Saturday, January 26, 2008

Ghetto Superstar Awards 08

Come on people, put your hands in the air, yo!!! It's time for the first Ghetto Superstar award of 2008!!!

Last Saturday my cousin Fallon and I were driving down A1A, which is our beachfront, easternmost roadway. It's our equivalent to PCH in California. It was a glorious day of the sort that makes tourists from Minnesota really happy that they picked that weekend for their vacation. Old men in Speedos strolled the white sands, Europeans swam in the cool green sea and the traffic was bad because several old people and Quebecois tourists were driving very slowly acting as if they had never seen a beach before in their entire lives and could not comprehend the magnificent combination of water and sand that stretched before them.

Suddenly Fallon and I hear:

"APPLE BOTTOM JEANS AND THE BOOTS WITH THE FUR"

The music was so loud that the dashboard of the Saturn literally began to creak from the vibrations and I feared the windshield might crack. Fallon and I started to dance. In the car. We couldn't help ourselves. My philosophy is dance first and ask questions later, but oddly this only works when I'm driving. I'm like those people who can only sing in the shower. I can only dance in the car, while sitting down. Get me on an actual dance floor where I have to coordinate two entire separate halves of my body and I freeze up.

Still dancing, we look around and can't figure out where this music is coming from. It seemed to be emanating forth from the sky itself. We also noticed that all the other people in the cars around us, including the 75 year old couples from New Jersey and the equally ancient Quebecois were also dancing. All the people on the beach were dancing. Old men in Speedos were doing the sprinkler and the lawn mower. A gaggle of Hispanic girls in string bikinis started booty dancing and an old lady nearly broke her hip trying to dance while holding her right ankle and rotating.

The music got louder and it seemed to be coming from my side of the car, so I looked over and a very peculiar ice cream truck had pulled up beside me. The music was coming from an ice cream truck, but this was no ordinary ice cream truck readers. This was the most pimped out, Ghetto Superstar ice cream truck in the whole world.

For one it had some massive speakers. Someone had ripped out the whole front console and replaced it with big ass, ghetto speakers. You know the kind. They're the ones that people in the hood will forego living in actual homes of their own just so that they can afford to put them in their $500 cars.

"NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW"

My eardrum was about to burst. Of course this didn't stop me from dancing and driving at the same time, which really excited the driver of the Ghetto Superstar Ice Cream Truck.

Before I go on to describe the rest of the truck, I have to take a moment to really do justice to its driver. He was a little Latino guy who had his seat leaned completely back, as far as it would go and still allow him to place on hand on the steering wheel. Might I also add that the seat was upholstered in some sort of fake Louis Vuitton print fabric. He was also wearing a floppy chef's hat and oversized sunglasses with gold frames that looked like the ones Elvis used to wear. He wore a white tank top, lots of gold jewelry and had tattoos which made me think that this dude was probably selling more than ice cream. He too was dancing and he took an obvious pride in the pimpacity of his ice cream truck.

The outside of the ice cream truck was a pastiche of graffiti tags and Good Humor ads as well as memorials to fallen homeys who died in battle, one assumes. Street battle of course, not Iraq. If you can imagine this, the ice cream truck was raised up and the tires sported the biggest sized rims in existence. It was like they took the tires off a monster truck. So essentially, and I may be coining a new term here, it was a donked out ice cream truck. Fo' reals people. But that's not all. It had spinners and they were purple.

Naturally the Ghetto Superstar Ice Cream truck caused much sensation on the road. People were actually running after it. It was a combination of an ice cream truck, a club on wheels and just an unbelievable spectacle. I kind of loved it and because of that I have decided to award it the very first Wide Lawns Ghetto Superstar Award this year.

And yes, I tried desperately to get a picture of it with the phone, as did Fallon, but as it was moving, we were moving, and I was trying to actually drive a vehicle, this proved nearly impossible, however, I'm going back out in search of it today. Also, I was wondering if this guy could in any way be related to the Crown Royal Bag Car guy.

10 comments:

saintseester said...

Did she give her big booty a slap? I love that song. And I sooooo hope you can get a picture or video (even better) of this dream on wheels! PLEASE

Reiven said...

I want to thank you for an entirely new vocabulary! Also I would like to suggest (for your readers benefit) that you have a camera attached to your car, like the police do in "Cops." We would appreciate it and I'm sure if you set up a pay pal account we would all contribute to such a worthy cause. I love your blogs and this would be just the impetus I need to get off of my meds.

Amy said...

Pimp my Ride did an ice cream truck once. I tried to find a good picture of it and couldn't - it's episode 404 if ya care to hunt. I've been reading your blog foreva it seems - just not one to comment often.
Amy

Reb said...

It sounds like you have the most interesting and fun times down there. I'm jealous, we are expecting a blizzard and cold cold temps tomorrow and you have donked out Ice Cream trucks.

Dayna said...

Picture would be great, but VIDEO would be "Ghetto Fabulous".
Hope you can get it can't wait to see it.

nandy said...

It's only January! Don't be giving that award away too soon, now.

nandy

Wide Lawns said...

What are my comments broken or something??? People! Say Something!!!

Anonymous said...
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ilianna said...

This post is GOLD. It made me laugh, imagining little old ladies and their husbands dancing to Low. And the ice cream truck, absolutely ghettotastic. This sight is something I have to see before I die, I'm telling you!

Mommy said...

I thought of this post yesterday when I saw a car yesterday painted to look like a Frosted Flakes box with elevated tires.

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