Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Time Gabby Thought She Was Pregnant

Gabby and Andre Lefkowitz, her sleazy divorce attorney, were in Monte Carlo for much of the summer so I didn't see them for a long time and then finally my sister, who is a bartender, saw Gabby and Andre last week while I was in California {this happened about a year or so ago}. Gabby was alone at the bar for 15 minutes last Friday, while Andre made a phone call, and although it was very busy, she managed to fill my sister in on many intimate details of her life.

"How you think I look?" Gabby asked my sister, who lied and said "fine."

"I look good! See, three mens already looking at me and Andre only gone two minute! Andre, he think I look crazy."

At that moment the other bartender brought Gabby a bottle of Dom Perignon courtesty of one of the "three mens" who was looking at her. It was true. Wherever Gabby goes, the "mens" are falling over themselves. Gabby explained that before they went to Monte Carlo that she had gotten her hoo-ha tightening surgery and decided to upgrade her boobs while she was at it. She got her already cantalope sized breast implants, changed out for now, watermelon sized ones. This would have been her fourth breast augmentation.

"Andre and me go to Monte Carlo and he tell me, he don't like them! I say he crazy, he say they too big! How tits can be too big? What he is talking 'bout? Andre say they make me look like pole dancer, that son of a mother. How he can say that to me? We get in big, big fight. I say fuck you Andre, no buceta for you no more. I going back to Basura."

My sister was busy filling orders for about twenty martinis (urine free), but she kept listening for my sake.

"I get home and he stay in Monte Carlo. He dont even call me! Believe this? No call. I say fuck you more. Somebody else get buceta."

Then Gabby went and had fun for the next few weeks until Andre came home. After he got home, he apologized profusely and bought her a new mercedes convertible, so she promptly went back to the cosmetic surgeon and had the watermleon sized breast implants removed and replaced with the cantalope sized ones again. This girl is willing to make a bloody patchwork quilt out of her twenty-something year old body, and to risk her life with multiple anethesias, all based on the whims of men who buy her things. And Andre said she looked like a pole dancer with the watermelon sized breasts, but honestly, she looked like a pole dancer before. She has never looked like anything other than a pole dancer or a street walker. Obviously, Andre must be blind or something. My god. The whole story is absurd and grotesque.But that's not all!

I haven't even gotten to the part where Gabby called me after lunch today!

"This emergency. I need you tell me day I get new car. I need to know day exactly. Remember I see when I get new car? You smart, you have to remember for me," Gabby said.

I told Gabby I didnt remember, but I thought it was the last week of August maybe.

"Oh no. I have to know. I need you try hard. I have to have exact day."

I tried to rack my memory and as usual Gabriella became an open book.

"Ok, it was the second week of August I'm pretty sure because I was out of school," I finally said.

"Thank Jesus you tell me this. I find out I having baby and I think maybe Andre's. Doctor say I about six week pregnant. I say, if six week, when I get the car? Andre get buceta when I get the car. Before that, Andre in Monte Carlo still and I meet this guy, Italian. He got six Ferrari. He make Andre look like trash man."

What she was trying to say, I think, was that she was six weeks pregnant and couldnt remember who she had slept with six weeks ago. If she had gotten the car less than six weeks ago, the baby was not Andre's. If she had gotten the car six weeks ago, it could be his. In any event, she totally confused me and the date she got the car is very important in determining the father of her unborn child because she didnt sleep with Andre until she got her car because they were in a fight over the size of her breast implants. If she got pregnant before she got the car, the father was the Italian with all the Ferraris. If she got pregnant after she got the car there was a better chance of it being Andre's. My head was spinning. Can you all get this straight, because I sure can't. So Gabby is pregnant and doesn't know who the dad is and she is trying to figure it all out. In any event, she sounded thrilled because a baby means that she will have no immigration problems and can not be deported back to Brasil, or so she believes. I don't know anything about immigration law.

UPDATE: It's a little over a year since this happened and Gabby's pregnancy did not pan out and no one ever heard of it again. It could have been drama. She could have gotten an abortion. Maybe she was making it all up for attention. I don't know. All I know is that she traded in the old Bentley and the Mercedes and while she was broken up with Andre for all of five minutes this week, that Abe helped her get a new Bentley, but then she went back with Andre. Andre has still not procured the 5 carat diamond and I have a feeling, being the slick divorce attorney that he is, he knows better than to do that.


Anonymous said...

I really wish you'd draw a picture of this ...erm... "lady." I would love to have a visual.

MP said...

WHEW..that wore me out! :-)
What a piece of work!

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