Thursday, February 21, 2008

Pork Butt

I get Bomboclaat finally. I understand this dog. He hates everyone as much as I do. Last night he practically begged me to take him away from the madness that ensues in his house when my parents are home. I almost snuck him into my car and took off North of 95 to who knows where - just me and the deaf dog on a long, empty highway beneath the lunar eclipse. God, it would have been wonderful, except for the smell. That dog fucking stinks.

Last night I actually acted a lot like Bomboclaat, growling, snarling, sniping and overeating (my appetite returned). The catalyst for my acting like a Mini-Pin was a big pork butt, but let me rewind a little and fill you in on the goings on at Casa DS since the BBQ, because that's the only context in which my wanting to commit mass murder over a pork butt will make any sense.

Because I have a life and a job and school, and well, also because I discovered that I can get ALL of the "Lost" episodes (ALL OF THEM) for free on the ABC website, I hooked the computer up to the TV (well I personally didn't do it, Husband did it) and I have been completely engrossed in this stupid show. Disc 3? Who cares. It's all instant gratification online. Wow. I'm about halfway through Season 1 - oh, well anyway, so I haven't been back to my parents' house.

I found myself really wanting to watch American Idol last night and since I STILL don't have TV at my apartment, I called my Dad and got an earful. He is not ok with his guests anymore. He feels abused and that is a direct quote. This is a good thing because it means that there is hope and that my parents might actually have some normalness in them afterall. I thought they actually enjoyed a house of pirates. Apparently they are coming to their senses and realizing this is not ok.

It turns out that Sam Antonio the alleged billionaire, Arena LaCrosse enthusiast, isn't actually a billionaire anymore. He's more like a hundredaire, which makes me way richer than he is because I am proud to tell you all that I am a very definite thousandaire. Sam Antonio is broke, drunk and homeless and actually thought that he and Martine and his son Hartley, as well as their dogs Chanel and Peanut, could move in to my parents' house for as long as they wanted.

"I'm throwing their asses out on Friday," my dad said, "But your mother figures they'll leave by tomorrow because she made a new rule that there's no drinking in the daytime during the week."

Yesterday my parents had a lot of work to do so they called the similarly drunk massage girl Star, of shower head masturbation fame from Thanksgiving, and made her come pick them up and sit with them in a beachfront dive bar all day since it might literally kill them to not drink on a weekday during the day.

If they don't leave the plan is to call my big, Black brother Mini-T who drives a truck. Mini-T will evict them from Casa DS and drive them somewhere and drop them all off. He promises to take a curvy, convoluted path so that they'll get very lost if they try to make their way back.

Sam Antonio and Martine and Hartley, as well as their dogs, are the worst houseguests I have ever seen, and let me tell you, I've seen some bad houseguests ok? I know what I'm talking about. They're filthy, mooching, classless alcoholics with no manners and they get drunk and fight with one another. Even the dogs fight. I'm not kidding.

Somehow my dad convinced me that they'd be at the bar until it closed so that it would be totally safe to come over and watch American Idol.

"Your mother roasted a pork butt!" he said.

How could I resist a pork butt?

I was so excited. The pork butt had gravy and there was rice, peas and cole slaw with apples in it! Apples in the cole slaw!! Do you know how good that is? It was wonderful and there was just enough for four people, except that Uncle Ben-Yusef is now here too so we had to eat less and share the sides with him because he is old and Jewish and won't eat the pork. We made him a Hebrew National hot dog. Old Jewish men love those.

You know what happened. The second the food was ready and we sat down, the whole lot of pirate drunks came home exclaiming how hungry they were and how good the food looked. Then Martine started feeding pork butt to the dogs!!!! Also, can I just say that for someone who wants to lose 20 pounds, she wasn't making much of an effort because that bitch piled her plate.

I panicked. These uninvited assholes were going to eat my pork butt and my cole slaw with apples in it. Something had to be done. They had to be stopped. The only way I could stop them was by eating all the food myself so they couldn't get to it. I have seen Bomboclaat successfully employ this tactic many times. He will inhale all of the dog food so that the other dog can't even get a nibble in. Then he usually throws it up and then the poor other dog will try come and eat it, causing Bomboclaat to stand over a pile of throw up, which just looks like food since he doesn't chew, and growl like a maniac.

I didn't quite go that far but I experienced a rage and possessiveness that I have never known. How dare these people impose? How dare these drunkards think they can eat my pork butt?

So I just ended up eating way too much, getting aggravated, not being able to watch American Idol in any peace whatsoever and then I got awful heartburn and felt bloated all night. The moral of the story is to just let them eat the damned food I guess. I haven't checked in today, but if they don't leave then I'm going with Mini-T tomorrow and I'm going to personally evict them.

9 comments:

Nanci said...

First of all, I must say that the cold sore on Martine's lip is incredibly awesome! I'm so glad you were able to capture that. (Reminds me of the zebra pooing at Animal Kingdom.) I haven't been able to recall any Pirates that I know that have been a welcomed house guest. I hope that they leave soon and that everything gets back to the usual strange normalcy that seems to linger at home. I am so thankful you can keep me sane at my job of government politics. And, the lizard is kinda cute....I'm not a huge fan of them either because tell me how my Mom, when I was little, would catch 2 of them and put them on her ears and dangle them like live earrings! It would freak me out so bad; and I got attacked by a friends iguana once so I don't think that helps much either. Ewwww..... Thank you again for all of my laughs throughout the day!

MP said...

ooo I can't wait for the eviction story!!
AI was good last night too!

Maven of Marketing said...

Thank you for having a stranger life than I do. I never would have thought it was possible. I'm also looking forward to the eviction story.

the Bag Lady said...

The Bag Lady doesn't blame you one bit - some things are simply not meant to be shared, and pork butt is among them! Right up there with chocolate and bacon.
And coleslaw with apples?! Bag Lady's mom used to make that...thanks for the memories!!

My Kids Mom said...

Sorry the pirates and their wenches are causing such stress. None of the pirates I know have any manners either. I love the lizard he is so cute, and he looks friendly. Good luck with the eviction!

JDogg said...

Good BBQ is worth fighting for!

Anonymous said...

Are your parents familiar with the terms "grifters". These strangers are scary. They're penniless drunks who could easily become squatters of sort. They should think twice about bringing anyone into their home. And, they have no sense of pride, which is always scary. I don't mean to be alarmistic, but go to CNN's crime stories and ready about these types.

UmmFarouq said...

Although you'd have to make me a Hebrew National hot dog, too, since I don't eat pork, I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that house. Good grief your stories make me laugh.

Mel said...

Hello, I'm a lurker that's been visiting for a month or two now... I'm finally going to comment!!! Your blogs of late have reminded me of one of my theories on people. I believe there are two kinds of people... Pirates & Ninjas. The pirates are the ones that don't take anything seriously, and are generally the more fun, but seriously annoying group. The Ninjas are the serious ones and will get right down to business. Now, I know there are people that are Ninjas in Pirate disguise, and vice versa, but this could be a good theory for judging people... Sounds kind of screwed up, I know... hahaha... I love reading your blog!!!

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