Thursday, November 01, 2007

Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey Kick Some Serious Ass

I come from a long line of ass kicking women. On both sides of my biology the women related to me have created a proud and varied tradition of ass kicking, which thrills me to be a part of. Many of these women have also been kind of slutty, which sometimes goes along with ass kickingness, so we will forgive them their "affectionate and generous" natures.

The oldest account of ass kicking we have in my family comes from Memere Marie (my mother's mother) 's great aunt who had some ridiculously long Catholic saint kind of name that I can't remember. Back in the 1910s this aunt was somehow forced against her will into the highly oppressive life of a Carmelite nun. She was cloistered away and made to take a vow of silence in some terribly cold, grey convent outside of Montreal where no one ever spoke. Somehow, without ever uttering a single word and breaking her vow of silence, the aunt managed to seduce a priest and get him to run off with her. Together they scaled the convent's walls, ex-communicating themselves from the church forever, eventually settling down, becoming teachers and having many children.

Memere Marie's mother, my great grandmother Geraldine Marguerite grew up to be a plus-sized prostitute. She had three children, a brief husband who burned down her house, and very big boobs. As a prostitute in the 1920s and 30s you can well imagine that she was not well received by society at all. In a brothel she met a man named Henry who owned a junkyard and Henry fell madly in love with her. Henry carried her away to live thousands of miles South at his junkyard in Millpond. She lived there happily ever after where she fried things in butter and set the events in motion which would cause me to be born in a trailer near a pine forest two generations later.

After the terrible house fire, Geraldine Marguerite's children were all sent away to orphanages. Memere Marie, then a little girl, was adopted by her aunt and uncle in a town in upstate New York. She went to mass every single day and ice skated on the Saint Lawrence River all winter. When she was 18, Memere Marie was crowned the Ice Pageant Princessof 1951. On that day she decided that if she was Ice Pageant Princess then she had the power to make whatever she wanted of her life. She wanted to find her mother and confront her. Memere Marie's aunt and uncle strongly advised against this course of action because often when a child is removed from her parent, there is a very good reason. They believed that when one goes looking for things like this, that one is usually very unhappy with what one finds. Memere did not listen and off she went alone on a bus to Millpond where she met her mother and stepfather living in a junkyard with a bunch of mangy dogs and frying things in butter for three meals a day. She was indeed, very unhappy with what she found, except for one thing.

Living above the junkyard was a handsome young man who had just returned from Korea. A few months later they got married and three years later they had my mother, though there is much debate about this because Memere ran back to New York after a very bad fight, allegedly spent time in the company of opera singer Mario Lanza and came back pregnant with my mother.

On the other side of my biology we have the aforementioned Aunt Janey, as well as Mommom Jewel. When I was little I lived with Mommom Jewel for many years and in this time she passed down her ass kickingness to me. Mommom Jewel is mouthy and opinionated and doesn't take crap from anyone. She is a farm girl from a family of twelve who got married when she was 18 and pregnant with twins, in a pair of red alligator strappy sandals and a red and white polka dotted dress. She has always done exactly as she has pleased and once for an entire year she refused to speak to my grandfather and no one has ever found out what started or ended it.

After Aunt Janey divorced her Navy man and came back from Italy she moved in with Mommom Jewel and Pop Byron, who were speaking again, thank the Lord. She started work hostessing at the Buttered Biscuit where she took an immense pride that no one in the family has quite understood, in her ability to spotlessly clean the pie case. This combined with her tractor driving earned Aunt Janey enough money to buy herself a brand new, champagne colored Nissan (it didn't come in pink). Aunt Janey took even more pride in her Nissan than she did in cleaning the pie case. She took so much pride in the Nissan that she actually put a real trash can in it that had real trash bags and she didn't park it under the oak tree in the front yard because birds would sit in the tree and poop down on her car's hood.

Aunt Janey got her new Nissan in late October. Around the same time Mommom Jewel, who has always completely redecorated her house for every holiday, was coming up with her latest Halloween decorating scheme. Mommom Jewel is a tad OCD, and went to Elmer's Pumpkin Patch, where she was crowned Elmer's Pumpkin Queen 1950 (I have a lot of beauty queens in my lineage), to choose a perfect pair of identically matching pumpkins to grace her front porch. It took her almost 3 hours.

A few mornings later Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey discovered, just after stirring themselves a cup of International Foods Irish Cream coffee, that someone had not only smashed the perfect pumpkins, but had also egged Aunt Janey's new car. I'm sure you can imagine how deeply and profoundly upset these two were and it took them forever to clean up the mess of pumpkin innards strewn all over the street as well as the dried egg all over the Nissan. It took so long that Aunt Janey was too tired to adequately clean the pie case that night.

The next morning they awoke to more egg all over the car and the two sisters got to discussing a list of possible culprits.

In the past few years Dot Street, which had once been a quiet neighborhood of middle class, average people on the outskirts of Millpond, had really started going downhill and was turning into a haven for white trash. Aunt Janey and Mommom Jewel could trace it all back to when Lyman Slattery won $100,000 in the lottery. Lyman had worked at the chicken plant and lived on Dot Street with his wife and their children, who were my age and a little older and who were horrible. Mommom and Aunt Janey blame the lottery winning, but I can attest that these children were vile even beforehand. Once a mess of them (there seemed to be at least seventeen Slatterys) locked me in the shed. When Lyman won the lottery he got an above ground pool and quit his job at the chicken plant because he imagined that $100,000 would go much further than it did. Thinking he was rich as all get out, Lyman left his wife Arlene and ran off with some young thing who was still in high school. Arlene let the seventeen or so kids run wild and by and by all the girls got pregnant, one married a Puerto Rican (gasp!!) and half of the boys ended up in jail. The Slattery girls, including the one who married the Puerto Rican, all ended up renting the houses on Dot Street that had been vacated when the original generation of Dot Street residents started passing on. They drank and caroused, went through men, restraining orders and through it all they had more and more kids. Mommom and Aunt Janey will blame this on their father's leaving them, but whatever the reason, the Slattery girls did not take very good care of their children and the children grew to be unruly, rotten teenagers who Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey were certain did the egging and pumpkin smashing.

Together, and very politely they visited the home of Linsey Slattery and Brandi Slattery (who was married to the Puerto Rican, but now divorced or at least separated for a long time). The two sisters, being short on cash had decided to move in together. Between them they had, and I am not kidding you, seven boys. Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey expressed their concerns for the seven boys and explained that they believed that some of those seven boys had been vandalizing their home. Linsey and Brandi threw a fit and denied that their perfect children would ever, ever do such a thing.

Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey decided to set up a sting operation.

Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey on the night before Halloween (Mischief Night) set out two new pumpkins (but not nice matching ones this time because that was just too painful) and then dressed themselves in all black, borrowing two of Pop Byron's ski masks. They waited in the bushes and before long here came the boys to smash the pumpkins. There were four of them and they were indeed the Slattery cousins. Just as they threw the first eggs, Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey who were 65 and 70 years old respectably, came flying out of the bushes after them.

The hoodlums took off down the road with the two old ladies chasing them as fast as they could. The boys were obviously faster and disappeared.

On Halloween, Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey awoke to find that they had again been egged. They again went to Linsey and Brandi to explain that they saw their boys vandalizing the house and car. Linsey and Brandi called Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey two old bitches and said they were so old they probably couldn't even see.

Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey said they'd see about that.

On Halloween night they dressed up and hid in the bushes again. This time when the boys showed up Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey took off after them again, throwing eggs and an assortment of rotten vegetables from the compost pile, at the boys. Aunt Janey caught up with one, wrestled him down and stole his egg carton from him and proceeded to smash every single one of them on his head. The boys got away and Aunt Janey and Mommom Jewel went home but decided they still weren't satisfied. A little while later they went back and egged both Linsey's Firebird and Brandi's El Camino, and they toilet papered the whole front yard. Then they went home and went to bed.

An hour later a police car pulled up in front of the house and a loud rap at the door got Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey out of bed.

"I got a call that you all assaulted some teenagers," said the police officer.

Aunt Janey and Mommom Jewel looked like very innocent old ladies in their curlers and housecoats.

"Us?" they asked.

The policeman was ashamed for even asking.

"I know it's crazy but they're swearing up and down that you two knocked down and egged some boys and then went and vandalized their house."

The two old ladies laughed as feebly as they could.

"I got arthritis so bad," Mommom Jewel said.

"I couldn't even hardly get up outta bed much less vandalize nothin'," Aunt Janey replied.

"I am so sorry. I know. It's the silliest thing I ever heard. It's Halloween, it was probably some other kids. I apologize for waking you ladies up."

The police man left and Mommom Jewel and Aunt Janey went to the kitchen, made two fresh cups of International Foods Irish Cream Coffee and had a good, deep and very satisfying laugh.

No one ever egged their house or smashed their pumpkins ever again.

And that, dear readers, is a lesson in kicking ass well into your senior years.


saintseester said...

I loved it! Loved the policeman at the end - that had to be hilarious.

Laurie said...

that story kicked a$$! thanks!!



Anonymous said...

Just awesome!!! I love it.

Anonymous said...

One of your finest thrillers.

; )

~another Anonymous Reader

Pumpkin said...

That has to be, by far the coolest thing I have ever heard of and it serves the wee Nissan-egging buggers right, getting a good ass-whupping from those 2 ladies.
Damn lass, you really do have a family that blows my mind!!!
ps, I want to help out the challenge, but being in Europe and having no credit card (they are dangerous things), I don't know how I can....any ideas?

A Margarita said...

Haha! I wish I could have seen them in action. Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Oh god my loud mouth scottish clan would be so proud to have them in the family... what a great story!!!!

Anonymous said...

That was some beautiful senior justice! Good for them!
Nancy in CT

Anonymous said...

I love that story - are you saying that you have committed to a blog a day for a month? Yeah, us!

Kristine said...

Love it!! I can only hope to be so awesome when I'm in my 60s and 70s.

Anonymous said...

One of your best adventure tales.

And I LOVE your whimsical ability to create names for people places and things - like the Buttered Biscuit.

Unknown said...

Dang, your family history is unbelievable! I mean, I believe it and all. I just mean 'unbelievable' in the sense that it makes me think 'no way they did that!!!' But so awesome for them. What a legacy.

I've probably mentioned this before, but your writing reminds me a lot of some of things I've read by Jimmy Buffett. If you haven't read it, I'd recommend Tales From Margaritaville. I think you'd like it. There's a bunch of short stories that all interweave, and a lot of them take place in the south.

Anonymous said...

Aha ha ha! wonderful!

Anonymous said...

That was delicious!

P.S. I hope your surviving the Cone of Death!


Anonymous said...

I love the women in your family!

MP said...

i LOVE your family...they rock! I get so excited when I see you posted a "story"..I save you til I have time to be uninterrupted :-)

GoingWiddershins said...

That was awesome!

About Me

Blog Archive