Friday, January 18, 2008

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

Some people have so little faith. Any little thing can knock them off the glittery faith wagon and cause them to start complaining that there's no God and that God wouldn't let bad things happen to them if he really loved them, and all kinds of blather like that. Well, it's simply not true, at least not for me. I know there's a God and a Baby Jesus and a big grown up Jesus who looks like he follows Jam Bands around the country like my cousin Stu, and this is the story of how I came to have the Lord, Our God, Jesus H. Christ living in my heart (I think I feel him tickling my left ventricle right now). He is happy because I am writing about him.

Today I had one of those experiences where another person that you know does something or says something so extraordinarily assholetrous that you stand there in stunned silence feeling like a mute fool shocked that they did this. In my case, I was outright, blatantly dissed, snubbed even, in public by someone I know and I couldn't believe it. The sheer force of this dis almost knocked me off my feet. I was so shocked I had to call my friend and complain to her about it just to be able to breathe again, and the friend, who I'd like to call Emma if she has no objections, made me feel better because she compared the offending individual to an unsocialized dog who needs to go on Dog Whisperer to know how to act around other dogs.

Of course I didn't respond to the dis because in the grand scheme of things it isn't remotely important, but in some ways I kind of wished I had just for the sheer sadistic fun of it. You know how when something like this happens then three hours later you think of 57 brilliant, witty, ascerbic, delightfully rotten things you could have said at the time? I've been doing this. Of course, you can never seem to think of all these clever comebacks when you're actually in the situation.

Only one time in my entire life have I ever had the proper retort. It was the time that God spoke through me and proved that he really did exist in all his loving glory.

Some time ago, right before I met Husband I was sort of half-assedly dating a guy who was, by all accounts, unanimously, an idiot. I don't know a single person who liked this guy once they got to know him. The thing that got me was that he was very charming at first and being a criminal defense lawyer, he was also a smooth talker, so he sucked me in briefly. Plus, he was mildly cute. My sister once referred to him as beautiful, but I definitely wouldn't go that far.

For the first month or so he was on his best behavior and things were just great. Then slowly, all the skeletons starting exiting their closet. First I'd notice a little femur, then maybe a piece of a rib, then a skull, next a whole skeleton, and before I knew it it was like the friggin' Mexican Day of the Dead celebration going on there were so many damned skeletons. Skeletons in sombreros, skeletons playing guitars, skeletons booty dancing. It was a gigantic parade of skeletons coming out of this guy's closet. There were even parade floats and a marching bands of skeletons led by cheerleader skeletons with pom-poms. At one point I wouldn't have been surprised if he told me he killed JonBenet and that he wasn't even a real human being but was a robot that was part of a government conspiracy to manufacture the biggest possible example of jackass intelligence the world has ever seen to use as some kind of secret weapon. He could annoy other countries into surrender.

This guy really reminded me a lot of Larry David. He had poor social skills once he let his guard down and stopped his charming act, which apparently had a 30 day expiration date, and he was always having bizarre interactions wherein he did things that really pissed off other people. I know I'm not one to talk, but his examples were extreme and got him fired from jobs, thrown out of living arrangements and caused him numerous other serious troubles.

One day he called me and asked if I'd like to come over and have a slice of pizza because he'd just ordered delivery. I went to his apartment and he gave me a slice of pizza. Once he gave me the slice of pizza he wrapped up all the other pizza and put it away. I said I would like to have two slices of pizza, to which he replied:

"I asked if you wanted to come over for A slice of pizza, not TWO slices of pizza."

I nearly dropped dead of a brain hemorrhage when he calculated the cost of the pizza, divided into slices and attempted to charge me if I wanted a second piece.

By the time the first skeleton beauty queen had passed in her vintage car, waving her bony hand, I was already plotting my escape but one day he begged me to go to Starbucks with him and for whatever reason I went and met him there. As we were sipping our lattes he began to sigh dramatically.

"It's my fate," he said all breathy.

"What?" I asked.

"All I want is a skinny girl. I ask God to please just send me a skinny girl, but I always seem to end up with you chubby ones. I guess the good side is that the chubby girls are always a lot better in bed because you're trying to overcompensate for not having a hot body."

Stunned silence. I wondered if I needed an ear candling. Did he just say that to me? Yes, readers, he really said that and normally I would have never said anything or I would have just burst into tears, but looking down from Heaven, even God Himself was offended. Knowing that I was a sappy wuss who wouldn't be able to come up with anything great to say, God temporarily took over my body and literally spoke through me in order to not let this offense pass.

Casually, I smiled.

"Oh yeah," I said, "Jeez, I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I ask God all the time to send me a man with a big dick, but I keep getting all you small dicked guys. It kind of sucks, but you know, you small dicked guys are better in bed because you're all trying to overcompensate for your shortcomings too so there's a lot more foreplay."

"Did you just say I had a small dick????"

"Did you call me chubby?"

With that I got up and left. Later he called me and I dumped his ass. A few days later a friend told me he had a 19 year old Honduran girl moved into his apartment and explained that he had been dating her the entire time he was dating me.

See, there is a God. And if I had even remotely doubted His existence then, I definitely knew God loved me when a couple months later I came upon the idiot at the exact moment that he was getting arrested, but I'll save that story for later.


Manda said...

I wish I could have thought up something along those lines when I - the chubby girl - had broken up with someone. He told me I should be thankful he was dating me and he figured I had been a waste of his time. I'm so glad not to be dating anymore - what a relief - I've been married almost 11 years now, lost 100 pounds and have two beautiful little ones.

JoeinVegas said...

I am impressed - I see those people on TV sitcoms with the quick comebacks, and for me the perfect answer comes about ten minutes after the event when I'm getting in my car.

Anonymous said...

I bet the Honduran girl was big-boned.

Reb said...

Good for you for letting God make the remark through you!
I too think of the quick comeback when it is too late.

revintraining said...

Man, that chubby girl comment pissed me off...mostly because it reminds me of something my mom said to me when I was younger.

Way to verbally smack that guy down! *applauds*

St. Casserole said...

I enjoy your blog. It's time for you to get the book deal/contract!

Anonymous said...

Your charming idiot guy reminds me of my charming jerk guy. My guy is not as bad as yours but he only has girl friends somehow, I guess we fall for the charm way more than other guys do.

Anonymous said...

that is an absolutely amazing comeback. very accurate too...the small ones do tend to take their time before getting to the main feature. ;)

KT said...

Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, girl. I don't which part of that guy's story is the freakiest, but your comeback was perfect. Brava.

JDogg said...

I remember hearing about this.

This was a great moment.

Anonymous said...

Try (I hope that's the address). He's jewish, has 2 kids, lives in california, is fighting depression and has an amazing sense of humour.

Anonymous said...

Golden. I can't wait for the next story.

Anonymous said...

OMGosh that was awesome!! I had to call my co-workers over to read that bit about the chubby girls and guys with small dicks. Hysterical!!

Anonymous said...

Nooooo! You're leaving me in suspense - I want to hear about this idiot getting arrested!

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