Sunday, November 25, 2007

In Recovery

I'm still trying to get over going to the mall on Black Friday with my mother and Aunt Kiki. I haven't had that much fun in years as I did watching those two shopping for bargains and not finding any.

Last night they hooked up with some Canadian bikers and went to a bar with my cousin who has a fake id and ended up getting kicked out, literally thrown out of a bar, after nearly inciting a riot, mouthing off to bouncers and refusing to wear shoes on the dance floor. Do not even ask. I so love my family. I'm only glad this guy wasn't there because I know that might have been the end of Aunt Kiki and my Mom and we would have been hearing about them on a different blog.

So here are some highlights from Thanksgiving:

Second Most Inappropriate Comment - Howie Lipshitz brought his mother who is at least 97 years old and has a glass eye. Mrs. Lipshitz wanted a tour of Casa dei Sogni so my mom graciously showed her around and told her how much everything cost and where it was imported from and as they were getting to the purple bedroom (yes there is a purple bedroom and yes it was my idea) Mrs. Lipshitz suddenly goes to my mom : "Your hair is very unbecoming young lady. You need to cut it all off." Because this is naturally what one says to one's Thanksgiving host while taking a tour of said host's home. Sometimes old people just lose the stop signs in their mind that tell them "maybe you ought not say that." Or maybe old people figure they've been repressed all their lives and now they're old enough to say whatever the hell they want and get away with it. I don't know. I kind of do it now, but I'm not old enough to get away with it yet. Luckily my mother is gracious and compassionate and shrugged it off with a casual "I like my hair stick straight and bleached blonde and parted down the center." My mom has pretty hair. She'd look awful with anything else. Mrs. Lipshitz on the other hand would look better with a new glass eye.

Abe Kirschner Has Continuing Problems With His Ex-Wife - Sometime this week if I get around to it I will re-post the old stories of Abe and Gabby for all you new readers who don't understand the hell he has allowed himself to be put through by his 26 year old, plastic surgery addicted, gold digging, Brazilian ex-wife who wears no clothes.

The big gossip event of the evening was that instead of us having to worry that Gabby was going to show up with her boyfriend/ divorce attorney Andre Lefkowitz and cause a tense scene, that in fact Andre Lefkowitz had dumped Gabby on her silicone enhanced ass and that Gabby was actually coming as Abe's date. It was a huge shocker. We all couldn't believe it. Afterall, poor Abe has nothing left for her to take and her immigration status is secure. Abe doesn't live in a fancy gated community anymore and just crashes on his cousin's couch in an apartment on the beach. He's not so much her type anymore.

Abe showed up alone, and looking damn good might I add, and I asked him where Gabby was.

"She had other plans," he said.

Hmmm. Later we learned that Andre Lefkowitz took her back at the last minute, but not before Abe had bought her a new Bentley earlier in the week.

Aunt Kyle's Boyfriend Looks Like a NASCAR Fan - I didn't know gay guys had mullets and watched car racing. He's really nice. I definitely approve. They're going to start their own Chinchilla breeding business together.

Aunt Karl Shows Up Too - Aunt Karl is my mom and Aunt Kiki's best friend from the Millpond days who has retired down here for the winter. He is a snowbird now and rented himself a small house in the Haitian ghetto where he can smoke weed on his back step and lay out naked under an avocado tree. I haven't seen Aunt Karl since my wedding and it was a pleasant surprise for him to show up, however, the World's Gayest Man Competition immediately ensued after two bottles of Patron had been emptied.

Aunt Kiki Does Not Bring Her Children - Aunt Kiki was amazingly straight and a joy to be around. She seems to have come off her recent year long bender. It's that or else she's been replaced by Bizzarro Aunt Kiki: a Chico's wearing, perfectly highlighted suburban housewife still sporting The Rachel. I couldn't believe it. She didn't bring her children though, I guess because she feared for our safety. The good news is that my cousin Fallon isn't stripping after all. She's tending bar and all that stripper gear was from amateur night at the strip club, and I'll have you know that Fallon won the amateur contest 2 weeks in a row and they pay $250 a pop, which means that now Fallon has enough halter tops from Charlotte Russe to clothe an entire high school of hoochies. Also, Hunter is not pregnant and is on probation for breaking and entering. Brooke Lynn is famous on that MySpace thing.

25 Black Girls Show Up With a Pot of Collard Greens - Don't ask me where they came from, but anybody who shows up with a pot of collard greens is completely OK in my book. They all sat around while my mother held court. One of my favorite conversations of the evening went as follows:

Black Girl 1 : Oooh girl, I was watching that Kim Kardashian show and I says to myself, I says, look at that girl's ass! How a white girl get a ass like that? I said, she got some Black up in her, because ain't no white girl nowhere got a ass like that.

Black Girl 2 : I know!! She got some Black someplace.

Black Girl 3 : She Do!! She Armenian!

Black Girl 1 : See, I told you. I knew she had some Black in there. See. She Armenian.

All Black Girls Combined: Mmmmm Hmmmm.
Uncle Mendel Leaves Suddenly for Costa Rica - Uncle Mendel, my grandmother's brother, is a staple at any event involving free food and who can blame a 75 year old bachelor? Some of you may remember Uncle Mendel from my trip to New York last March for my cousin's Bar Mitzvah. Uncle Mendel is a soft spoken, diamond dealer and a typical old Eastern European Jewish man in every way except for his penchant for exotic women, by which I mean teenage thai prostitutes and African-Hispanic hookers from the Dominican Republic, whom he calls his "girlfriends." Uncle Mendel is a sex tourist, we fear. He romps the beaches of the world, ramped up on Viagra and showing off his Speedo like any proud geriatric, Eastern European. We adore Uncle Mendel and we're glad that at 75 he can still get it on with 20 year olds even if he has to pay for it, but, just...ewww sometimes. You know? Ewww. This doesn't stop his exploits from being extremely amusing though. Uncle Mendel was taking an evening flight to Costa Rica where apparently there is a hotel, the lobby of which is filled with at least 1,500 prostitutes every night, ripe for the picking by skeezy old Americans and Eastern Europeans. One of them is Uncle Mendel's "girlfriend" and she is 19. He was going to visit her for the weekend and she asked him to bring her a cell phone, so he went and bought the cheapest one he could find and it was a whopping $17.00. He showed it to us and my dad mentioned he had a similar model sitting in a drawer, so Uncle Mendel, being extremely thrifty asked if he could have that one instead, because then he could take the other one back to the store and get his $17.00 back. My dad gave him the old phone for Uncle Mendel's "girlfriend."
It's funny. You wouldn't think a cheap man would be into hookers and paying for sex, though maybe at his age if you don't pay you don't play. The man spends his entire life looking for a deal, haggling and arguing over the price of small, insignificant things, and he seems to experience genuine physical pain if he finds out he bought something he could have got cheaper somewhere else. I bet he bargains with prostitutes.
"$25.00 for a blowjob? You are kiddingk me? I can get blowjob in Miami for $15.00. I give you $17.00!" I can hear him saying.
I have to give him credit though. At least he doesn't let the women take advantage of him like Abe does. Uncle Mendel wouldn't come off a penny for a gold-digger and I commend that.
My Cousin Explains Certain Things Done By "People He Knows" to Get Into Fraternities - My Cousin, the one visiting from the prestigious university, would like you all (especially his mother and sister) to know that at college he is not participating in any fraternity hazing rituals at all and that all he does is study and go to Hillel. He also does not know anyone who may have pooped in the graduate library at said prestigious university on a dare and he has no idea how to play beer pong and he definitely did not tell me any of this after having a few drinks with the 25 black girls and Aunt Kiki. He went to bed and prayed. For the record.
A Kosher Turkey Must Immediately Be Procured - At the last minute my extremely religious Jewish grandparents let us know that instead of having Thanksgiving at their Temple with 250 99 year olds, they were coming to our house instead. We had to get a kosher turkey at the last minute and cook a separate kosher meal for them and it was then that I noticed that the kosher turkey still had feathers and that they wouldn't come out, so we just cooked it that way and then at the last minute again they decided to just have dinner at the Temple and come to see us for dessert, so then we had 4 entire turkeys, one of which had burned up feathers sticking out of it.
And that, Dear Readers, was the madness of Thanksgiving at Casa dei Sogni, although I will probably remember a few other things after I post this.


Hilary said...

You have a brilliant way with words. I sure hope you're working on a book deal. Thanks for the always-amusing tales. :)

Kate (pereka) said...

Sounds like my Jewish extended family.


misha said...

i love your writing! i love this month!

MP said...

You have blogged us the most wonderful Thanksgiving cluster... of stories and I am LOVIN every minute of it!!

Anonymous said...

Huh, I guess the feathers must be a thing with Kosher turkeys. I ended up with a Kosher turkey for the first time this year because they had them at Trader Joe's in the size I wanted. I had a nasty surprise Thanksgiving morning when I discovered the billion feather quill ends sticking out of it. After half an hour of torturing my fingers I just gave up and decided not to eat the skin. The turkey itself was great, though--nicely moist and salty.

Leonesse said...

I love your stories. I didn't know Club Life was back from hiatus. Good to know I have an old fave to waste more of my time on!

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