sending healing thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

More suggestions!

1) If you have a juice place near you, go and get a juice laden with ginger and citrus fruits. Delicious and cold-killing.

2) Try a Netti Pot! It flushes out the nasty stuff in your nose. Works well for allergies too. I just got one a few weeks ago, and my normal 24/7 congestion has been so much better. Here's one:

Reb said...

Oh, that sounds awful, but I have to agree with Dayna - go to the Doctor.

~*~Esmerelda~*~ said...

Yes, I was very sick too, and felt similarly desperate. Except no Mommy. Last Friday I went out and bought green tea, Campbell's chicken soup because I was too sick to cook, and a Neti pot. The very idea of the Neti pot grossed me out, but it worked. I can breathe, THROUGH MY NOSE! I feel much better, I am able to sleep. I can't smell anything though. I understand that is because I have been blowing my nose 400,000 times a day for the past two weeks though, not because of the Neti pot. The tea and the soup make me feel much better too. All that nice warm stuff felt makes my throat feel better, and my tummy too. I hope you feel better soon. P.S. Go to the doctor. Your Mom loves you, she'll forgive you for going.

Alessandra said...

I´m sorry you are feeling so terrible, hope you get well soon. Nevermind the magical herbs and tricks, the old advice of getting plenty of fluids and sleeping as much as you can handle is still the best.

BUT... if you get any worse, suck it up and go the doctor - and fast. Some shit not even all the world´s herbal tea can cure.

Take care, mmmkay?

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel better, it's not just you. Hundreds (yes, hundreds!) of students at my college got the flu. It got so bad that they started giving out vaccines for free, and made the sick people go home for five days. I didn't get it, though before the epidemic I thought I had the flu. It turned out to be another anemic episode. My boyfriend had the flu (lucky for me we live 400 miles apart). I, somehow, with chronic health problems up the tuckus, managed not to get it.
I hope you feel better, being sick is terrible. I'm glad you felt good enough to write, though, I've missed your updates!

Anonymous said...

airborne. everyone i know has been sick (including my lover boy, whom i still kissed when he was running a 102 degree fever because i like kissing him)(ok, it was just a peck on the lips, but still) and i took airborne every day and i didn't get sick at all. and it really doesn't taste that bad either.

Anonymous said...

More homeopathic suggestions:

I second the suggestions for having soup with ginger in the broth. For me it's a strong sweet and sour soup, the last time I was sick that instantly made me feel worlds better.

Also gargling with apple cider vinegar is helpful, as is grapefruit seed extract. On that, they sell it in a capsule form (business smart, the stuff tastes nasty) which I and some friends of mine take a lot of when sick and it is very good stuff. Elijah Wood endorses it, there's a youtube video somewhere in which he goes on and on about it on Letterman or something. Also, gargling with it is a great preventative. I've gargled with some heavily diluted grapefruit seed extract for about two years and used to get sick every time the seasons changed at least, and have only been sick twice since (once in response to getting a job in a refrigerator all day. Be nice to your meat department people).

And lastly, if you do take antibiotics and are prone to reactionary yeast infections try out some probiotics from, I am VERY prone to them (maddeningly so) and had to go on antibiotics recently, and had no reactionary yeast infection which is nothing short of a miracle. It also regulated some other system inconsistencies, which was very nice. Sadly, it's a bit expensive but when you have vicious recurring yeast infections for 3 years it's very worth the price.

I hope you feel a lot better, and soon.

Grumpy Housewife said...

Go see the doctor.

You probably have a very nasty secondary infection, and it won't get better until you get proper medical care for it.

Soup is good, citrus and ginger are good, but medical care will kill off the icky infection. PLEASE see your doctor!

And I feel for you, I'm trying to fight off a sinus infection before it gets rooted in. Hopefully, I've caught it in time.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking the stress factor is in play here. Burning the candles at both ends will provide a fertile feeding ground for every frigging virus and disease. Probably visiting the super market is not healthy if you're in a super stressed out condition. Also, naps are a plus when you're too busy. Force yourself to rest dear'll ultimately accomplish a lot more.

Anonymous said...

Hope you feel better, love. A positive attitude also helps.

Anonymous said...

Get well soon! And enjoy the TLC that only parents can give :).
PS. I love your writing - it hits so many different notes..


Anonymous said...

I just got over pneumonia. I'm one of those people that NEVER goes to the doctor (and I'm a nurse!) but I went this time. I thought I was going to die. There's nothing like shortness of breath to send you flying to the MD. 2 weeks of abx later, I'm still coughing, but otherwise fine.

Hope you get well soon. Funny that while you were talking about your Immune System, I was picturing "Death" from Family Guy.

MP said...

I only had a couple days of the low grade fever and the aches and pains..I felt very week. It's been going around though, I sure hope I don't get "it"...

Anonymous said...

You poor poor baby. I hope you feel better soon. Also what Dayna said. Go to the doctor... -Jenn

Anonymous said...

I'm not sick. The second that I feel a little under the weather I take the day off and sleep. I was coughed and sneezed on by my coworker for a week, didn't get sick. I made out with a guy who came down with a fever the next day, still not sick.
I used to get bronchitis/strep throat/terrible colds all the time but for some reason not anymore. I'm not trying to make you feel worse but I think my immune system is built up because I'm not a germaphobe. I wash my hands when I'm supposed to, but I'm not all anti-bacterial soap when I touch a door handle. Anyway, feel better. Time is the best healer. And drugs, you could use some prescribed meds sounds like.
Oh, and you are hilarious with a wonderfully wacky life. I love reading your stuff!

Anonymous said...

I didn't know I was sick. I went for an MRI on my back after someone so graciously fell onto me and it was killing me. Apparently the MRI showed a giant lypmph node in my chest - But I Feel Fine! - until after I went for the CAT scan. I can't breathe without being stabbed int he chest and my whole body feels like someone beat me with a bat. Death cannot come quickly enough

A Margarita said...

AW! I hope you feel better, and your immune system gets his ass back to South Florida where he belongs.

I'm not sick, but everyone around me has the Virus of Death. I've been chugging the Vitamin C and OJ like it's my job.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I had this last week and was home from work for three days. I still don't feel quite right. Good luck getting over it!

By the way, I absolutely love your blog and loved the creative intro to this post. You're fantastic - sick or otherwise.

Unknown said...

1) Go to the doctor and pick up a scrip for some codiene cough syrup. Possibly some antibiotics, too.

2) Go to the drugstore and pick up some Musinex. That stuff is amazing and will flush out the congestion and crap in your sinuses.

3) Seconding the commenter up there somewhere, go to the nearest Thai restaurant and pick up a LARGE tom yum soup. Tell them to make it extra spicy.

If you do these things, you will not be magically cured, but you will feel a lot better.

booda baby said...

I don't know. It seems like it would be a lot easier to send your immune system a little make-up/blackmail gift and get it home. Even Tahiti gets old.

Alternatively, Corianne's prescription sounds so good, I'm going to do a little preventive work. Ymmmm.

Anonymous said...

Duration of an average cold left untreated: 7 days. Duration of cold with [insert snake oil of choice here]: 7 days.

Go ask a doctor before you try any pseudo-medicine nonsense, I'm sure that pouring stuff down your ears is downright unhealthy.

Anonymous said...

Um, yes, get your butt to a doctor!! Anything lasting that long probably needs a few antibiotics like you cannot get without help. Please?
And folks for two months? What, do they think they own the place or something? Once re-established it will again take you months to rid the place of those strange visitors.

Green said...

Sorry you're so sick. The trick with ColdEeze and those things is to take them RIGHT when you feel you might be getting sick. Once you're sick they won't do crap for you.

Hope your chicken soup is good.

Anonymous said...

I had a similar flu virus and I took tylenol and ibuprofen a lot and did nothing but sleep for four days. I hope you feel better!

Unknown said...

That flu has been sweeping the country and wreaking havoc with people and their employers! I had it about 2 weeks ago and ended up missing 5 days of work, which I haven't done... ever, I think. One of my coworkers missed almost two weeks of work when his flu went into pneumonia. For both my mom and I it went into bronchitis. Hub-E wanted me to do everything the "natural" way, so I gargled with sea salt water and took homeopathic cough medicine and probiotics. Didn't really help. Finally went to the doctor and got codeine cough med and antibiotics for the secondary infection. I'm pretty well now, but I think I have a sinus infection now. It's been two weeks of a horribly sore throat, congested nose that will NOT clear up, and lots of mucus. I hate being sick. Poor you... I feel for you. (Sorry, I wasn't trying to one-up you. Just explaining what I went through because I can sympathize.) I still need to try the neti pot though.

Anonymous said...

So Tahiti? That's where my immune system must have gone. I think the only solution is to go to Tahiti and get it! As for the tom yum soup: if that is the same as hot and sour soup, then you definitely want to get that TO GO! Totally embarrassing having gallons of mucus cut loose in the middle of a restaurant.

gulfsidebo said...

just a cold.

folks are coming back already?

Anonymous said...

I hope your immune system comes back well rested and ready to do it's job. Mine recently got back from an extended stay in Europe. First I had a head cold, then it moved to my chest, then back to my head. I was sick for three weeks all told.

I heard a news report the other day that they've done studies and they can't prove that cough syrups help. I've known that for years and could have saved them a lot of money. Even docter prescribed cough meds have never helped me at all. Nothing really helps except to drug myself into a coma so that I sleep for awhile in spite of the cough.

Feel better soon.

the Bag Lady said...

Sleep. Fluids. Sleep. More Fluids. If, after ten days, you don't feel better, or are feeling worse, visit a doctor.
Just what you wanted to hear.
OR get shit-faced drunk -- it may not cure you, but a hangover would be a change...
Seriously, though - hope you feel better soon.

teebopop said...

Wait just a minute ...

Are you saying that you got this flu AND you already got the flu shot?

Well, that just bites.

So sorry you're sick ... okay, let me rephrase that, I'm so sorry you're at death's door!

Have you called the doctor and begged for some cough medicine with codeine? Because you KNOW that's the ONLY thing that will help!

Please get better soon.

Anonymous said...

Ha! My immune sys and I were partyin' it up and tellin' each other how cool we are and being extra witty and wise. Then we stepped on a cat, fell down some stairs and broke a rib.
Now ol' immune sys is grumpy from the pressure of not letting anything microbial in over the next six weeks because simply breathing sucks and a single cough is eye wateringly paingful.

Unknown said...

Sending good wishes for your rapid recovery.

I had my turn in November, when I was out of commission for the entire month. You haven't lived till you've had a collapsed lung!

You should be turning around soon, but if not, then follow everyone's advice to get thee to the doctor's office.

Yes...I had a flu shot too.

There is no justice.

foxymoron said...

See how much everyone loves you?

Anonymous said...

The smart woman knows that to end all of her yeast infection problems she need's to visit-

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