Thursday, February 14, 2008

Do Not Get Your Sweetheart This for Valentines Day

I am pleased to report that I feel almost better. Maybe it's the fact that I live in a world where bacon in chocolate exists. Maybe it's the perfect weather we're having today, or maybe it's that all that medication that made me dream of miniature safari animals has actually worked. I'm kind of feeling in the Valentine's spirit I have to say. I'm feeling the love (or the cough medicine).

I haven't always felt the love. I used to hate Valentines Day. From messing around the Internet today, I see that I was in good company. Plenty of people are writing and sniping about how they hate Valentines Day. Believe me, I totally understand. It's a crappy holiday if you don't have someone or if you do have someone and that someone is an utter jackass. I've been in both of those places aplenty. I happen to have gotten lucky with my dear husband and he makes me want to express my love for him all the time. I'm not that into needing a holiday to do that and I'm definitely not one of those girls who has to have a big fuss made just because it's February 14th. I find that the more secure as person is in his or her relationship, the less presents and nonsense on specific dates even matters.

Tonight, I refuse to go out and fight crowds and spend too much money just because it's a day when you're supposed to do that. I'm going to make my husband his favorite dinner, which is a homemade french bread pizza. Then we'll make some cookies, light some candles and watch a movie. This makes me impossibly happy.

I've not always been so easy-going. Back when I was with Evil Ex I dreaded Valentines Day. I dreaded every holiday. I was so insecure that I looked to special occasions to see if he would give me some validation. If he didn't do anything for Valentines Day it confirmed that he really didn't love me. If he did something, anything, then it might mean that he loved me a little bit and there was some hope. On every V-day, birthday, anniversary or whatever I always hoped he would do something incredible and would surprise me. I knew lots of girls whose boyfriends did amazingly romantic and over the top things for them and I always hoped Evil Ex would one day realize that he was a jerk and would miraculously change and become one of those guys who flies his girlfriend to Paris and proposes on the banks of the Seine. This never happened. The funny thing is that now that I have a healthy and normal relationship I think all the over the top shows of romance are tacky and silly. I just want some cookies and a DVD and I'm thrilled.

The last year that Evil Ex and I were together I finally started to get some sense in my head and I knew it was definitely not going to work based on his Valentines Day "gift." This is easily the worst gift I have ever received from a man and I would like to share this with all of you who may be reading who are sad and single or lonely today. I hate that this holiday does that to people. Holidays should be fun for everyone, not just the people in happy relationships. If you are feeling sorry for yourself today then read this and say "at least I didn't get that!" Then go get some bacon chocolate for yourself.

My last Valentines Day with Evil Ex I was sitting at home being pitiful. I wished he would bring me roses. I wanted candles lit, champagne, lobsters, Paris and well, I wanted a different fiance. I wanted one who at least came home once in a while. At the time I didn't know he was off getting ready to get someone else pregnant. I was an idiot. I thought he worked a lot and played 20 hour games of golf on the weekends.

It got pretty late and I had somehow convinced myself that he was late because he was working on some fantastic surprise for me. This was going to be the best V-day ever. He was going to outdo himself. Not that that would have been very hard. It's pretty easy to outdo nothing. I mean he could have taken me to Chick-Fil-A and let me get a chicken strip combo and if he let me get a lemonade with it I would thought that was him outdoing himself.

Evil Ex got home at around 9 pm. He was totally empty handed. I thought he was teasing me, you know, pretending that he forgot or that he didn't get me something because he was about to surprise me with something extra-incredible. I gave him his card and gifts and he looked genuinely surprised. I decided to play along. Nothing happened. A little while later I couldn't take it.

"Come on," I said, "Don't torture me. What'd you get me? You got me something right?"

"Uhh yeah. Of course. Yeah. It's out in the car," he replied.

Evil Ex went out in the car. Oh this was it, I thought. I was about to get a wonderful romantic surprise!!! I watched out the window as he messed with something in the trunk. It was big! I was getting a BIG VALENTINE!!

Evil Ex came into the house with a bundle of something wrapped in a blanket that he always kept in the trunk.

"Well I didn't do a good job wrapping it," he said, handing it to me.

I was so excited I couldn't hardly stand it. I unwrapped the blanket and found....

A heating pad. I found a heating pad, not even in a box, which had been wrapped in a a sandy trunk blanket and had a long tangled cord hanging from it.

Obviously this was a joke. Right? Ha. It was a joke. Ha?? Funny?

I turned the heating pad over. Maybe it had a surprise hidden in it and this was all part of the game. I had heard lots of stories about guys surprising their girlfriends by making it seem like they hadn't gotten them anything or that they hadn't gotten them something good, but then it turns out it was just a joke and there would be a diamond ring or something hidden inside. Nothing was inside the heating pad. Except the potential for, well, heat.

"Don't you love it?" Evil Ex asked.

"Is this really a heating pad?" I asked.

"Yeah! You love heating pads!"

"I do?"

"Yes, for cramps," said Evil Ex.

"I have never had a cramp in my life."

"Well you can use it for headaches."

"You want me to put a heating pad on my head for Valentines Day?"


"A heating pad???? For Valentines Day???"

We proceeded to get into an argument in which I put two and two together and realized that the heating pad was his grandmothers because he had been driving her around the week before because she had strained her leg. She had left her heating pad in his car. Evil Ex, realizing that he was about to be in big trouble because he had forgotten or neglected to do anything for me went to the car and wrapped up the first thing he saw and tried to pass it off as a Valentine's gift for me. He had given me his grandmother's used heating pad. It wasn't even like he gave me a new heating pad! Not that that would have been much better, because in times of romance one should really not bestow one's lover with a gift that reminds one of pain and sickness. Just a word of advice in case you wanted to give your girlfriend say some Breathe Right Strips or a humidifier you just got for cheap on Ebay. You may also want to rethink that surgical tape idea as well.

Nana's used heating pad was the beginning of the end, for obvious reasons. It remains to this day in the absolute worst gift I have ever received hall of fame. Nothing has ever topped it and I hope nothing ever will. I would definitely rather have had the Chick-Fil-A, without the lemonade.

Use my comments section to commiserate. What are your worst Valentines Day gifts or stories? Please share. If I get some really good ones we can make a whole post out of them and laugh together at them because that always makes it a lot better. I like to find the humor in dreadful days and situations, as you all know.


Anonymous said...

I'd be careful if I were you...what if the "push" was the medicine for Restless Leg Syndrome! Better tell husband to keep an eye on you while you are hallucinating!

Worse V-day present ever? A note on binder paper from my ex telling me that he was no longer celebrating V day as it was a "Hallmark Holiday". He informed me that he would now celebrat Groundhog's day. To which, of course, he forgot to celebrate year after year.

Glad you are coming back from deaths door.

Happy V-day!

A Margarita said...

Glad u feel better!

I've never had a horrific Valentine's Day. I was dumped on the 15th of February one year, but since he knew he was going to dump me, he made it a great V-Day. I don't know if that makes him a good or bad person, but in retrospect, I appreciate that he didn't ruin my V-Day. I was heartbroken for about a month, but I got over it. We're still friends.

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness, you had me laughing loudly, almost guffawing. Hilarious.His Grandmother's *heating pad*! Wrapped in a blanket! What a douche! You are so lucky you didn't marry that guy.

range said...

I used to think that Valentines day was invented by Hallmark.

That was back when I was single. I usually go out with my wife for a romantic dinner.

Since I'm in Canada for the next few months and she's in Taiwan, it will be just like any other day for me tonight.

Anonymous said...

My step-father once got my Mom a fire extinguisher and a fancy flashlight.
They aren't married any more.

SunSpotBaby said...

What a weasil. You are SO lucky to be rid of him, even if it was the most horrible break-up in the history of break-ups.

My ex gave me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers in a gorgeous vase - the one and only time I got something other than a cheap card - one month before he left me for his maggity whore. I asked him why he got me such a beautiful bouquet of flowers if he was planning this all along, and he said it was just some flowers someone left on the counter at the airport where he worked and decided it would do for my Valentine's Day gift. That stabbed me in the heart - more than his leaving me since he did me a favor by saving me the trouble of breaking the news that the marriage was over.

Gina said...

My very first Valentine's Day gift from a boy was a stuffed animal. A ratty, used stuffed animal that he stole from his sister. That she wanted back.

Unknown said...

I don't think what happened today to me was really "awful" but it is certainly annoying. Today I received a text message from my exboyfriend saying "Happy Valentine's Day!!! :-) xoxoxo". Why? Why do this to me?

Anonymous said...

I was dating a guy about 12 or 13 years ago and made him a special Valentine's Day dinner. I went to a lot of trouble to make it really, really nice. He arrived at the door with a wilted potted plant with little dying red flowers. It was obviously from a supermarket (I saw the tag) and was obviously half price (the tag had a red slash through it). I smiled and thanked him like it was a dozen fresh roses, but it was the worst Valentine's Day gift I had ever received.

Unknown said...

My boyfriend showed up on Valentine's Day, nine hours after he was supposed to meet me, with a bottle of massage oil and a book of coupons for sexual favors. Coupons which I never redeemed, because by that point I was in no mood.

Anonymous said...

Gina, we must have dated the same guy!!!

Bri said...

On the last Valentine's Day that my ex and I spent together, he came home from his job at a hotel with a bouquet of red roses and a red heart balloon. I hate red roses and he knew this, but I was ready to give him credit for buying me anything after being together so long. That is, until I found out that the roses and balloon were left over from a banquet at the hotel. At least he didn't try too hard to convince me that he had bought them himself. It was so fucking lame, just like our relatiionship, which is why he is my ex and not current boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

thank god till date i haven't received anything so disgusting till date but ya dis year i didn't receive any gift...:)

Anonymous said...

I've never actually received a Valentine's Day present. Oh well, doesn't seem that important.

Anonymous said...

The worst present I ever received was a leaf blower. From my husband.

It wouldn't have been quite so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I DON'T DO YARDWORK. I've never mowed a single lawn in my life. So, basically, he bought the leaf blower for himself, because I never used it.

6th Floor blog said...

Glad you're feeling better.

The bacon in chocolate isn't that bad. I don't care for it myself, but it's really just a smoky/salty taste. Definitely wasn't disgusting.

Corianne said...

Wow. A heating pad is so romantic.

Like you, my fiancee and I don't really make a big deal about V day. In fact, this year we decided to even forego our years long standard of having dinner at the same Indian restaurant. Instead, we drove to the Asian grocery nearby, picked out a crab, and called it dinner. With a movie.

And you know what? We had a great night. :)

Upside Down said...

He was such a jerk. Why would anyone ever think it was okay to give someone that? You are so lucky you found someone sooo much better than him.

My worst present was not really ever a present. My ex would all the time give me a dozen or half dozen, I can't remember, red roses every year. But the red roses you can buy for like $5 from the men selling them off the exit on the turnpike in South Florida. I do not like roses anyway but at the time I was dumb and convinced myself he did not have time and he loved me but was just not that into the holiday. However, our last year together, I got $5 flowers and he sent some girl he was apparently seeing in another state, $200 roses (I had access to his email account). Needless to say that was the end of our relationship. Nice one though, live in girlfriend of six years $5 flowers, slut he met on a trip, $200 flowers. Don't even get me started on my 30th birthday present....

Whiskeymarie said...

I can't say I've ever gotten a horrific v-day gift. Well, unless you count big, fat, NOTHING as a gift.
I got that plenty of years from loser boyfriends.

RP said...

My last Valentine's Day with my ex was the beginning of the end. He was bugging me all month for ideas for good Valentine's presents for a woman he had a crush on (long story). I thought he might get me something too, since we had been living together for two years. Nope! She got the gift I suggested to him (fancy chocolates, I think), I got bupkis.

When we started going through the prolonged breakup process a few months later, he was struck by remorse and got me a belated Valentine's present (which would have been the first one he ever got me): a couple of Penthouse magazines. Oh. Boy.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, never a bad gift, times nothing but at least nothing bad. A heating pad, huh. (sorry, can't think of anything exciting to reply)

Robin Noelle said...

Actually, yes, this post and the comments did make me feel a lot better. Thanks for the laughs and happy single's awareness day!

Anonymous said...

I got a toothpick holder that said Hoover Dam on it. He had gone to Vegas on business and for some reason thought I would like that tacky thing. Obviously we are divorced now.

Anonymous said...

Toothbrush heads for an electronic toothbrush. TOOTHBRUSH HEADS.


Anonymous said...

You win again. The toothpick story is a good runner up. I received flowers picked from the potted plants on our porch one year. Awkward, and my family kept snickering which made it hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Valentine's Day isn't one of the Hallmark Moments about which I can muster an opinion, and presents are, well, presents. Whatever.

But I do wonder whether you know by now that Ernest Hemingway never wrote or (at least publicly) said anything about "wide lawns," much less "wide lawns and narrow minds," and that when he tossed off his famous "broad lawns and narrow minds" snark, it was about Oak Park, IL (his home village), not about any place in Florida. You know, "broad lawns" instead of "broad minds"? (Do we even use the phrase "wide minds" in English?)

OK, thanks for tolerating this momentary lapse in good manners. Be well!

neongolden said...

One year my ex brought me half-burned tapered candles he had stolen from his grandmother. Then, for my birthday, which is less than a month later he got me a dirty pill box with loose glass beads in it.

But the heating pad....that's pretty damn horrible.

Crabby McSlacker said...

Oh, wow, some of these are so funny and sad.

It's funny that I dislike the idea of Valentines Day so much when I've always actually had really nice personal experiences with it. I think it's like Christmas in that the ads are so obnoxious and relentless and I know so many people who end up miserable that I feel VD trauma by proxy or something.

I gotta say, gals, the best solution to crappy Valentine's Days--switch teams and become a lesbian. Not always practical, but it sure worked for me.

Anonymous said...

My birthday is Valentine's day, which really sucks... but this year it was even worse than every year before. I got a stuffed bear, which I had picked out when we went to the store two or three days earlier... I liked the present, but gifts don't mean much to me. After school, I didn't get to spend any time with my significant other. Not only that, but the day after, I was informed that she would be spending Sunday night with her friend, and that I'd have to wait until next week to spend any time with her. I got upset, and she got mad because of it. God forbid I want to spend some time with someone I love the weekend of my birthday.

The Merry said...

Geez, if you collected all these into a book it would probably be a best seller.

The story about the heating pad was horrible, but the series of awful stories one after another... it's so bad that in an inverted way it exerts a fascination all its own.

I did have an ex who did some awful things, but never on Valentine's day. (I have to give him some credit.)

Anonymous said...

i have all of you beat. for my 22nd birthday, my (now) ex-husband took a box of cake mix, stuck a poke-ended plastic candleholder in the bottom seam of the box, then a thin little birthday candle in that. he then lit the birthday candle and handed the whole assemblage to me. NO card. i could have killed him. he thought it was hilarious. i wish i'd divorced him sooner. he was a 24 karat a**hole. big virtual hugs to you SW from sunny... and a lifetime of happy valentines to you *every* day!

jennifer said...

Rachel wins...
Ashi is a spammer.
Wow. A toothpick. But then if it was silver or purple glitter then it would be great for me. I love a good cheese factor.

I hate V-day but the only one that stands out was when someone ran a light and hit me (in my car) when I was coming home after buying new champagne glasses. My boyfriend was mad b/c he didnt have a jacket and waiting for police took forever. I think he said I called him too soon or something but this was the days before cell phones so I was lucky at a friend lived nearby. But your story really wins.
My nutty crazy mean ex husband planned the most romantic valentines days and gifts but would get mad at me b/c my gift wasnt so great...

Victoria said...

Wow, evil ex sounds like a class act. Most of my yucky Valentine's have just been lonely ones. No bad gifts, usually no gifts at all. Now I am happily married. My husband did the dishes for me on Valentine's Day, made dinner, helped me with the laundry and watched a movie with me. Oh and he bought me a card. It was great.

Anonymous said...

I know this is a couple days late, but I just got to read your horrible gift post.....

The worst Val. Day gift I ever got was when I was in high school. The boy I was dating at the time had longer hair in an early-90s "skater" style. I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks (we lived in different, but nearby, towns). He shows up and hands me this box wrapped in the comics from the paper. I open it, and all this hair falls out.

Turns out, he shaved his head (I didn't notice right away b/c he was wearing a hat) and thought I would want his cut hair! It was kinda creepy.

Geek In Disguise said...

Last year, my friend got this gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a super beautiful necklace... This year, her husband told her he's been cheating on her for 10 years... I'm guessing he was feeling guilty... Makes me glad that I don't get anything.

Anonymous said...

This year I received an apple....Yep, an apple. From the mall though, so it totally makes a difference right?! I think not! I wasn't even sure what to say. Plus there was no card or anything. I must say that it was better than last year when I got a pair of Tinkerbell earrings (still have never worn them)...Quite bizarre because after 5 years of living together you would figure he would know a couple of things that I like. I'm now convinced that he doesn't have a clue! Anyway, I must say the best gift ever would be my birthday 2 years ago (month before V-Day). I got a day where my boyfriend left me at home all alone the whole day and instead went out and helped this slut he was seeing find an apartment and spent a lot of time there with her. Then, last year he said I was crazy because I wanted him to go out to breakfast with me and my family. It was scheduled for 8am on a Sunday morning. He didn't go. He said it was terrible that I would ask him to go some place with me let alone that early in the morning...especially on a weekend. He said he would rather sleep in. Needless to say, the process of breaking everything off has taken a lot longer than I had hoped. I could go on and on about all the horrible gifts, or lack thereof. Makes me realize that he doesn't care. All I asked for was his time. Should I add that this Christmas that passed I got a $14.99 area rug from Ikea?...Sweet! I am not even close to being a materialistic person. I just thought for once I might get something romantic. I guess thats what happens when a person who wants nothing more than material possesions and the latest gadget and a person who just wants time and unconditional love date...hahaha

Anonymous said...

This V-Day my wonderful husband got me a great gift. Since my job meant that i would be leaving VERY early the Monday morning before V-Day, he left my gift for me to find when I woke up. He got me a single rose. And two little mint choclates. (Which I love choclate, but am currently losing weight, so that was just perfect!)
My worse gift....from my ex-husband when I got this same job. On the way home from confirming that i had the job he pulled over into a truck stop. He pulled under street light, started making out with me. (Which I thought was very distasteful in public.) The jerk, who never held a job himself, told me that as a gift for getting my dream job, that we could have threesome.
I told him No Way!! Sadly, it took my 6 more months before I divorced the jerk.

Unknown said...

OMG, your kidding..a heating pad, thats rotten. This Valentine's Day, I got: a box of chocolates (crappy ones) with Larry The Cable Guy on it, dressed as Cupid, two cactus plants, a white teddy bear with the price tags on it from WalMart that read Hugs and Kisses in Spanish (I don't even speak Spanish), and the best of all, my Valentine's Day card, was simply a used paperplate, with my husband's hastily drawn sentiment, and a few arrows pointing at the items he had purchased for me, as they were arranged around the card on the counter. I could only laugh. I laughed so hard. I am still laughing. One has to have humor, when you get crap like that on Valentine's Day. He says it's the thought that counts, I say if that's what you bought for me, I don't want to know what you were thinking about when you did it.

Anonymous said...

I used to live with a married couple who were trying to save money. I tried to explain to the husband that 'not getting each other gifts' didn't mean he got to ignore the holiday. You get a card and/or a token gift.

The worst was after a non-acknowledged birthday(nov) and christmas, Vday came around.

He works at a school, she subbed there, and students are curious. So they asked him what he'd gotten. Nothing of course. So, that day, he'd gotten a stick of un-used memory from a student who's mom had some she didn't need. So, he sheepishly stuck the box of memory, that said his name on it. Mr. X.

She had another job and got home later than he did. He'd made her dinner, and put it in the fridge. As he usually did, because he wanted to eat at 5pm and not wait for her. The dinner was something he KNEW she didn't like.

She asked him if he wanted to watch a movie or something. Hoping to at least get some cuddles and he gave her a very distracted "Maybe." He was fiddling with something on his mac and hadn't given her much of a greeting, other than a mumbled hi.

She reheated her dinner and sat down to eat it, as he shuffled past her and said, 'Hey, I'm tired honey. I'm going to bed.' Where he proceeded to fall fast asleep.

No card. No gift. No hello hug. No cozy evening movie. No Vday sex. He failed.

Anonymous said...

I am not getting anything. We live in a different country. He asked me for my address last week telling me that he's sending me a card and that I should send him one. He told me today that he hasn't even bought a card and flowers are too expensive and he's only giving me a present when I come to visit in a few months time. I sent a card. I didn't expect to get anything but once ur told that ur getting something but then told ur not cos the other party doesn't have time to buy for one, although he browsed for some already, I guess it was sort of like putting ur hopes up and down. What's annoying is that i didn't put any hope up but then he told me he'll send something and then told me he's not going to. So I am a little disappointed. I told him I'm not and joke about it to him 'cos if im getting something I want it because he gives it to me wholeheartedly and willingly not because i ask for it, I guess. So that's my worst one. Hang on, it's not even a gift, it's a card

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