Thursday, December 13, 2007
I just wanted to share a few things with you this afternoon and later, I will probably, although I'm not guaranteeing this, write a proper story.

I have the next several weeks off to live the life of a housewife, so today I decided to make a pot of homemade chicken soup exactly the way my Jewish grandmother Savta makes it. Yes, I have three grandmothers. Savta doesn't get in armed robberies, she doesn't dream up elaborate conspiracies and she doesn't live in Millpond. She lives with my grandfather Saba, in a community for old Jewish people who like to spy on one another and tell the rabbi if someone else breaks the sabbath. Savta is a little old lady who wears her hair in a bun, has never even tried on a pair of pants and would drop dead if she ate something that wasn't kosher. She makes really good soup and taught me how to make it which is what I'm doing now.

That's really it about the soup.

Yesterday I saw a nekkid man at McDonalds.

I was driving to school and I was stopped at a light next to a McDonalds on the other side of the bridge that connects the Island to Basura proper and there, outside on those concrete tables they have in front of some McDonaldses sat a pretty ordinary looking man, maybe around 50. Something caught my eye and I said to myself "That man looks like he's not wearing any pants"

And then "OH MY GOD!!! THAT MAN IS NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!! OR A SHIRT!!! THAT MAN IS STARK NEKKID!!!"

I do not know what a nekkid man was doing sitting outside of McDonalds and why no one else seemed to have noticed, but there he was just as plain as day drinking orange juice through a straw without a stitch of fabric covering his body. And then because he totally wanted to make my day, before the light turned green, the nekkid man stood up in all of his nekkid glory and exposed himself casually to all the people stopped at that traffic light and I saw his entire bare bottom and butt crack and then before I saw some other things the light changed and I drove away.

The whole rest of the ride all I could think about was what happened after I drove away. I wonder if he put some clothes on. I wonder if he got arrested. I wonder what he was thinking.

I was delighted that I got to see this sight, because I am sick in the head and am immediately drawn to anything strange and out of the ordinary no matter how deviant. I often think that I should have gone into journalism. Whenever I hear of something terrible, unusual or exciting happening I immediately want to go and see it and look at it and if possible, also mess with it. I can't help myself. Maybe I could spin this quality in future job interviews. I could chirp things like:

"I have a natural curiosity and a passion for discovering the unknown!!"

Later yesterday when I got home I found the the Former Mormon, who is still here indefinitely, wheeling an enormous sculpture into the house on a hand truck. When I got inside the house I discovered that the piece he was wheeling in was one of many and that the living room of Casa Dei Sogni resembled a gallery of the gaudy. There are sculptures everywhere. None of them are wearing clothes. One is a statue of a woman who is almost as tall as I am and she appears to be dragging a giant fish behind her.

My favorite sculpture is the one he was wheeling in as I arrived. It is of a large, prancing horse.

The horse has no skin. You can see all of its bones and muscles and the piece of art is geniusly entitled: Anatom-equus. I just love that name. I mean if I was on the fence about buying a statue of a skinless horse and couldn't make up my mind, a name like Anatom-equus would totally sell me. Why do people want statues of things without skin? This is going to keep me up at night.

Just now I went to skim the foam from my pot of soup and the Former Mormon, sans Claude, was hopping around the kitchen trying to take bites from my lunch as he was in the middle of a crisis. Yesterday morning he locked himself out of his bedroom and we had to practically remove the door from its hinges to get him back in and rescue my sister's cat.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister's asshole cat is here too now. The freak magnet pulled it in as well.

I can't stand my sister's cat. She found it in a dumpster in Ohio, drugged it and drove it all the way down here. It's long haired and solid grey and looks like a lynx. It hates everyone and everything and is essentially a feral cat that is now declawed and living indoors. It's mean. Once it cornered me in her kitchen and you can't even approach it without it snarling and hissing.

The cat ended up at Casa DS because my sister is not allowed to have cats in her apartment. The maintenance man at her building busted her and told the landlord. When questioned, my sister said she was merely watching someone else's cat for a day and then packed him up and brought him over here, where all misfit, freakish and unwanted things inevitably end up.

Canela was displeased. Canela is a nice, friendly, quiet little cat and when she saw Puss, for that is the beast's name, she immediately turned herself into a bottle brush and prepared to open a can of her own special brand of kitty whoop ass on him. Puss is petrified of her, which is hilarious because he's like three times her size. Bomboclaat decided to get in on the action and back up his girl, so now we've got Bomboclaat and Canela vs. Puss and about every fifteen minutes the fur flies.

Canela and Puss avoid one another as best as they can, but then I think they get bored and being feline drama queens, they sit a few feet from one another and make ungodly noises in what can only be described as a cat yo' mama contest. Eventually though, someone will cross a line and say something unforgivable and it will get physical, at which point Bomboclaat has to intervene and then Bomboclaat and Canela chase Puss through the house. I don't even need a TV. I should charge entry and let people bet on them.

But back to the Former Mormon. So yesterday morning he locked himself out of his room with Puss trapped inside. Today he has again locked something in something else without keys and I can't figure out what, but it appears to be a terrible crisis, for which he grabbed a slice of cake in his hand and went flying out of the house when I told him where to find the nearest Home Depot. He said he had to buy bolt cutters.

God help us. Or me, actually. God help me. Please.

And also, my cousin Fallon, winner of the amateur contest at her local, Central Florida, red neck strip club, TWO WEEKS IN A ROW, is coming to see me for the weekend tomorrow.

I think I need to go take some pictures for you all. How can I allow you, my dear readers, to go on without seeing the skinless horse?

14 comments:

NicoleinAZ said...

Forget the horse! I want to see a picture of Fallon!

Happy Holidays, SNM!

Subservient No More said...

Shoot, she has so many on her MySpace page, she'd definitely let me put up a picture of her.

MP said...

OK..are the dogs there too? Are any of these beasts moving to Cali?

nicrogers said...

You are so funny! I crack up every day when I read your blog. Thanks for sharing.
also...sorry...since I enjoy you so much....
You have been tagged to do this Christmas Hoopla. Ok, this is specifically not a meme. It's a HOOPLA. Got it? Here are the rules: 1. List 12 random things about yourself that have to do with Christmas2. Please refer to it as a 'hoopla' and not the dreaded 'm'-word 3. You have to specifically tag people when you're done. None of this "if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged" stuff is allowed...then nobody ends up actually doing it. The number of people who you tag is really up to you -- but the more, the merrier to get this 'hoopla' circulating through the blogosphere. 4. Please try and do it as quickly as possible. The Christmas season will be over before we know it and I'd like to get as many people involved as possible.

Leonesse said...

Naked horses and bolt cutters.

Fine time in Florida today!

JDogg said...

Again, more great stories!

Hope all is well there, we had a good snow here in the NY area.

We have a lot to catch up on.

Crabby McSlacker said...

I'd like to add a vote for nakedness, just on principle. Naked Fallon, Naked McDonalds man, whoever. I'm not the sort who cares much for porn, but I love inappropriate nakedness.

I wish they'd bring back streaking, I miss it.

Anonymous said...

You are sooooooooo funny. I love your phonetic spelling of redneck words. Can't wait for the next story. Any magical ingredients to Granny's soup???

Anonymous said...

Love your blog!
The skinless horse is kinda scary.

You know those ugly shoes you had talked about a few months ago? The Reva by Tory Burch with the huge cd/medallion/whatever it is on the front? Well now they come in colors of that thing on teh front. Ugh. The women in my city are all wearing them and it's so gross. Also, are the rich women & concubines there wearing thse ugly watches too? I am not sure who makes them but they are these huge watches that look like men's watches all in total black, white, or pink with diamonds? Hideous adn women wearing them to the office all the time.

Subservient No More said...

Anonymous - ingredients to soup:

beef short ribs, beef shank bone (like a mature osso buco), 1 whole chicken cut up no giblets, celery, parsnip, carrots, cabbage, 1/2 head of cauliflower, turnips, a beet but not more than 1 or the soup will be pink, onion, garlic, pich of red pepper flakes, 20 peppercorns, bunch of parsley, bunch of dill. Boil forever, like 4 hours, then take everything out, strain the soup twice through a fine sieve, squeeze all the juice out of the meat and vegetables, then put the broth in the refrigerator. Today I will remove the solidified fat and eat the soup, which will also be solid from the gelatin in the bones, so I will have to melt it down and add salt.

vic said...

Yes. Skinless horse picture, please. The lady with the fish sounds interesting as well.

Lauren said...

I've never commented before even though I've been reading your blog for quite a while. I've been meaning to comment for a while now because I just have to tell you that your blog is by far the BEST stuff I've ever read. I mean it. The BEST. Remember when you mentioned that one of your professors kinda hit you on the head with a paper you'd written and said, "keep writing"? You said in your blog that you still needed to decode his comment. Well, I know EXACTLY what he meant - You MOVED him. You made him laugh. You probably even made him cry. Your stories are so ALIVE and so PROFOUND - but also very human. You're entertaining and whimsical and meaningful. And REAL. Your writing seems written with such ease, but also such insight. Such thoughtfulness. I know your professor felt these things (and probably lots more...)about your writing because that's exactly how I feel when I read your stuff. So, in the words of your professor, KEEP WRITING. And, oh yeah - post some picture, too! I know some day you're gonna be a famous author and I'll be able to say that I read your stuff before you were famous.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Oh, and FYI - I'm a middle-aged woman from Cleveland, Ohio who reads your blog every day at work.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading for awhile now, and am a big fan.

Any chance of FM putting that horse on eBay or otherwise selling at a distance? Sounds like it could be a great Xmas gift for my wife.

Sadly, not kidding. :)

JoeinVegas said...

I agree with Crabby - random nekkednes is amusing, so feel free to pop one in on us periodically. There are millions on the internets, so whatever you want to put up would be whatever you want to put up.

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