Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Flow Chart

The Parents

My Mother - redneck from the South, convicted felon, former drug dealer (it was forever ago), rescuer of all lost and neglected humans and animals. Converted to jewish for my father, but hates the food. She has bleached blonde hair and big boobs and a Southern accent and can make ass kicking chicken and dumplings.

My Father - My dad is Israeli. His family is orthodox Jewish. He is still Jewish but not orthodox. He is a hipster dad who wears sneakers that look like bowling shoes, listens to cool music and has a buzz cut. He is also very handsome.

Biological Father - No relationship here. The man is insane and abandoned me when I was 11. He is a Baptist preacher and missionary and belongs to some offshoot independent Baptist cult and he embodies every bad religious hypocrite stereotype there is. He has five other children and his wife, who was just as evil as he is, just died of cancer.

The Siblings
My Sister - She is 8 years younger, going to school to be a cop and is a bartender at the beachfront dive, The Rusty Badge. She is into blue-collar New Englanders and has a cat that looks like the cat from Pet Cemetary. We drive the exact same car. My sister is not actually my sister, but really my half aunt. Many years ago my mother's father got a young girl pregnant and my sister was the result. Her real mother was very troubled and my grandfather died so my mother took her and raised her like my sister and she is.

My Brother Mini-T - Mini-T is my big black brother who was basically dropped on our doorstep. He is my sister's age, has a baby now and pimps out cars for a living.

The 5 Half Siblings I Don't Know - I don't know them. I think they are brainwashed by the Baptist cult for the most part.

The Long Lost Half Sister - She is one of the 5 above. I've recently started talking to her. She is the only one who seems to have broken out of the brainwashing and is not religious, though she acts like she is for her family. I've instant messaged with her and talked to her on the phone once. She plays violin in a rock band and seems strangely, a lot like me in many ways.

The Grandparents (I am lucky to have 3 sets)

Memere Marie - My mother's mother. She lives in Millpond, Deep South. She is very fancy and married the richest man in town after my grandfather died. They own racehorses and my grandmother has a lot of luck playing the slots. She is obsessed with who has cancer and who has died in Millpond and loves to talk and send me articles clipped from the Millpond Chronicle. She also likes to eat weird organ meats and spray paint things gold.

Mommom Jewel and Pop Byron - They live in Millpond too and are Biological Father's parents. Pop Byron is a retired General and has some health problems now and Mommom Jewel takes care of him. She is very crabby and was in an armed robbery and didn't know it.

Saba and Savta - They are my Dad's parents and live near here. They're orthodox and Eastern European Holocaust survivors who moved to Israel after WW II. We see them a lot and they are very sweet.

The Aunts and Uncles

Mom's Side - My mom comes from a family of 6, the youngest two being my sister and her brother who lives in Ohio with his mom and doesn't travel so I've never met him. My mom is the second child of the original four by Memere Marie. Her older brother is my Uncle Bull the grass roots political activist who has been all over TV, so I won't say much about that. He does incredible work and my mom helps him. Then there's my mom. Then there's my Uncle Gargle who got dropped on his head and then did too much acid as a teenager. He lives in a trailer, never has a job and is a Pentecostal now. The youngest is Aunt Kiki who lives a couple hours away and is my favorite aunt of all.

Dad's Side - My dad is the oldest and has two sisters. One is Orthodox and lives in New York and has 3 kids who I absolutely adore. The other is close to my age and lives in Israel with her two little children who I also love passionately. They visit pretty often, which is good.

Bio-Father's Side - Although I don't have a relationship with my Biological Father, I do have a relationship with his family. More than he does even. They are the Hollands and they're great people. My BF has two older brothers who are twins and who are married to lovely women and they all live in Millpond too. Aunt Janey is Mommom Jewel's youngest sister.


Mom's Side - I can't keep track of all the cousins on this side. I'm closest with Aunt Kiki's kids by far, of which Fallon is one. Aunt Kiki has four daughters. Uncle Bull has two redneck sons who like to shoot guns. Uncle Gargle has two daughters in the trailer park and one has a baby and works in Walmart and might get married this Spring. The youngest brother who I don't know, is 23 and got an 18 year old pregnant and she's due this summer.

Dad's Side - My three cousins from New York are all super over achievers. The two are in prestigious universities and the youngest is in 8th grade. They're religious and good kids who don't participate in fraternity hazing rituals at all. Ahem. The other two cousins in Israel are very little and sweet.

Bio-Father's Side - I have a lot of cool cousins on this side and I wish I could see them a lot more because they're line dancin', Jell-O eating, horse riding, seriously fun girls.

Bella Holland - Bella is my OCD, insane cousin who is my best friend. She used to live here but moved back to Millpond last year and I miss her more than you can imagine. She is a lot of fun. I went to Paris with her and we just went to Disney in December. Aunt Deenie and Uncle Byron are her parents.

Cousin Stu - Stu and I are a month apart in age and Stu lives down here too. He is an electrician and a glass blower and LOVES Jam Bands. He drives a truck and surfs in Hurricanes and looks like Joaquin Phoenix. We have the same nose.

OK, that's pretty much it. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone. If I did I will add them as I remember. Maybe this will clear things up a bit. I know its confusing.

Please let the spacing on this post be normal now and if it isn't I just give up


Anonymous said...

OK - thanks - now I can print this and post it, so as to decode all of those people you are talking about.

Wide Lawns said...

I have no idea what's up with the f-ing spacing on blogger. It will not fix.

Nikki said...


Anonymous said...

damn it.
I'm still confused. Now I'll have to draw up a family tree to keep them all straight.

Anonymous said...

That was extremely helpful! You should put a direct link to it in your sidebar for our reference as we read on. I actually was just writing about how I love your stories and am always waiting for the next one, a couple of posts back. (we have our own crazy rich here) take care!

Anonymous said...

OK. Got it.....I think......

mbahawk said...

I seem to remember an Aunt Deenie, who never wears shoes that aren't Dr. Scholl's. Is she Bella Holland's Mother, maybe?

Anonymous said...

Just think: If you had a "regular" family like most of us, what would you blog about? All these crazy people also helped make you the person you are today! But you do seem appropriately appreciative of and ... um... I'm lacking a word here... bemused by them. ;)

Wide Lawns said...

Yes! Good memory. Aunt Deenie is Bella's mom.

MP said...

Thanks SO much for giving us the cast of characters...I think I'd love those line dancing, jello shot cousins too! Although I can't line dance and don't really want to.
I don't even know them and I love them all.. So what's up w/ mom and dad in California?
Are they invited to Tom and Katie's yet? Becoming Scientologists?

misha said...

Can you hook me up w/ your cousin Stu? If he is over 26...

yes, i am that odd...

and please, never stop writing here. I love reading your writing.

Anonymous said...

I think I'd like to hang out with your cousin Stu.. I love your blog, have been reading it since before you quit Wide Lawns.. you have an interesting life and you write fabulously.. Keep it up..


Anonymous said...

Don't you have an Aunt...Matt? I seem to recall a flamboyant male Auntie in here somewhere. Goes to the gay sex beach and all?

Woman, your family makes mine look like the Waltons, and that's saying something. Your family tree is a gold mine and you need a damn book deal.

Anonymous said...

Let's just say that Pat is feeling very special today! :)

I don't remember how I found this blog, but I am certainly glad I did. The Queen Procrastinator, I probably kept clicking on links to avoid what I really had to do that day.

My head has been spinning and I have been Laughing Out Loud ever since that first story...the High Priced Designer buying "art" at TJMaxx.

Like many readers here, I love the no nonsense, edgy tone to your sense of humor.

This has to be true. Who could make all that up?

PS...No blogging for me! I procrastinate badly enough!

Anonymous said...

I tried to draw up a little map of your family, but it started to look like spaghetti with name tags in it. I think it may be even more screwed up than mine.
I was born with a last name that no one else in my family has and I have two brothers with the same first name (both half-brothers, each related to me but not to each other). My mother forgot I already had a brother with that name until it was too late.
Family is fun.

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