Monday, November 19, 2007

Thanksgiving Week Begins

I interrupt this story briefly to let you all know that it is officially Thanksgiving Week, and thus for the rest of the week all posts will be dedicated to the holiday and all it encompasses. I will finish the story next week when Thanksgiving is over.

If you think this means that we're all going to sit around feeling the warm glow from a crackling fire while sipping mulled cider and sharing all the beautiful and delightful things for which we are eternally grateful, then you are in the wrong place and should go read a Mommy Blog or the blog written by a Born Again Christian pre-school teacher who also writes self help books in her spare time that she has when she is done converting heathen Catholic children in South America. Because while I confess to having my self-helpy moments, these moments are generally obsolete during the holidays when I become an even bigger asshole than I usually am. Mostly this happens from a combination of horrendous food and freak overload. Too many recovering addicts and an excess of cream of mushroom soup makes me irritable. Sometime around noon tomorrow the first of the freaks that want to spend Thanksgiving at my parents' house will make their first appearance. Then the "small, family only" Thanksgiving of our dreams will turn into a major event, the phone will ring constantly at Casa dei Sogni with people wanting to bring someone and I will decide it's best to make three chocolate cream pies because remember what happened last year when I was mad because I didn't get a piece and wanted to stab someone with a fork over it. I sulked all through Black Friday because I really had wanted a piece of chocolate cream pie.

I thought before this all gets underway that I would share the current guest list, although this is subject to change, because when I start with the tales from Thanksgiving dinner, you will need to know who is who.

Casa dei Sogni Official Thanksgiving Guest List 2007
Me -Y'all already know more about me than most of my friends.
My Husband - Turkey fryer extraordinaire. My husband is obsessed with frying turkeys and he always fries way too many, which I believe has something to do with making himself very busy with something dangerous and important looking for long periods of time so that he does not have to interact with any of the guests. His turkey frying makes me very nervous because of all the horrifying videos you see this time of year in which entire homes become engulfed in flames within the span of 3 seconds because some idiot put too much oil in and it boiled over. I imagine awful scenarios in which my husband ends up looking like the English Patient and all for a cajun spice injected turkey.
My Sister - Perhaps the one person on the planet who hates our Thanksgiving more than me, my sister has this year perfected her pumpkin pie martini technique (this year without urine!) and will also be bringing a pumpkin cake roll. Her first trial run on the cake roll was quite successful. The recipe can be found on the back of a can of pumpkin.
Aunt Kiki - My mother's younger sister who will, as usual, miss Thanksgiving dinner due to a combination of pills purchased on the Internet and the aforementioned pumpkin pie martini, which she will likely drink without the cream, pumpkin, schnapps and cinnamon, leaving only straight vodka. We'll be sure to lock up the mouthwash, vanilla extract and hair spray as well.
Aunt Kiki's Husband - How this normal man puts up with his wife no one will ever know. Normally on holidays he tries to round us all up for an impromptu intervention, I mean, since everyone's there already anyway, we may as well. Did I also mention that he is a little person and that he is also a convicted murderer? Because he is. He is also not the father of any of her daughters.
Fallon - Aunt Kiki's second oldest daughter who was born during Aunt Kiki's Dynasty era. Fallon is pretty, bulimic, 21 and a stripper, although she claims to be a cocktail waitess. Aunt Kiki found her six inch lucite heels and spandex dress with velcro closures, so what else could that mean? It means that clear shoes match every outfit, that's what it means. Dammit.
Hunter - Aunt Kiki's third daughter and born during the "Bold and the Beautiful" period. Hunter is goth in a bad way, has a veritable buffet of personality and mood disorders and will probably actually kill the entire family at some point. If you see the headlines "Family Slain at Thanksgiving Dinner in Florida" it will be my family and it will be Hunter who murdered us all. She has been arrested numerous time, Baker Acted even more times, possibly pregnant at certain points, and was found hiding a loaded gun in her bedroom. Hunter is 15. She also steals things, so you have to keep your pursed locked in the car with the car alarm on if she's around.
Brooke Lynn - Aunt Kiki's youngest. Brooke Lynn is 13 and a pedophile's dream. At this moment I guarantee you there are hundreds of men jerking off to her MySpace page. Brooke Lynn dresses exactly like a hooker, cusses like a trucker and you know what, I don't want to know what else she does. Aunt Kiki thinks her youngest child is glamorous and beautiful. I think she's trying to get a fake id so that she can star in x-rated films before she's 18.
Mini-T - My adopted black brother who pimps out cars for a living. He is famed for installing plexi-glass Hennessy holders inside of SUVs. Once he even had the brilliant idea to install a spice grinder in the glove box of an Escalade to make it easier and more convenient to separate buds while driving. Mini-T will probably not bring his child or his 18 year old baby mama with whom he is currently not in a relationship, though by next week that could change.
Villa-Jo Quinn - Mini-T's real mom. Villa -Jo hails from Phenix City, AL, a city where the population is so uneducated that they cannot spell the name of their own town correctly. Villa-Jo has 8 children by 8 different men and ran a prostitution ring in Atlanta during the 1996 Olympics which allegedy serviced the Russian wrestling team. Villa-Jo also ran a shoplifting operation where she hired several extremely large young ladies to steal electronics in big box stores by umm, hiding them between their thighs a bit close to their own big boxes. Apparently the sensors don't go off because they can't penetrate the thick layers of thigh. Evil-Ex used to buy some of these hot electronics back in the day and I have always suspected that Villa-Jo had something to do with hooking Evil-Ex up with his Baby Mama, but I have never found conclusive proof and merely circumstantial evidence. In spite of her flaws, I rather like Villa-Jo, who looks just like Josephine Baker and makes the most sublime sweet potato pies I have ever tasted. Villa-Jo often shows up unannounced, so I imagine that she'll pull up in her car around 5am Thursday morning. We know she's here because she always carries her green parrot Lucille with her and Lucille has a swearing problem, so in the half light of a new dawn, when I hear the shrill shrieks of "MUTHAFUCKA POOPUT BITCH ASS HO!!" I will know to go open the front door.
The Rockin' Rabbi - He used to be 500 pounds and is now 300. The RR sings opera, is Orthodox, though very UN-orthodox, and drives a motorcycle with a Hamsa on the front of it. He looks exactly like Hagrid. He doesn't eat turkey because it isn't kosher.
One Hit Wonder - Yes, you know the song. They played it at your cousin's wedding, your nephew's bar mitzvah and on every cruise that leaves this port. It's on commercials and cheezy people start singing it whenever they can. One Hit loves my parents because they make him feel loved and make him feel encouraged since he lost all of his money to a corrupt manager.
Howie Lipshitz - Howie is my dad's best friend and was the first person my father met when he moved to America. Howie is Jewish in the exteme. Nothing about this man is remotely gentile and he is allergic to everything so he doesn't eat either. He is recently divorced and was on a J-Date rampage until he met a beautiful New York lawyer. Howie reminds me of Eugene Levy, and he could easily be a character in a Christopher Guest film.
Jeannie Lee - Jeannie Lee is my godmother and the nicest person in the whole world, bar none. She was my mother's childhood best friend from Millpond. Jeannie Lee came down here in the 70s and got hung up with a Colombian drug lord who left her alone and penniless when he faked his own death. Jeannie Lee became a heroin addict stripper and was rescued by missionaries when they found her passed out naked on a church lawn. They took her to West Virginia and brainwashed her. She came back here, got a degree, is working on a masters, and is a social worker. She loves Jesus very much and I am 100% positive that Jesus loves her back.
Aunt Kyle - He got his own post. Scroll down.
My Cousin Stu - I love my cousin Stu so much that I could squeeze his head and bite off one of his ears. Stu and I are a month apart and have the same nose. He looks just like Joaquin Phoenix. Our grandmothers back in Millpond are sisters, but he lives down here now and is into glass blowing, installing alarms and Jam bands. He's one of those people that follows Widespread Panic and several other similar bands who play 3 1/2 hour long songs that I've never heard of. Before I had a husband Stu fixed things in my apartment that broke and everyone in my building was convinced that we were having sex and I was all like "We are NOT from West Virginia just because we have southern accents, GAWD!" I don't do it with my cousins, but if I were going to, I guess out of all my 389 relatives, I'd have to choose Stu. Eww. That's not even funny. Yuck. And besides, Stu is the paramour of my sister's best friend Adelaide, who I love as much as I love Stu, and together they dance to Goverment Mule and The String Cheese Incident.
Abe Kirschner - Long time readers may remember my stories of Abe and his women. First his ex-wife the brazilian gold digger Gabriella, and then the lunatic meth head Tanna who ended up in jail in Kentucky and who swore a bunch of mexicans who ran a taco stand as a front for a prostitution ring were going to kill her. Abe is, thank god, currently single and we love him to death. We'd love to set him up with Jeannie Lee, but alas, she is not 20 and jacked full of silicone and she wouldn't abuse him and spend all his money. Did I mention Abe was in his 60s? He likes 'em young and greedy.
Gabriella Kirschner - Abe's ex-wife often sees fit to come to holiday celebrations half naked and unannounced because she loves to create tense and awkward situations with her ex-husband, although she lives with her divorce lawyer who is a gazillionaire because he handles every high profile divorce in the area. He bought her a Bentley. He should buy her some clothes because Gabriella looks like she gets fashion advice from Lil Kim. Pasties? Of course they count as a shirt. As long as most of your nipple is covered you are wearing a shirt. And yes, thongs are indeed pants. Especially when they are leopard print.
That's it for now. As more guests are confirmed. I will add to the list. Please enjoy the madness, dear readers.


Subservient No More said...

The spacing is screwed up again. I can't fix it. I am not happy about this.

Joy said...

Yes! Now I really, really wish I was coming to your house for Thanksgiving! I look forward to hearing about the whole event. :)

Anonymous said...

Is that Gabriella of the little Gabby cosmetic surgery story? The one who refers to her genitalia using feminine pronouns?

Maya said...

I am enjoying your holidays already!

Subservient No More said...

Yes that's her.

Pashmina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sauntering Soul said...

My Thanksgiving is going to blow compared to yours.

Anonymous said...

Wow, thinking I should buy a ticket to your neck of the woods just for fun and drop in for some "deep fried turkey"(this must be an American thing, we bake our turkeys up here in Canada) That is quite the cast of folks! Can't wait to hear more!

luvpumpkns said...

Just to let you know, the spelling is Phenix City. I always hoped the town wasn't named for the city in AZ. My uncle, who is the mayor, informs me that it isn't.

Sorry to be a butt. I had to stick up for my home town, you know.

Subservient No More said...

Sorry Luvpumpkins, I'll fix it. I knew it was spelled WRONG nevertheless. How funny is that that I go and make fun of somewhere and one of my readers' uncles is the mayor. Lord.

Isn't it the teen pregnancy capital of the US?

Do you know Villa-Jo and her parrot?

Miriam said...

Ahem...pumpkin pie martini? Do tell.

Pat said...

Tell little Brooke Lynn that she's not the only one.

My hubby is an OB-GYN and recently delivered a little girl, whose gang- ho transplanted New Yorker Dad named Brooke Lynn.

Ya gotta love it!


Michelle said...

My head exploded round about Aunt Kiki's Husband, and my charred body toppled out of my chair and began to twitch violently at Villa-Jo Quinn.

NicoleinAZ said...

Abe Kirschner! I'm so happy to see some names from the past. Sometimes I wish you had left the old stories up so I could go back and read them.

HOWEVER, with that said...truth is stranger than fiction. I'm excited for your guest list and look forward to many stories of tomorrow's activities.

I adore your stories and wish you the happiest of Thanksgiving holidays!

Your friend in Arizona.

beatgrl said...

I'm curious about "One Hit Wonder." What decade is his song from? It's not "Puttin' on the Ritz" is it?

luvpumpkns said...

No, I do not know them, but I wish I did! She sounds like a riot.

As for the teen pregnancy thing, I am not sure about that stat, but knowing the area, it sounds about right.

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