Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas Hoopla? Are You Sure?

I don't do memes. I hate freakin' memes. I don't even know how to pronounce the word because I've never heard anyone say it out loud. I do not approve of memes. I have only done one once in my life to be nice to someone.

I have a bit of a theory as to the popularity of memes. I think people do them because 1. they can't think of stuff to write about, so the meme serves as a little writing exercise to get them thinking and 2. memes make people feel like they're famous, being interviewed like a celebrity.

I imagine very ordinary people doing memes, typing away while envisioning themselves wearing Dior sunglasses and a fur stole with some fembot reporter from Entertainment Tonight desperately hanging on, waiting for the answer to the crucial question - Vanilla or Chocolate????? Which is it?? Come on!!! I need to know which ice cream you prefer!! This is urgent!!

So I don't like memes and I ignore them when I'm tagged, but somehow someone got to me and I felt like being generous and kind, because it's Christmas Dammit! And I didn't want to seem like one of those aloof famous bloggers (ok, yeah I know I'm not famous) who won't answer emails, ahem.

Nicrogers tagged me. Echhhhhh. I considered ignoring this like I ignore all the others, but ehhhnnnnn, it's Christmas dammit and my relatives, at least 75 of them have forwarded me the same stupid Christmas meme in my email already, so I figured I would be kind and generous for once and just do the blasted thing on here so my 75 relatives would leave me alone and so I could be nice to Nic. Ehhhnnnn.

Nic's thing is called a Christmas Hoopla and I was all like, for real? Are you sure it should be called that? I looked up the definition of Hoopla and this is what I found:

"speech or writing intended to mislead or to obscure an issue. "

Umm. Ok. I was supposed to write 12 random facts about me and Christmas, but I have to mislead. I could mislead you by saying that I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!! I AM FULL OF HOLIDAY CHEER!!!

I'm going to stop complaining and just do the thing already.

12 Damned Things About Me and Christmas

1. I have never had eggnog. He has though.

2. For many, many years I refused to even celebrate it at all.

3. I don't dream very much but when I do I have one recurring nightmare that it is Christmas and no one has done anything. No presents, no tree, no food and I have to rush at the last minute on Christmas Eve to try to save Christmas on my own but when I get to the store the shelves are bare and the store is closing. I always wake up with a heavy, awful sadness. I always thought it was about me being a perfectionist but my therapist said it was a dream about being disappointed in other people and on the way home in the car I cried because I can't cry in front of other people, except the time JG made me cry in class by introducing me to the poem "Song" by Bridget Pegeen Kelly.

4. The reason I refused to celebrate Christmas was because of an incident I refer to as "The Jew Bastard Christmas." I wrote it down many years ago when I didn't have enough distance. I think I'll revise it and post it for you guys.

5. A few years ago I went to Millpond without telling Mommom Jewel. I wanted to surprise her for Christmas. I took 2 pink plastic flamingos and went in the middle of the night and put them in her yard with wreaths around their necks and when she woke up she found them out there and didn't know who did it. I kept her in suspense until that night, when I called her from her own doorstep. In the middle of the conversation I knocked on her door and she got all mad because someone was banging on her damned door and she had to get off the phone. But it was me.

6. When my great grandmother Mama Ethel was alive she used to make a goose every Christmas because my Uncle Bull would shoot them. Goose is good. One day I'd like to have Christmases at my house and make a goose too.

7. Last year was the first time that anyone in my family ever wrapped a present. My sister and I were amazed.

8. My favorite carol is the one that goes "GLOR or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or IA"

9. I am obsessed with nativity scenes. I secretly draw them in my notebooks this time of year.

10. When I was little we had this set of encyclopedias from 1960 and under the Christmas entry there was a paragraph with very stereotypical pictures of how Christmas is celebrated around the world. My absolute favorite was Sweden and I would have killed someone, literally killed someone, when I was eight to have worn a wreath with lit candles on top of my head. To this day I adore all things swedish. My husband actually took me on a date to IKEA because I love Sweden so much and I bought all sorts of lingonberry products. Tragically at IKEA they do not sell wreathy candle head dresses. Probably because Amerians would set themselves on fire with such a contraption. Can you even imagine? I would burn Casa dei Sogni to the ground. By the way, guess where I'm finally getting to go next summer? Yup. That's right. Sweden.

11. I met my husband at a Christmas party 5 years ago today.

12. Remind me to tell you about the time I made it snow on Christmas and how Uncle Bull decided we weren't having Christmas dinner so we had a BBQ in the snow, got drunk on Uncle Bull's signature drink the "Who's Your Daddy" and played cards instead. So not Swedish.

13. For Christmas could you all not tag me for anything ever again?

Oh crap, I'm supposed to tag people. My demented brain wanted to tag all Jewish bloggers. I don't want to tag anyone. I know I'm not supposed to do that. I know. But Nic, it is a miracle I did this at all, which shows my devotion to you in and of itself.

Merry Christmas.


Anonymous said...

I always wanted to be Swedish too b/c of that same Encyclopedia entry! How incredibly stereotypical but awesome!

kerry said...

That's fantastic that you'll get to see Sweden! I only got to see it for a couple of days, but the people are very nice, city hall is pretty, and it's a beautiful place.

Joanna said...

I love your blog, but never comment as I can't think of anything as remotely as clever as your writing! But now, I get to nitpick. :) The Swedish girl-with-candle-wreath-in-hair isn't really related to Christmas, but to Lucia-day (the chick with the candles is called St. Lucia), which is celebrated on the 13th of December. By the way, did you know that in Sweden and in Finland too they select a "Lucia-maiden of the year", and it's almost like a beauty pageant?
Happy holidays! :)

Eric said...

Goose I love goose for christmas, but when you get it you have to say in your best tiny tim voice, "This is the biggest goose in all of England".
My wife and I, when we first got married wanted to create a Christmas tradition for ourselves. We decided that Christmas Orphan dinner parties are fun and each year we would go with a different national cusine for the meal. The first was Czarist Russian. Caviar and blinis Lots of Frozen Stolis and the best darned strogonoff I have ever tasted. When she was great with child we did Italian. I still remember her in the kitchen hand rolling cappilinis for 10.
The worst year was Spain. It involved a turkey skined and then deboned with the meant mixed with other meats and truffels and cooked in broth and pressed and served cold. I despised it but the guests seemed to enjoy.
Have a great weekend

Michelle said...

"Meme" is supposed to rhyme with "cream", and doesn't mean "email forward" but instead is defined as a theoretical unit of cultural information that propagates from one organism to another and evolves by natural selection through the processes of variation, mutation, competition and inheritance. These memes, or ideas, will propagate less successfully and become extinct, while others survive and spread. Examples of memes include beliefs, fashions, tunes, catch-phrases, even ways of making clay pots. Much more than you ever wanted to know is here.

nicrogers said...

Love ya! Thanks for not breaking the freaking hoopla chain. I mean, what would christmas hoopla be without you? Nothing I tell you. Nothing at all. SO thank you! And I promise you I will never tag you again.:)

BeerPup said...

In Sweden, on Christmas, they form a line and do the Swedish version of the bunny hop around the tree. It's all very lovely and pagan. Most of Sweden is very lovely and pagan.

EvylFashionista said...

#8 - The carol is "Angels We Have Heard on High". I love that one too because you can really go nuts with the "Gloria" part. :-)

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