Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Revenge of Wide Lawns

Once upon a time I had a job where I worked for very nice people and part of working for the very nice people was that occasionally I had to take crap from a tremendous amount of bitching, degrading and all around annoying, whining and socially unacceptable people. Back then, I had to smile and be polite because this was my job and this is what I chose for myself. Because I chose that position I had to accept it gracefully, although I did complain most passive-aggressively nearly every day. Finally, I had enough sense to realize that the fact that I complained about this job every day was making me a pathetic loser and that I was not in prison and could just go get a new job, which is exactly what I did. Now, I have the best job ever.

Some things have not changed. I still live in South Florida. While I no longer, thank the Lord, work for badly behaved people with heaps of money, now that my parents have moved away and left me with an extravagant home, I live amongst them. This means that I am still subjected to insane, vile, decadent and/ or miserable behavior on an almost daily basis. The one difference is that I no longer have to take their shit. It's like Wide Lawns - The Revenge.

Yesterday was a prime example of me not having to take shit and I'd like to share with you what happened.

I've been posting less frequently this week because it's the first week of school and as a grad student who also teaches, this is a hectic week. I had to get my lessons planned and my class lists and gradebook all in order, find my new classrooms, get supplies and learn 44 new names and their accompanying nicknames, half of which I can't figure out how to pronounce or spell properly and it's really important to me to say my students' names correctly. Then, because no one has dropped classes yet, traffic is a nightmare and I spent 3 hours prior to each class trying to find a damned parking space, which is an entire post in and of itself.

After I get through all of that, I have my own classes to attend, which means standing in a line worse than the line for Pinks Hot Dogs back in LA, to buy books only to find that most of the books I need aren't in yet. My bill still manages to come to $506.78.

So in all this is a very chaotic week, especially for a scatterbrained person like me.

Now let's add to the mix that my biological father's wife finally died and now my long long half sister has gotten in touch with me after never having ever been in touch with me to explain to me that my biological father is even crazier, even more fucked in the head and even more of a manical, freak stereotype from a bad movie about evil southern preachers, than even I had imagined. And I have a big imagination people.

After that Bomboclaat, the dog that smells like hot garbage that I inherited from my parents, decides to go into respiratory arrest, meaning that he stopped breathing. I've been running back and forth to the vet and feel like a canine Florence Nightingale over here. I am now an expert on giving dogs pills. If you're worried, he's going to be ok. He has severe emotional problems and is getting Dog Prozac.

All of this made me desperately crave lasagna last night. I really wanted cheese. Cheese makes me feel good. It nourishes my soul. It enhances my ass and expands my pants size. It causes me to cry tears of grease and dairy fat in salty joy and I love it. I could give up cake for the rest of my life but I could never do without brie, mozzarella, cheddar, manchego, parmesan and chevre. Cheese is even better in combination with starch and last night tomato sauce sounded like a good idea too, so on the way home from school, after a very long day, I went to the grocery store, except, I went to a different grocery store than usual.

Ordinarily I go to the Gay Man Publix because they play "It's Raining Men" and have the best meat. Last night I went to the Basura del Este Publix because it's the closest to my new neighborhood and has a beautiful produce selection. Mostly I just sucked it up and went because it's closer. I had been avoiding this Publix for some time because I loved Gay Man Publix in my old neighborhood so much more and because the Basura del Este Publix is where all the snotty, rude Nouveau Riche who moved down here from the Northeast, bulldozing their grandparents' beachfront bungalows and replacing them with monstrosities they call Mediterranean Villa Style Beachfront Estates, go to buy Splenda packets. Then they push their carts around and complain that there's no Starbucks on the Island and that you can't get help that speaks English down here and it's like a third world country. But they do have great produce.

On my way out it was dark, I was tired. I was thinking of all the strange things my long lost half sister told me. I was also thinking of my next lesson plan and how in a few weeks I am going to get to meet a really famous famous poet and how I had better really get ready to throw down some good poetry in the near future. The parking lot was dark and I didn't know where I was going. Some of the lanes in the parking lot went one way and some faced the other way. In my confusion and because the lot was practically empty, I committed the ultimate atrocity of going the wrong way.

I realized my mistake more than halfway towards the end and figured since no one was there I would drive the rest of the way and turn out onto the road towards home, but just as I get to the end and am about to turn onto the road to home, a woman in one of those new, supersized Lexuses (the kind that park themselves) decided that in all of the near empty parking lot, that she needed to turn into the lane that I had gone the wrong way out of. It was my mistake. She had the right of way. I backed up and made apologetic, thanking hand motions. She had plenty of room to get by, but this fucking bitch had to stop and roll down her window next to my car, refusing to move.

I tried to roll down my window and accidetally rolled down the back window instead. After more fumbling I rolled down my window.

"I am so sorry," I said, "I made a mistake. I've never been here before."

"You are a total fucking moron!" the woman yelled.

No she did not. No that bitch did not cuss at me after I apologized and took responsibility for my mistake that didn't even cause anyone any harm at all.

"What?" I said, "I just apologized to you!"

"You heard me you idiot, I said you're a total fucking moron!"

Then she squealed away and valet parked her car at the front anyway. Yes, we have valet at the grocery store here. Certain ones anyway.

I was shaking I was so mad. How can people continue to be mean to someone who's nice and apologizes? How can people get so angry over someone making an honest mistake, who admits to that mistake, especially when the mistake really had no consequences anyway. It wasn't like we got into an accident, in which case she should have been mad. Nothing happened at all. Nothing. She was never in any danger, she had plenty of room to drive her hulking Lexus around my little Saturn and I was really nice about it. Fuck her.

That woman made me feel exactly how I felt at every service job I've ever held in this town, which incidentally, was voted the worst place in the entire US to be in a service job and God, isn't that obvious? But then I realized I am not in a service job. This cunt and I were on equal ground now.

Mostly these people act this way because they can. Everywhere they go down here people lick their ass cracks purely because they have money that the service people want. If you work for tips or hope to get a handout or a valuable connection or a big Christmas bonus from these assholes you have to insert your tongue as far into their rectums as it will go and scour their colons. And you have to act like you enjoy doing it and you still maybe have a 20% chance of ever getting anything over your hourly pay. Surely the rich people must know that the only reason everyone is so nice to them is because they want the rich people to share some of their wealth with them, but I think their egos overtake any shard of remaining good sense and a lot of these fools think that people actually worship them because they are such amazing, awe inspiring human beings. I guess it's kinda like how the 65 year old men are convinced that 20 year olds are actually sexually attracted to them instead of their black cards.

I don't have to kiss anyone's ass ever again. I get paid by the government now bitches and I've developed enough bad attitude and disdain for my fellow human beings that I could probably, maybe even get a job at the DMV. Maybe. But as I was saying, these people act this way because they can. There are never any consequences. No one ever challenges them. No one tells them to shut the fuck up and be decent to others. No one ever tells them "No" and so they keep screaming, insulting, throwing tantrums in public places and wreaking havoc in restaurants and since nothing ever happens except that they get what they want, they keep doing it. It works for them.

I reparked the car and I went back into Publix and found the woman.

She looked a lot like Dr. Laura. You have seen this woman before most likely. Everyone has a friend who's mom looks like her. She's in her late 40s, early 50s. It's hard to tell with all the Botox and lifestyle lifts.

The woman was spray tanned and about 85 pounds. She had an unmoving helmet of hair in a round, dark blonde bob, strategically sprayed to cover the face lift scars behind her ears. She wore very short, white shorts with a green cable knit sweater, under which was a pink polo shirt, collar flipped a la the 1984 preppy handbook. Pearls and a Rolex and some additional David Yurman jewelry completed her look, along with gold, strappy stilettos. Yes, the woman wore shorts with a sweater and gold high heels. Each element of her outfit didn't go with every other element of the outfit making it obvious that this woman wasn't experienced. Her Long Island accent gave her away. She was your classic Jewish Lady trying to be a WASP. A real WASP would have worn pants and Chanel ballet flats this time of year.

"Excuse me," I said.

The woman glared at me.

"What you said to me was horrible. I was being polite. I made a mistake. A simple mistake because I was tired and confused and had never been here before. I acknowledged my wrongdoing and I'll take full responsibility, but how you treated me was disgusting. You were cruel to someone who was nice to you. You were mean to a total stranger who had never done a thing to you."

"Go cry to someone else lady. I don't care about you or your problems. Get away from me. You're a total fucking moron and you're getting off on harassing me!"

"You need to know that you can't treat people that way and the fact that you're still being nasty to me proves that you are an absolutely vile, miserable and horrible person."

Then she tried to run her cart into me.

"Fuck you!!" she yelled, "Get the fuck away from me! You're a total fucking moron!!!"

I left her to buy her sugar free protein bars or her Activia or whatever chemical compounds old anorexics survive on instead of eating and I felt somewhat vindicated, because maybe, though probably not, she will think twice about being mean to strangers. And if she doesn't, I hope that the next person she mouths off to in traffic is a large, 22 year old black girl with gang tattoos who drives a 1990 Cutlass, and I hope she stops traffic, pulls that bitch out of her Lexus and whoops her skinny, bony, ugly ass right there on the road.


A Margarita said...

Good job! Those heinous people make we want to do violent things to them and then bury the body.

Ahh, cheese. I could dedicate poetry to cheese. Multiple odes and sonnets to Manchego and Jarlsberg, and baby Swiss too.

Anonymous said...

Your mistake was to not call her a Fuc*ing C*nt right then in there in the parking lot and let her know who is boss.

Or better, yet, have gotten out of your car and gone off on her bony ass.

Oh, the easy insults after reading your description of her, that would have flowed NON STOP on my end.

Never miss an opportunity........

the Bag Lady said...

The Bag Lady thinks you showed marvelous restraint, good manners and maturity!
The Bag Lady probably would have decked the bitch, or, at the very least, pushed back on her cart until it ran over one of her stupidly clad feet, or knocked her on her shorts-clad ass.
On the other hand, the Bag Lady is older, and has decided (in her advanced years) that she isn't taking any more shit from anyone, thank you very much! The consequence of this seems to have been a shift in other people's attitudes toward her - total strangers smile at her and back away gently. And she doesn't even have to say anything...just keeps the idiot grin she has pasted on her face and carries on her way. (it might just be the wrinkles and hobbling, too...)


right the fuck on!!! nice work, i was hoping perhaps you might have waited for her outside and crashed your car into hers or something but getting in her face worked well enough for me!!!

Anonymous said...

I would have slapped her. She would have been stunned. I have no self control when my adrenaline is flowing. The police probably would have been called if that happend to me. You were very restrained.

Anonymous said...

Yay for not taking her crap! It's the ones in the giant expensive cars who have the worst attitude. I'm glad you got in her face, though I fear it won't help her be a person next time. At least you can feel good about standing up for yourself.

I agree with you about cheese- cheese makes me happy too. And it's good for your teeth! They don't quite know why but it is.

Poor Bomboclaat! I'm glad the crazy little guy's going to be ok. The things we do for our pets- I've got a paraplegic basset hound myself for whom we have done a lot.

MP said...

OH I really want that to happen to her..Shaniqua OR Maria..will NOT put up with it and more than likely would have gone out, keyed her car at least!!!

Anonymous said...

GOOD FOR YOU! you should have called her a total fucking moron.I'm so sory you have to deal with that! You go girl!

Fianna said...

I am officially in love with you. Previously, it was just a sweet, platonic, not into girls, but sorta really like you. Now, full on crush. You rock.

And I wish bad things on that bitch.

Anonymous said...

Classy. I was instantly reminded of that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where she rams the car in the parking lot. I have always wanted to do that. Amazing, she continued her antics in the grocery store.

Bri said...

Good for you! I hate it when people are mean just to be mean. What a bitch. It's too bad that she probably didn't learn anything from the experience.

revintraining said...

Valet parking at a grocery store? Now I know I need to visit South Florida.

Way to tell that chick what's what! I'm so non confrontational, I would never do anything like that.

Gina said...

You showed remarkable restraint. I used to live in one of the wealthier parts of town (it was a combo of huge houses, mansions and student-type apartments) and I met many people like that. And while I always refrained from punching anyone, I definitely wanted to.

Chris Hanisco said...

Good for you! I'm glad you stuck up for yourself! I swear, the older I get the less patience I have for rude, nasty, mean people.

Chris Hanisco said...

Good for you! I'm glad you confronted her.

Anonymous said...

One part of me wanted you to respond right away, "Well, I'm not a 'fucking moron,' just a person who accidentally made a mistake, but you were purposely a fucking bitch," but the more rational side appreciates that in your confrontation, you proved that she may have money, but you have class that she could never hope to acquire.

Still, I'd love to be there when she meets the black girl in the Cutlass.

theinspector said...

You should not have let up on the string of verbal insults and screaming until the workers had no choice but to call the cops or you ran that fucking scab out of the store and made her afraid of ever shopping there again.

french panic said...

Damn. I was hoping this was going to end with a description of the accidental gouge marks that may have appeared on this woman’s Lexus after you walked past her car with your keys in hand.

Reb said...

Good for you! The only thing you could have added was that she would never make the right connections dressed as she was.

Anonymous said...

Awesome--good for you!

I think I would have keyed her car, although if they have valet parking I guess they probably have cameras.

Nikki said...

I have three things to say:

Your blog is HIL-arious, and I will now stalk! thanks for checkin mine out too!

Good for you giving that THUNDERCUNT a word or two for all the rest of us normal folk!

and third, I think it's hilarious, and probably accidental, that you said you like the Gay Mens Pulbix and then ended that sentence with "They have great meat" I laughed so hard I cried.

But then again, I'm simple....

Anonymous said...

You're my hero today! And "classy" is exactly the right word.

Leonesse said...

I would have told her she needed to get laid and find a decent stylist.

Of course my brain wouldn't have come up with that at the time. My good comebacks always come too late, dammit.

Anonymous said...

That lady must be utterly miserable, but we'll never know why......

One day a store clerk was extremely rude to me. I thought about complaining to the management, but then something made me ask the clerk, "Is something wrong? Can I help?" Then she started to cry and told me that her ex had taken her kids, and she didn't know where they were. She wanted to take off work to look for them but the store management threatened to fire her if she didn't come to work. She must have been in dire need of money b/c she opted to come to work and keep her job. But she wasn't happy to be there, in fact, she was miserable and that's why she was being so rude to the customers.

After saying all that, you might think that I'm defending someone for being an asshole. Actually, there is no good excuse for being an asshole. Being an asshole doesn't make your pain go away, and it actually prevents people from coming to your aid. I would advise someone, if you're miserable and in pain, go to someone you trust and ask for help. Don't just lash out!

Anonymous said...

I was sitting in the front of my bank in my suburu just before Christmas, checking a list when a hundred pound male senior citizen in an enormous truck that was big enough to pull his RV home, pulled in next to me and banged his door into my car getting out. I got out shocked and he had already run into the bank. I went over and saw his white paint mark on the side of my dark blue car door and shook with anger. Then I sat and waited for him to come out.
When he came out, I hopped out and said, "You banged your door into my car." I wanted an apology, an acknowledgment that he was sorry. He had his door opened and over his shoulder said "I did not." Where I explained, "I was sitting in my car when you banged into me and it shook my car." He started to yell at me in a derisive way that he would have "heard it if he had hit me." So I explained to him loudly, that he "must be deaf, because he hit my car." At this point I was yelling, shaking and angry because he so blatantly was lying. I wondered if it was because I was a woman and he felt he could dismiss me as unimportant. I got closer and pointed at him screaming, "Liar!" He shut his door and began to run back to the bank and it made me even crazier because he was too small of a person to apologize for being wrong. I went postal and screamed "you son of a b-tchin lying bastard," several times. At this point all the auto teller people are staring and looking, mostly at him. I wrote down his license plate number and drove off. I was shaking all over, from a public confrontation and angry that I had swore in public. For weeks afterward I stared at giant white trucks wondering if it could be him and if he'd try to push me off the road or something. I wish there was some way of making such people look like the selfish idiots that they are. I applaud your bravery.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that happened to you. After all that she slammed her cart into yours and yelled at you inside the store???

I love this part "I hope that the next person she mouths off to in traffic is a large, 22 year old black girl with gang tattoos who drives a 1990 Cutlass, and I hope she stops traffic, pulls that bitch out of her Lexus and whoops her skinny, bony, ugly ass right there on the road."

Oh yeah.

Best, Anom.Reader

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I wish you had thrown her in with the frozen fish. She needs to cool off.

gulfsidebo said...

It's best to pity her. She's obviously very unhappy. If that ever happens again, shower her with happiness and smiles and tell her "God Bless You!" Or, better yet...just avoid her. Let her dwell in her own unhappiness.

So sad.

Anonymous said...

Damn it, I was waiting for the “and then Widelawns had to smack a bitch” part.

Anonymous said...

I carry a large pocket knife everywhere, and would not have hesitated to slash her tires, and left a note on her windshield telling her why.

But I applaud you for your assertiveness and restraint.

Hilary said...

My ex used to carry around a can of spray adhesive for those nasty parking lot encounters. I don't think he ever really used it but he often thought about spraying their winsheild once they'd gone into the store. I think it just made him feel better to know that he could.

Anonymous said...

Yes, good job! But after confronting her, you should have bought a dozen eggs and heaved them at her car on the way out.

Anonymous said...

As my very wise father said the other day...AND I QUOTE...

"May the fleas of a thousand Camels infect her bush"

I kid you not, he totally said that, I spit Coke all over my carpet laughing.

of idf said...

Omg! You had me raging mad right there with you. And I would be shaking and unable to think clearly and think of all the good things others posted only after I left. I just found your blog and you are awesome!!! I started at the beginning in 2007. You are keeping me up very late because I can't stop reading. Anyone that makes me snort when I laugh is awesome! I haven't found out yet if you're published or famous. But I sure hope you are! I don't have a blog. But my email Is kh121371@yahoo©.von Neumann

Anonymous said...

Omg! You had me raging mad right there with you. And I would be shaking and unable to think clearly and think of all the good things others posted only after I left. I just found your blog and you are awesome!!! I started at the beginning in 2007. You are keeping me up very late because I can't stop reading. Anyone that makes me snort when I laugh is awesome! I haven't found out yet if you're published or famous. But I sure hope you are! I don't have a blog. But my email Is kh121371@yahoo©.von Neumann

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