Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Moron - But 30% Bigger

This morning I was out walking Bomboclaat when a big, black G-Wagon pulled up next to me, causing me to think I was about to be kidnapped and dismembered by a very wealthy serial killer. The tinted window on the passenger side rolled down and a man in a dreadful toupee leaned over from the driver's side.

"Do you live in that house?" he asked.

"Sort of," I said because massive paranoia kicked in and I imagined that he was from the FBI or CIA or something and wanted to investigate me.

Not that I've done anything wrong ever, but I'm just kind of paranoid for no reason. It's kind of like if I'm in a group of people and someone passes gas but it wasn't me and then someone asks who farted I will immediately get all embarassed as if it actually might have been me, although it wasn't and then I'll act so guilty that everyone thinks it really was me. I was like this as a child too. Whenever someone misbehaved and got caught I always felt like maybe I had really been the guilty party even though I wasn't. To this day I still feel terribly about putting Metamucil in the coffee maker, except I didn't do it. It was my cousin.

"Didn't I see you outside the other day cleaning the birdbath?" the man asked.

Did I? I didn't recall.

"Are you the housekeeper?"

This is not the first time someone has asked me this. The other day two guys selling fish out of the back of a pickup truck rang the doorbell and asked if I was the maid and if the lady of the house might be interested in buying fish from the back of a pickup truck. I'm starting to worry here. Do I look like hired help? Is it really that hard to believe that someone like me lives in a house like this? I can't figure it out.

"Umm, no. I'm not the housekeeper. Can I help you with something?"

"Yeah, I came by over the weekend with my girlfriend Tiffany. We were in the Lotus and I asked your dad, or whoever that guy is, your dad right? I told him I was building the same house as this one across the street, only 30% bigger. I really like your birdbath fountain and I want one for my house. Do you know where you got it?"

This was ridiculous on so many levels. First of all, it was the same guy from the other day except now he was wearing a toupee. Over the weekend he was letting his scalp feel the breeze and I suppose this was because he was in a convertible and the toupee might blow away or God forbid, flap up and down in the breeze. Second of all, the guy he thought was my dad was actually my husband, which is hilarious because my poor husband doesn't look old at all, and is really five months younger than me. Last, the birdbath fountain contraption in front of the house isn't particularly unusual and in fact, came from the Target garden center. I remember when my mother ordered it. She wanted a fountain that circulated the water and made pleasant splashing sounds. It is kind of big though, so she ended up not being able to fit it in the car and had to order it online and then when it was delivered the pieces were really heavy so she couldn't put it together and my parents had to call everyone they knew to come help them assemble the thing. Now the fountain mechanism breaks constantly and the whole thing gets clogged with leaves and algae and won't work, which is why Husband and I were out there with the kitchen sieve in the first place.

"It's from the Target Garden Center," I told him.

"Yeah, I really it," he said, "You know, I'm building that same house, only 30% bigger, and I want a fountain."

"I know, you've now told me that your house is 30% bigger three times."

I wonder why that's so important for him, because I can assure you the house across the street is massive already. Maybe he has a complex about his possessions being small. Hmmm.

"Yeah, it is," he said.

"Ok, so the birdbath fountain came from the Target Garden Center."

He looked at me quizically. He scratched at the skin in the place where the seam of his toupee met his forehead.

"I don't know if I've heard of that nursery before. Did they have to import the stone, do you know?"

"It's TARGET. You know, TARGET, the store with the big red bullseye. They have a gardening section. It came from there."

"Yeah, no. It's not ringing a bell. Target? No. Never heard of the place."

How is this possible being that in South Florida there is a Target at every major intersection?

I tried for another minute and a half to explain to him what Target was and finally I gave up.

"Where are you building your house?" I wanted to know.

"At the Basura del Este Beach and Sailing Club, right on the golf course. Well, its a links really since it's directly on the ocean."

I understood then. The Basura del Este Beach and Sailing Club is a super exclusive spit of land on an adjacent island a little North of here. It's connected to my island with a drawbridge and sometimes I like to drive down there to look at the houses, which are indeed, 30% bigger and look like movie sets instead of actual homes.

"Ok, so the fountain came from Italy and was chiseled from marble that was actually excavated from Greek ruins on the isle of Thera which was the lost continent of Atlantis. They shipped the marble to Sicily where it took Sicilian fountain artisans seventeen years to fashion and it's one of a kind and you can't get another one unless you're willing to pay a lot of money. I heard there might be another one almost just like it, but I don't know if you could afford it, I mean, it's a lot of money."

"No shit," said the man, "How much?"

"Oh, in the six figures definitely."

"Can I make you an offer on that one?"

"Sure, but this is my parents' house and they aren't here so maybe you could give me your card or something and I could talk to them and see if we could get you one too."

"Yes! Yes, you have to. Please, as soon as possible!"

The man was very excited. He gave me his card, which did not say what he actually did on it. I certainly wanted to know. His name is Ronald.

Do you people even know how proud my parents would be if I sold their fountain which probably cost only a couple hundred dollars, for a couple hundred THOUSAND dollars? Maybe I should give this poor moron directions to Target or the nearest Home Depot or Lowes. They all have similar birdbath fountains.

Except 30% bigger.


Anonymous said...

A fool and his money are soon parted, at least I hope so in this case :)

Sassy Pants said...

You SHOULD sell it! What a pretentious idiot!

Eric said...

Well, you certainly showed a great deal more patience with this yahoo then I would have.

Anonymous said...

I am very disappointed in you. You should have immediately told him how it is a one of a kind item and you could never part with it. Let him come up with a dollar figure and then take the money. I thought you would have jumped on this after dealing with people like him for so long.

Anonymous said...

OMG You HAVE to sell yours to him, you simply must! for hundreds of thousands of dollars! After all it's from Atlantis, you can't find stuff like that anymore.

Reb said...

Oh my, you really need to call him up and ask what he'd be willing to pay for it! Go 30% higher as a counteroffer. Then you can have a new one from Target delivered & installed, maybe then it will work properly! Of course, you would have to arrange for an installer on his end to not let the cat out of the bag.

Nikki said...

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE tell this fucker how to get to Target!!!

Get as much money from him as you possibly can.

And when he hires people to set it up in his yard for a small fortune, and then tells everyone he knows that it came from where the hell ever, it'll be like getting paid for it all over again!!!

Anonymous said...

I suggest you part this fool from his money at the earliest opportunity.

Thanks for yet another chuckle! :)

booda baby said...

That would the kind thing, to point him to Home Depot. The smart thing would be to take his cash.

I say go for the smart thing.

Hilary said...

I laugh 30% harder when reading your blog entries.. thanks for that. :)

jennifer said...

i cant you believe you didnt sell it on the spot. Living w/ rich people creeps me out, but once in a while you find someone wonderful...until they want you to go Kansas City where it is, um - 14! Is a good friend worth going from 80 to 14? yeah :)

Anonymous said...

As much as I would love to see you get the money and get him, I really don't think you are the type of person to do it. I just don't think you could live with yourself.

Just remember that your heart is 30% bigger.

Anonymous said...

As much as I would love to see you get the money and get him, I really don't think you are the type of person to do it. I just don't think you could live with yourself.

Just remember that your heart is 30% bigger.

Anonymous said...

No WAY GIRL! We taught you better than that. You sell that beast! Then you go buy yourself some fabulous shoes or something.

MP said... do you wear a toupee one day and not the other..I don't get that, it's not like it's an accessory.

renae said...

Do it!!!! Stupid ass needs to cough up major money for it.

Anonymous said...

I recall being at work one day and having gas pains, *knowing* I had to fart. In a group of five I confessed, "I'm scared to even blink my eyes as any movement may cause a fart."

I no sooner had the words out of my mouth than the gal next to me let loose a ripper so amazing that it registered on seismic scales 20 miles away.

Of course, nobody believed me when I pointed the finger at her. What a tremendously dirty trick to pull.

Of note here is that we "girls" are true hotties - we have hot flashes 24/7.


Anonymous said...

I say sell it to him, take the money, buy yourself some gorgeous shoes, then something fabulous for your parents and then donate the rest of the money to a homeless shelter.

nicrogers said...

Girl friend, you should sell that sucker! I am sure you could even get your parents a new one. Maybe they wouldn't even notice! lol So funny. I want to see a picture of this fountain.

Anonymous said...

While you may worry about the "nice factor" in taking this guy's money, just think what you could do with it! You could replace the busted fountain, (with a bigger one of course, so next time Mr. 30% comes by, he'll want to buy that one too) AND donate money to your favorite charity, AND get yourself a pedicure and some new shoes. Maybe even a ginormous, tacky handbag to go with it!

Courtney said...

You have GOT to follow up on this. You should have said Tar-JJJAY.

basteine said...

how does one come to have so much money yet be so out of touch with the world around them? perhaps he will require a bird bath that is 30% larger to go with his 30% larger house. Maybe he can get a30% larger toupee. see folks, size does matter.

Anonymous said...

Relieve this man of his money without any qualms. That money will do much more good in your hands. Selling things for more then they're worth is called capitalism, and it's the American way. So you're doing this for America! For truth, justice, and liberty!

Invest 30%, spend 30% with wild abandon, and give 30% to charity. (Yes I know there's 10% left... 30% is just the number of the day!)

Anonymous said...

Sell it him for $150K (discount) tell your parents after the fact and that you are taking a 25% broker's fee.

Anonymous said...

Sell it to him, SNM! Sell it. If he's got his head so far up his gold-plated butt that he doesn't know what Target is, you won't be doing your karma any harm. Besides, you already told him the truth; he wouldn't believe you.

Curlatini, Esq. said...

What a jackass. He'd never heard of Target??? I guess he's one of those really dumb rich people. because the smart ones have heard of Target, that's how they got so rich, by saving money!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can get him one 30% smaller.

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