Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Kisses $500,000
10:55 PM | 
Posted by
Wide Lawns |
Some of you may remember that I was born with a caul, which is supposed to mean that I have magical powers, and for most of my life I've been trying to tap into those supposed magical powers to see what I could do. I kind of always imagined that my magical powers should take the form of telekinesis. I'd really like to have telekinesis. This is partly because when I was ten I read The Girl With the Silver Eyes and partly because I'm lazy and telekinesis would enable me to pretty much run the entire world without having to get up out of bed. After I saw Firestarter and Carrie I wanted pyrokinesis, but thank God I didn't get that power or well, let's not even think about what sorts of damage I would have done. I have a bad temper sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I had the power to make food appear because most of the time I want something and I'll stand in front of the refrigerator and there won't be anything to eat except a bunch of ingredients for things I'd have to cook. The rest of the time I can't decide what to cook or where to get take out from and if someone wants to go out I'll spend an hour in the round robin of "where do you want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you feel like?" "I don't care either." Then all the restaurants close and we have to make peanutbutter on crackers.
So tonight I had a long conversation with a dear old friend of mine who just returned from being on tour in his pretty famous band and he was telling me about filming things and interviews and all that glamorous rock star life kinda stuff and suddenly it occurred to me and I knew what my magical power was.
Everyone I kiss becomes wildly successful on their chosen path. Obviously this is not a coincidence because all the people I've kissed have been very different from one another. I mean, it'd be one thing if all the people I kissed were at Yale Medical School or something (that was only one of them) because you'd expect them to be successful, kiss or not. But no. These people are vastly different and all of them are wildly successful. I've sat here trying to think if I've kissed someone who ended up a loser and I couldn't come up with one. I've definitely kissed people who were losers at the time, but they went on to be wild successes too. So what are the odds of this? I mean, they'd have to be ridiculous, so logic dictates that since the one thing all these people have in common is having kissed me, then my kisses are the obvious cause of success. Right? Of course.
People I have kissed include but are not limited to: award winning poets, published authors, famous artists, hedge fund managers, pretty famous rock stars, people who have had speaking roles in movies, people who have directed movies, people who have written and sold movies, doctors who ended up in the news because they saved a police man shot in the line of duty, and the list can just go on and on. I would also like to take credit for Marilyn Manson's success because although I did not kiss him, I did in fact kiss NEAR him. Additionally I kissed NEAR Kiran Desai at Bennington, who won the Man Booker prize in 2006 and has me to thank for it. I also kissed the ex-boyfriend of Kevin Smith's wife and my friend Angelina was best friends, growing up, with Adam Sandler's wife and I have not kissed Angelina either, but have kissed NEAR her numerous times, so Adam Sandler's and Kevin Smith's wife also have me to thank very indirectly for their incredible luck in marriage. So see, the power of my kisses is like an aura which spreads. You can even be successful from being two or three degrees of separation from my kisses.
Because of my magical kissing powers I think I will set up a kissing booth. People who wish to be wildly successful can pay to come and kiss me, but since I am married and my dear Husband would not approve, I will have to charge $500,000 per kiss. It would be an investment in your future.
Alas, I'm just kidding. My kisses are closed. There's no chance of anyone ever kissing me again. I think this means my husband will be the next Warren Buffet if he can harness all this power.
And by the way, if you are reading this and have kissed me before, you know I'm right. If you've kissed me and have not experienced wild success then please know that your time is probably coming and if it doesn't, I have a no refund policy.
Sometimes I wish I had the power to make food appear because most of the time I want something and I'll stand in front of the refrigerator and there won't be anything to eat except a bunch of ingredients for things I'd have to cook. The rest of the time I can't decide what to cook or where to get take out from and if someone wants to go out I'll spend an hour in the round robin of "where do you want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you feel like?" "I don't care either." Then all the restaurants close and we have to make peanutbutter on crackers.
So tonight I had a long conversation with a dear old friend of mine who just returned from being on tour in his pretty famous band and he was telling me about filming things and interviews and all that glamorous rock star life kinda stuff and suddenly it occurred to me and I knew what my magical power was.
Everyone I kiss becomes wildly successful on their chosen path. Obviously this is not a coincidence because all the people I've kissed have been very different from one another. I mean, it'd be one thing if all the people I kissed were at Yale Medical School or something (that was only one of them) because you'd expect them to be successful, kiss or not. But no. These people are vastly different and all of them are wildly successful. I've sat here trying to think if I've kissed someone who ended up a loser and I couldn't come up with one. I've definitely kissed people who were losers at the time, but they went on to be wild successes too. So what are the odds of this? I mean, they'd have to be ridiculous, so logic dictates that since the one thing all these people have in common is having kissed me, then my kisses are the obvious cause of success. Right? Of course.
People I have kissed include but are not limited to: award winning poets, published authors, famous artists, hedge fund managers, pretty famous rock stars, people who have had speaking roles in movies, people who have directed movies, people who have written and sold movies, doctors who ended up in the news because they saved a police man shot in the line of duty, and the list can just go on and on. I would also like to take credit for Marilyn Manson's success because although I did not kiss him, I did in fact kiss NEAR him. Additionally I kissed NEAR Kiran Desai at Bennington, who won the Man Booker prize in 2006 and has me to thank for it. I also kissed the ex-boyfriend of Kevin Smith's wife and my friend Angelina was best friends, growing up, with Adam Sandler's wife and I have not kissed Angelina either, but have kissed NEAR her numerous times, so Adam Sandler's and Kevin Smith's wife also have me to thank very indirectly for their incredible luck in marriage. So see, the power of my kisses is like an aura which spreads. You can even be successful from being two or three degrees of separation from my kisses.
Because of my magical kissing powers I think I will set up a kissing booth. People who wish to be wildly successful can pay to come and kiss me, but since I am married and my dear Husband would not approve, I will have to charge $500,000 per kiss. It would be an investment in your future.
Alas, I'm just kidding. My kisses are closed. There's no chance of anyone ever kissing me again. I think this means my husband will be the next Warren Buffet if he can harness all this power.
And by the way, if you are reading this and have kissed me before, you know I'm right. If you've kissed me and have not experienced wild success then please know that your time is probably coming and if it doesn't, I have a no refund policy.
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20 comments:
It's quite obvious I've never kissed you. Nor have I kissed near you. I'm a lowly legal assistant about to go curl up with my cat.
Damn, you used to live in Atlanta. Maybe I kissed someone near you in a club or restaurant or something and don't know it. Obviously I didn't because, as I said, I'm a legal assistant about to go curl up with a cat.
What if I send you my adorable 3 yr old to kiss......not a threat to your husband and I get the wildly successfull thing by proxy....plus you get the very sweetest of kisses from a boy who can simultaneously make me want to hug him and drop kick him.
No?
Ach well, can't blame a lass for trying.
I do have to say that if that is your magical gift, it is a particularly fine one m'dear, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you rock!!
x
How about proxy kisses? (Pumpkin's comment made me think of it.) You know, all those XXXXX's people put on greeting cards and love letters...any chance they have a tiny portion of your magical powers? You could safely sell those. Husband couldn't possibly get mad over a few little pieces of the alphabet.
Of course, you would probably have to bring your $500,000 fee down a bit.
I am supposed to be a Jewish Matchmaker. Every person that I ever introduced or set up has married :-) I have the gift also of knowing who should be friends. I introduced people and 20 years later they are BFF. I did not need to kiss them to make this happen, although I may have kissed some of them.
What a wonderful magical talent! I think I have the opposite - everyone I kiss ends up with warrants for arrest or depression or credit card debt. Maybe I'm your archnemesis. That would suck.
Um, I hate to break up the love-fest (And yeah, I do love you), but what about "evil b-stard Ex" ?? Didn't you kiss him... and please tell me Karma's a B-tch so that he's sad, miserable, lonely, depressed, broke, with a chick that cheats on him (because that's really what he deserves, after everything). Also, then I guess the exception to the Kisses thing would be if they do you wrong??
I don't know ... its just a thought
Oh, and BTW, did I mention how much I am utterly LOVING the fact that you are posting everyday. I think it's phenomenal! Or as I normally saying F-cking Phenomenal!!
Lucky you! I'd say that part of your magical powers is that you are that kissable. Those are a lot of kisses.
I have the magical power to make chocolate dissapear almost instantly....does that count for anything?
Also loving the daily posts!
How about a kiss on the cheek, or you could blow me a kiss, maybe instead of huge rich, I could be more confortable with $$ to blow.
And you husband would be ok, because you cant cheat with an air kiss, can you?
holy moly!!! i read that book too and loved it and always wanted telekenisis and silver eyes like the girl.
i still think about that book from time to time, and your the first person ever to mention/be aware of it that i have come across.
I'm with k. I am your anti-hero. What is the opposite of a caul, cuz my family is cursed.
Have you seen this site?
www.caulbearers.org
Any chance you'd divulge the band name?
Ok my magical power is every guy I have ever dated, with the exception of one, has married the very next girl they dated. I'm talking one date and they get married within a year. The one guy who didn't get married, I cursed him with the "You are going to die alone!!!" whammy. So far he's been single for 5 years....mwahahaha. So maybe I also have the "die alone" magical power.
I'm trying to figure out how to find a great guy, date him and then remeet him ;)
i loved that book! plus under the school lights people told me my eyes looked grey or silver
Hmmm...do girl-on-girl kisses count? I've found that the straight husbands don't consider that "cheating" so much as "foreplay". You check with your husband, I'll check with mine. If we get the go ahead, we can kiss and I'll cut you a generous percentage of my future money and power.
JG
THE GIRL WITH THE SILVER EYES!!! You killed me with that book--that shot me straight back to 1986--I'm going to have to go to my mom's house now to see if I can dig up my old copy so I can read it again
Well, you would kiss me, right? Because I am just a stripper, so my kisses don't count. Plus, husbands like strippers kissing their wives. Also, I think I'm going to be on the island I think you're on in a few months.
my daughter was born with the caul too. How long did it take you to figure out your magical power?
does your husband know how lucky he is??