Friday, January 04, 2008

How I Knew I Was Back in South Florida

I thought I had accidentally boarded the wrong plane and slept through a cross country flight to New York instead of Florida because the pilot said it was 38 degrees out when we landed. Really? 38 degrees? A small, collective panic arose from the passengers on my flight. Natives returning home had all looked forward to getting out of freezing, 60 degree California and Californians visiting I could tell, all wanted a chance to get a real tan and not one out of a spray booth that made them look like they bathed in Lipton tea.

It really was 38 degrees yesterday morning. Everywhere I went people were bundled up like Inuits on a seal hunt and all the Rich White Ladies rejoiced because now they had an excuse to pull out their furs and swath themselves in pelt. I saw many the strappy mink stiletto yesterday, which to me kinda defies logic because what is the point of fur if your toes are bare? I guess I'm the only person who imagines fur as something to keep one warm. The purpose of fur coats is to look posh and to show others how much money someone spent on you, not to be practical. And while I'm on this topic, what happened to fur being a taboo? I thought fur was evil and you'd lose all your friends if you even dared a little rabbit collar on your cardigan and suddenly, the temperature drops below 60 and every female over the age of four in South Florida is parading around in fox, chinchilla and shorn mink. I'm not joking. I saw little kids in fur jackets.

Yesterday afternoon was stormy. Grey and windy, the sea whipped and threw sand in my eyes as I went over to the Rusty Badge to see my sister and have a bowl of chowder, because it was the perfect chowder day and the Badge has the best chowder ever. I swear it's nothing but heavy cream and bacon with a few clams tossed in, and how can cream of bacon be bad? On my way in I saw a family with some teenaged sons playing ball on the beach wearing shorts and tee shirts and I felt sorry for them, thinking they hadn't packed well for their vacation.

"Look," yelled one the boys, pointing at me, "a local!"

They all laughed.

"You're from here aren't you?" said the father.

I affirmed his suspicions, then looked to see that several other people were actually swimming in the ocean although it was 55 degrees, blustery and sprinkling.

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because you're wearing a hat, scarf and a pea coat when it's hot outside!" the man laughed.

Ok, well at least it wasn't fur!

I asked where they were from.

"Maine!"

I suppose that in Maine, 55 degrees could be considered warm and summery, but as I have never been there I can't exactly say.

I went in, had my soup and left and on the way home I turned on a local radio station and heard ads for cosmetic surgery - Breast Augmentation Plus Lipo!! New Year's Special!! Get a Jump Start on those Resolutions Now!!!

Then I heard an advertisement for a doctor who specializes in G-Spot surgery, supposedly guaranteed to dramatically enhance sexual satisfaction and sensation, because only in South Florida are there radio commercials for doctors who slice on your Hoo-Ha just so you can have better sex, because I know that's exactly what I'm thinking about when I drive.

I'm usually putting along behind some 75 year old couple from Quebec in their rented car, half wondering if my MapQuest directions to wherever I'm going are accurate, also hoping they'll play Flo Rida on the radio because after the Christmas party, Low is definitely my new favorite song yo, and then it'll just pop into my head that I really wonder where I can get plastic surgery on my crotch. What you don't wonder that? But luckily, I live here, and if my Hoo-ha ever stops working I will know exactly where to go to get it fixed.

Ahhh, fur, surgery and tourists from up North...I am home.

17 comments:

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, to Northeners like us, 55 degrees is pretty much "summer".
Yes, we know how sad this is.

You should see how it is here in late April/early May, when we get the first day over 60 degrees. All of a sudden the sidewalks are a sea of pasty, jiggly flesh springing forth from it's wooly confines and basking in the "summer" weather.
Gross.

Ms Bart said...

I was in Maine with the family for Christmas. It was Southern Maine and over 30 most days I was there. Family walks after the meals were in sweatshirts with windbreakers. You pull out the coats when it gets cold!


Ms. Bart (sitting in her living room where the heat is currently set to a balmy 60 degrees -- it was 8 degrees this morning on my way to work. That's coat, hat and glove weather.)

Laurie said...

yes indeedy, 55 degrees up heyah (that's how we say it) in New England = shorts and t-shirts.

Laurie (Seacoast Scrapper)

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back home!

:)

JDogg said...

14 here near NYC this morning, looking forward to the 55 on Sunday.

Welcome home.

Leonesse said...

I would love to be half naked on a beach right now, but will keep my hooty hoo just as she is. Thankyouverymuch.

saintseester said...

I completely love that Flo Rida song too! Low, low low low...

Michelle said...

You are hysterical! I love just the one entry in your blog that I read. Does it get better than this? I hope so! lol...thanks for coming by my blog the other day. Not sure how you found it but thanks for stopping and leaving your though provoking comments.

and I am glad to know where *I* can go to get *my* hoo-ha fixed should it break!

Anonymous said...

That Flo Rida song cracks me up. Plus you did see someone wearing boots with the fur! Technically, they weren't boots. Was she at least wearing Apple Bottom Jeans?

I'm in Colorado. 55 Degrees is downright balmy for us. Today we are at about 65 degrees because of the Chinook winds. I work in the travel industry, and spoke with a travel agent from Miami earlier this week. I talk to her often- she's an old Jewish lady who either likes you or she doesn't. Forunately, she likes me. She told me it was so cold her mashugga (I am sure that's not how it's spelled) was freezing off. All I could do was sit at my desk going, "Oh- ok." while not letting my mind go into that dark pervy territory where a mashugga could be any number of things I don't want to associate with an old Jewish lady.

FirstNations said...

sad but true; let the temperature go up to the 50's here and i'm wearing a tank top with my arm hanging out the drivers side window.

no surprise that it takes a phd for a man to 1.learn that there IS a g spot 2. find the sapsucker, and then immediately 3. decide that the one nature provided needs surgical improvement.

Reb said...

It is a balmy 26 F here right now, we are having a veritable heat wave! Needless to say, I would be one of those people on the beach snickering at the locals who don't know what cold is! -40 (same on both scales) is damned cold, but we still go to work and shop and what-have-you. Yes, we have had people wonder if we close up when it gets cold. Can you tell I'm from Canada?

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Dayna said...

Hi Lawn Lady,
I came here after you posted on "Boobs, Injuries & Dr.Pepper" looking for more traffic to your sight. Well it worked you got me. One is better than none. I put you in my list of blogs and promise to visit whenever. I read 4 other blogs (Rosie.com, Ross the Intern, SaveKaryn.com, & Boobs Inj.&Dr.P) pretty much daily.
Yes, you are a good(funny/entertaining) writer.

Dayna said...

68 degrees tonight in Southaven, Ms.(a suburb of Memphis). I moved "Up North" over 6 years ago. I am originally from South La. When it drops below 70 degrees I think it is getting cold. In La. really cold weather for us was 40 degrees.

Moi said...

Every time you mention "Rusty Badge" in my head I read it as "Rusty Vadge". What is wrong with me?!

Kale Rae said...

Ah, Quebeckers in Florida...careful, word has it there is a whole community of French speaking Quebeckers who want to start up there own little mini-Quebec town with vive le Quebec signs in their doors and forcing their children to attend French school and not English school to promote how awesome they think they are....welcome to the world of an english Quebecker. (except for the you're not Canadian part)

gulfsidebo said...

we hit 29 with a wind chill in the upper teens over in st. pete. i actually wore my wool coat. oh, how i missed the wool coat on those snowy walks to grab coffee and browse the books at the Tattered Cover.

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