Monday, November 12, 2007

Some Very Good Advice

I had a whole day off today in which I decided to do very little except go get my Flumist vaccine. Now the Flumist is much safer (no mercury) and much more effective than the shot, but the downside is that it contains live viruses, unlike the shot, so it makes you feel a little sick and icky. Since I feel icky I want to watch TV and read books and eat french fries and I do not feel like writing a big long story, I am going to grace you, my Dear Readers, with some of the best words of advice that I have received over the years, in hopes that you can use some of it to better your lives.

1. If you want someone to think you're a good cook, fry them something in butter. My great grandmother Geraldine gave this advice to my mother, who then gave it to me. Try not to follow this advice every single day though or you might end up dead a lot sooner than you would have. It's for special occasions. I particularly like breaded chicken cutlets fried in a butter/ oil combo. This is a good cooking for your date for the first time, kind of a meal.

2. Never leave the house without lipstick. I don't exactly follow this one all the time, but when I don't I hear my mother's voice echoing in my head, and on some level, she's kinda right. If you just wear a little lipstick you instantly look a little brighter and a little better and like you put some effort into yourself. Plus, you know you always see someone you know when you go out looking a sight. I do anyway, so now I always keep a Burt's Bees tinted chapstick with me, which I feel counts as lipstick.

3. If someone gives you a compliment or some money don't do a single other thing than smile politely, accept it and thank the person sincerely. That's it. Don't try to talk them out of the compliment, don't refuse the money, don't give it back and don't get all low self esteem and start acting like you don't deserve money and compliments. If you don't have the sense to take money when it's being handed to you then you are about as bad as those turkeys that drown themselves by staring open mouthed at the sky when it rains.

4. Beef heart is only 35 cents and if you slice it up and throw it in a stir-fry you can tell everyone it's filet mignon and nobody'll ever know the difference. Ok. No. This is really bad advice. Terrible advice. This is exactly why I am petrified to eat anything at my grandmother Memere Marie's house that I don't watch her make. Because I am not about to be fooled by a beef heart masquerading as filet mignon. Ewww. So I think I might change this bit of advice to - Don't try to trick people into eating offal by telling them it's something better. That's just mean.


Moi said...

My ye olde english nan would always make pie and tell me it was plain steak. I would break the crust and immediately get a whiff of stinkin kidney! Strange thing is, every time she made it and told me it was steak, I would believe her. Awful blerrie offal...

But I agree with the lipstick thing - it definitely makes you feel better!

staticwarp said...

i'd rather her tell me it was beef heart. then i'd go for seconds! i love wierd food. does beef heart really qualify as offal? and where the hell do you get beef heart, anyway?

Anonymous said...

I loveyour advice! When my friends daughter was in cosmetology school I would go to her for a haircut. I would pay her $20.00 and she would protest. I gave her the same advice that you give: just smile and say "thank you". I love the reference to the turkeys drowning themselves and wish I had thought of it! But that's what makes you.... you!

Hilary said...

Offal sounds awful.

Whiskeymarie said...

Two things:
* Beef heart tastes pretty much like beef heart, not filet mignon, and it is way more scary, in my opinion.
* I can't believe I didn't say Happy Birthday. I am a cad.
Happy Belated birthday, my monkey-loving, not-scary doppelganger!

Sadi said...

Just a little lipstick and a pair of sunglasses, and you'll feel like a movie star when you leave the house!

A Margarita said...

lol, I have to try that fried breaded cutlet idea.

My mother always said the same thing about the lipstick but she thought you should never leave the house without full makeup on. Lipstick is a good shortcut.

I read somewhere that wearing makeup decreases the elasticity of your skin. I don't know if this is true, but if it is, you wear makeup to look younger, decrease elasticity and in effect look older, and then you wear more makeup as you age to cover the signs of aging, all the while making your skin age. It's a vicious cycle.

MP said...

You know that is why we go to resturants and oo and ah over how good it is...and why can't we make it like that at home..It's cause they fry things in butter!! And use real cream..and things like that.
I want chicken fried in butter and oil..lightly breaded w/ melted cheese..Yum...

Subservient No More said...

That's exactly why. I want that too, but I don't put cheese on it. I usually just squirt lemon juice on it which seems to cut the butteriness and create a nice balanced taste.

Subservient No More said...

Static - apparently my grandmother gets the beef heart from the grocery store meat department but she has to ask for it and its really cheap.

If you are into weird food, read Daily Cocaine. He eats some terrifying things.

And yeah, organ meat is offal.

Speaking of offal, its like the cool thing in the culinary world at the moment. That guy from the New Yorker, what the hell is his name, wrote that book about butchering a pig in Italy. It's good. You'd like it, and maybe you could remember the name.

Subservient No More said...

Margarita, you're right about that. I never wear makeup on my face and I just use moisturizer and benetint rose petal juice blush with my Burts Bees chapstick and I'm good. I had my makeup prof. done for the wedding I went to in Sept. and my face felt all dry and tight and wrinkly and I felt like I looked older and more masculine strangely.

nandy said...

I've found that you don't really have to cook the food in butter the whole time. Use your regular no-trans fat oil (like canola or olive), and just add a small amount of butter at the end so it melts on the food.

TA-DA! Buttery taste without all the bad stuff.

Leonesse said...

mmmm, butter.

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