Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A Sickness Update

Thank you all for your well wishes as I try to get better. It's really nice of all of you. I figured I owed you an update, especially for all the people urging me to go to the doctor, although I can not be responsible for what I might write in my current heavily drugged state.

Yesterday my father took me to the doctor where I stayed for most of the day because I had to have IV fluids and a shot in the ass that burned like I was being injected with straight fire. I'm not a wuss about needles at all, so this was pretty unusual for me. Normally I don't think they hurt at all, but I'm telling you this one had my eyes watering. The good news is that I don't have pneumonia (yay!) and the bad news is that I am really sick, but we knew that already. More good news is that I am getting a lot better from whatever they gave me in that shot and IV. I also got a nice new asthma inhaler that is allowing me to breathe instead of the thing I was doing instead of breathing, which was taking huge gasping, rasping heaves of air and then coughing like a walrus.

I've never had an IV before. I've always been a bit freaked out about the idea of having tubes and bags and needles attached to my body with tape. I guess I always thought that if you need some apparatus like that, that you are in dire straits at that point and are pretty much about to die. Clearly I exaggerated the threat in my mind because I was not about to die yesterday and the IV was far less dramatic than I had always imagined it would be. In fact, it was kind of cool. I like to refer to it as mainlining some healing. It's a faster, more efficient way to get better and I would much rather get stuck with a needle than swallow a mess of horse pill antibiotics all week. I know that's just my own bizarre quirk. Needles are ok, but God forbid you'd ask me to swallow a pill. I lose it. I can't swallow big pills and turn into a crying five year old. I must have choked to death on something in a past life.

The IV was so wonderful that I almost wanted to bring it home with me. Never before has something made me feel so much better so quickly. I don't know what the hell was in that bag. Also, the doctor came and stuck a syringe of some other magical liquid in the IV, which he called "a push" and it was something pink and made me so hot for about thirty seconds that I thought I was going to spontaneously combust and then miraculously my hot flash subsided and I was all better and went back to reading National Geographic. Doctors are so damned mysterious. I wish I knew what all he was putting into me. Whatever it was worked. Maybe it's best I not know. I might become some shooting-up-pink-stuff junkie.

Then I came home and started loading up on medications. At this point I am a walking chemical stick. I am more pharmaceutical than human and I am really, really dizzy. I am majorly tore up, people. Last night I had one long hallucinatory dream about a guy who had sprouts of morning glory vines coming out of his chest. Then he walked down the street and found a teeny tiny zebra fighting with a teeny tiny giraffe, so he picked up the teeny tiny zebra and took it home and let it graze on the vines on his chest. It was seriously fucked up. I can't even believe my mind could conceive of something that fucked up. I think I am on the verge of writing my own Alice in Wonderland over here.

I'm still at my parents' house, which seems like the best option for me right now because I can be supervised and fed soup at regular intervals and my mother can stop me from going up on the roof and singing Purple Haze in the rain while I'm tripping on cough syrup.

While I've been sick I've watched an unusual amount of TV because there's nothing else to do. In my healthy life I'm too busy to watch many shows and I guess I was naive and just had no clue what kind of nonsense is actually on. I actually watched a show that was all about some girl trying to breast feed and she was having trouble so she had to call in a Lactation Consultant. Not only did I not know this job existed, but I had no clue that it was some super-hero like profession that got its own reality show. That people actually watch apparently. I don't know. That kind of skeeved me out. I don't think it would work on Prime Time. I know we have Super-Nanny, but I just can't see Super-Lactation Consultant. It was really dramatic too. Super-Lactation Consultant was all like "LATCH ON!!! We have to get her to LATCH ON!!" as if the future of the world hung in the balance because the baby wasn't getting enough colostrum, which is a word I don't ever want to type ever again.

After Super-Lactation Consultant I watched a show about some women having babies in a bathtub which freaked me out to the point that I think I may never have children. You should have heard them screaming and they were all buck naked on television with rooms full of people looking at them naked and screaming and feeding them ice chips. One of the women had a gigantic tattoo on her stomach and the pregnancy had distorted it. I think that may have been the souce of some of my nightmarish hallucinations.

I couldn't take anymore gestation and lactation so I had to turn off the TLC and switch to HGTV and watch people fix up ugly houses. I find these shows very relaxing, but boring. Now I'm watching America's Funniest Home Videos from around 1989 and laughing at people with mullets falling dramatically.

There's an interesting commercial on for a medication that treats Restless Leg Syndrome, which I understand to be some condition where your leg has sensations in it that make you want to go out and kill people. Someone described it to me as your leg feeling very itchy and twitchy to the point where you need to shake it around all the time and this prevents you from sleeping. I can see where that could be annoying, so they have a pill for it that they're advertising all over TV now. I've seen the commercial 99 times at least this afternoon. Now what gets me are the side effects - compulsive gambling and uncontrollable sexual urges. I picture the following scenario:

Woman: Honey, how's that restless leg syndrome that was keeping you awake at night?

Man: Wow, this new pill is amazing! My leg doesn't itch or twitch at all anymore! It's like a miracle! Of course I've lost our house in a card game and gambled away our children's college fund at the Indian Casino and we'll probably be living in the car for a while, but wow, my leg is totally healed. Also, I fucked sixteen hookers, the next door neighbor, my best friend's grandmother and two of your girlfriends. But yeah, that Restless Leg is GONE!

I think I'd rather have an itchy twitchy leg.

But again, thanks for your well wishes. I am on the road to recovery. My immune system is taking a slow boat back from Tahiti, but it IS on its way home. Oh and I forgot to tell you, and this has nothing to do with anything except lots of cough syrup and steroids, but yesterday I saw a double rainbow and it was really pretty and I just wanted to share. Because I am on drugs.

17 comments:

Milesly Rose said...

I heart doctors.

And while I am not nearly as sick as you (thank god), I do have this rather persistent cough with yucky mucus flying out of my lungs every twenty minutes or so. Also a UTI.

And above and beyond all that, I am in GERMANY right now with no health insurance (so no doctors), and nobody in this country seems to believe in straight-up cranberry juice. I had to go to eight different stores today just to find Cranberry-Nektar which is loaded with sugar and only 30% juice. Fortunately after drinking 3 litres of the stuff, I appear to be cured.

On the plus side, I have learned that if there is no cranberry juice to be had, grape juice taken in double the dosage will at least stave it off until you can find some c.j. and would concievably cure the UTI, even if it did take a little longer.

whoops. I rambled. I'm sorry!

JDogg said...

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

IV's are great when you are dehydrated. You probably had a "niacin flush" when you had the 'pink' stuff pushed in the IV. It's a normal reaction when you get something put in quickly. It's a niacin flush because it is the way that you react when you get niacin (Vitamin B) injected quickly.

teebopop said...

Finally, you're getting better!

Sometimes you just have to heave your sick body on a doctor's table and let him do what he needs to do ... even if it means walking around in a Purple Haze.

Get well soon!

Alessandra said...

Hey, good to know you´re better. Bet you´ll be 100% in no time. :-)

And let me add, you´re still funny while on cough syrup.

kerry said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. Hopefully you'll be completely better in no time! :) **hugs**

TK said...

Yeah, if you were dehydrated you would feel pretty awful when it's on top of being sick, and a saline drip would make you feel a lot better in as little as 15 minutes.

I was really sick from anestheisa after knee surgery, and couldn't drink enough fluids to flush the residue meds out, so was groggy, nauseous, and could not sleep. I felt like I'd stopped breathing as soon as I went out, and pop awake like I was drowning! So I went to emercency and got the surliest, nastiest dr. I've ever met, and he asked what meds I was taking, and when I said just one for an anxiety disorder once a day, he would NOT consider doing anything to help me but offer me a pill of my own meds. I said I could have done that at home! I wasn't anxious at all, (but boy was I getting pissed), I was reacting to the anesthesia (which I have never done well with). He basically refused to treat me, I said man, I just can't get any fluids in, had to beg him for an IV bag of fluid, and when half of it was in I felt so much better, and by the time it was all in I was fine. The nurse that did the needle was just as nasty, taking her cue from the assholian dr I suppose, and was none to gentle putting in the needle. But I got out of there, went home, and slept fine.
So good for you going to the hospital, glad you got decent drs, and home your immune system arrives soonest!
And thanks for the link the other day, that was very kind! :)

PS: I shared your blog with a few others going through similar crap, I think it boosted their own immune systems, because it made them laugh! Thanks! You have some new fans now.

david said...

>>>>he found a teeny tiny zebra fighting with a teeny tiny giraffe, so he picked up the teeny tiny zebra and took it home and let it graze on the vines on his chest.

Decidedly odd dream - Was your subconscious maybe trying to tell you not to miss a waxing appointment? Not that you have your chest waxed....I suppose if the vines had been growing out of his head it would have meant a haircut.


btw - I've been stuck inside for a while and I've discovered that daytime Comedy Central is usually amusing - well, more amusing than childbirth and defective lactation anyway.

best wishes on your continued recovery. I miss you when your not posting.

Anonymous said...

I love those RLS commercials, the first time I heard that about the gambling and sex, I thought I misunderstood so now anytime it's on I tell people to be quiet so they can hear it too! I want to try that medication just to see what happens!

Nanci said...

I am so glad to hear that you are getting better. I have been sick for the past 6-7 weeks. I have been having severe bacterial eye infections. I had to resort to a shot in the ass as well and let me tell you! That was the most horrible thing ever. It was even worse than having a needle stuck into my eye. I must tell you that the shot in the ass made my buttcheek sore for no lie, literally 3 1/2 weeks. The doctor just laughed and said since I have no meat on my bones that it would. He couldn't have been more correct. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that, but seems that all should be back to normal quite soon. I have finally gotten better myself and now have a date tonight with my crush! You know who it is!!! I'm very excited! Well, get well soon and rest up. You're immune system will love you for it.

A Margarita said...

Lol, I'm glad you feel better. I <3 strong drugs that make you better. Your immune system should hop on a speedboat. Or better yet, a cigarette boat!

JoeInVegas said...

They must put that ALS stuff in the tourists drinking water out here. Hmm, that's an idea, instead of 'what happens in Vegas stays in' our chamber might have a new ad campaign about 'it's not your fault, it's in the water'.
But yes, doctors are good sometimes.
Right now I'm thinking of a job change, Super-Lactation Consultant sounds interesting but I'm leaning towards becoming a painter. Or doctor, if he gets to shoot up cute butts. But then I'd have to deal with sick people.

Reb said...

Hope you feel all better soon, glad you went to the Dr. I never get hallucinations from medication - I live such a boring life!

Lana Wood said...

Hello Stoner!

That Vosages chocolate is some good stuff!

The doctor probably gave you pink antibiotics in your IV, push, means lots all at once, the shot in your ass was probable cortisone, or another steroid to help you breathe. Those suckers do hurt!

Too funny, when I get the really good drugs, I dream about the little teeny tiny elephant like in the "jungle" theme for the windows scheme screensaver. All I ever want is a teeny tiny little elephant. I would buy it clothes, and take it shopping with me, and have a little bed for it under my desk at work.

If you really wanna hate television, try watching any of the reality shows on VH1. That uncontrollable sexual urges thing cracks me up.

I bet your Mom and Dad would excuse you while you kiss the sky.

Take care of yourself, and get better quick.

Tere said...

My sister's a lactation consulatant. I can have her fill you in on all the fascinating details over Noche Buena dinner!

emf said...

My friend swears by IV drips for hangovers.
Get well soon!

Lori said...

I'm normally the type of person that puts off going to the doctor knowing it'll work itself out. Though, in December I was sick and had a fever (which I hadn't had since elementary school). When the fever reached 103 I finally thought "hm, maybe it's time to see a doctor". They gave me some pills and cough syrup and told me I couldn't go back to work for a week.

In general, I HATE cough syrup. No matter how much water I drink afterwards I still taste the nastiness but this syrup was awesome. Did anyone, when they were little, get that pink syrup that tasted like bubblegum? It was better than that, it was like sugar and lemons. I will admit.. I licked the spoon. But the best part was as I drifted back to sleep I would have these trippy dreams, the most common being these out of body experiences. I would see myself sitting at my desk, looking up stuff on the internet, actually reading pages. Then maybe the dog would move and it would wake me up and be laying in bed.

I don't know, with it written down it doesn't seem that amazing but it was just like I REALLY was doing those things and it freaked me out everytime I woke up in bed. Like maybe my whole life so far is just the real me having a trippy dream from some cough syrup.

Basement Kitty said...

You know what else works for restless leg? Heroin. Seriously. That or methadone... Er.. Not that I know from experience...

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