Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Background On Gabby Kirschner - As Promised

This is a repost of the first time we encountered Gabriella Kirschner:

I just saw Gabriella Kirchner, who has got to be the biggest gold-digging whore in all of South Florida. Of course, she does have a lot of competition in that department, but most of the time she does a good job at keeping herself, shamelessly in the top position.

Shameless is the best word for Gabriella, but at least she is honest. She never claims to be anything but a money-grubber and sees no reason to hide her intentions. You really have to respect that, because she is never insincere and never leads anyone to think she has any other intentions for her relationships than for the men to take her shopping and on lavish vacations. She never proclaims love for her conquests. She does however, loudly profess her love for Bentleys, Rolexes, Chopard jewelry and Versace designs. Gabriella is half Italian afterall and often pays homage to her idol Donatella by going on wild shopping sprees, having long stringy hair and starving herself half to death. The other half of Gabriella is Brazilian. She says that her mother is Brazilian and her father is Italian. She has a Brazilian accent and looks more Brazilian. Actually she looks like more of an Afro-Latina mix. Men go wild over her look, which is very Jungle-Chic.Gabriella isn't what I would describe as beautiful, but she does an excellent job of creating the illusion that she is a glamourous, gorgeous sex goddess on 5-inch lucite, platform wedges. She is not a stripper, she just likes their shoes.

Men are easily fooled into thinking she is attractive, but women see through the belly shirts, cantalope sized fake boobs, hair extensions, bad nose job and butt-crack-low Brazilian skinny pants. Gabriella adores animal prints. I have rarely seen her in an outfit that does not feature something zebra, leopard or tiger printed. That is why I call her Jungle-Chic. She also wears gigantic earrings and has Morticia-Addams style, waist-length, panther-black hair extensions. It must take her 3 hours to get ready in the mornings, because once I saw her as her normal self, minus the extensions, fake eyelashes, red lipstick etc. and I thought she was someone's maid. She looked like a 12 year old boy! It was scary.

One of my favorite things about Gabby Kirschner is that she is proud of her plastic surgery. A lot of these women pull an Ashlee Simpson and become very coy and secretive about their gravity defying breasts and wrinkle free faces at 80 years old. Not Gabby. She will tell you all about her tummy-tucks, three boob jobs and two nose jobs. She'll tell you who paid for it and give you her doctor's numbers if you're interested in recreating her look. She's proud. Again, I love this girl's sincerity. No one could ever call Gabby a phony.

I met Gabby a few years ago when she first started living with Abe. She was about 23 then. Abe Kirschner had returned from his Italian vacation with her on his arm and she moved right in and starting making bad risotto for him, which he loved. Abe is in his 60s and thinks he's 22. He wears leather pants when its 90 degrees and likes to smoke cigars and ride motorcycles, but he's nice and fun and makes everyone laugh. He has never given anyone a single problem. I like Abe. Gabby really needed to stay in the US so Abe agreed to marry her. They then upgraded to a bigger home and Gabby redecorated it with lots of gold lion heads, red carpets and leopard couches with fringe. I saw it, and it looked like a bordello. Gabby liked it for a little while until Abe bought her a car and she was pissed. Abe cheaped out and only bought her the Mercedes C 230, the most inexpensive model. She wanted the S 500. Then he had the nerve to buy her a clothes boutique and actually make her WORK in her store. This was just not acceptable to her. To make matters worse, he bought her a stainless steel rolex instead of a platinum. Her engagement ring was only one carat and that is a total embarassment. Gabby was not pleased and felt she could do better. After a year of marriage she decided it was time for an upgrade in men. She had had her eye on Andre Lefkowitz for quite some time anyway.Conveniently, the very sleazy Mr. Lefkowitz is a single, 40 year old divorce attorney who happened to live right in the same community. This enabled Gabby to kill two birds with one stone, as Mr. Lefkowitz has a fabulously successful practice, drives a Bentley and lives in a big, gaudy house of the exact sort that Gabby loves. Gabby could not only upgrade to a richer, and younger man, but she could also get a free divorce lawyer and best of all, she could stay living the good life. Everything worked out perfectly for her. She even got her S 500, and a Chopard watch. I hear she is working on the 5 carat diamond, but Andre has yet to produce.

Andre is a jackass. No one likes him and he tries to look like Fabio but only succeeds in looking like a pirate with a bad hair transplant. He has long, wooly hair and likes to wear tight jeans, cowboy boots and big, puffy shirts unbuttoned to well below mid-chest length. The two of them make the perfect Eurotrash match and they look like they go together more than Gabby and Abe did. The only problem is that Andre has no interest in marrying Gabby, which she needs to secure her future. The immigration thing is no longer an issue so its all about money now.

Apparently Gabby has realized that she needs to step things up a bit to seal the deal. I just don't quite agree with her methods.Gabby, living up to her name, brazenly provided me with TOO MUCH INFORMATION this morning. Way too much. She visited to tell me that she was going out of town and as Andre was in France for a week without her, the house would be vacant and she needed someone to keep an eye on things. I inquired as to where she was going. This was my first mistake.

"Dominican Republica," she said excitedly, "I'm going get new surgery there!"

She was all giggles and smiles.

"South Florida is like the cosmetic surgery capital of America, why would you go to a third world country for that?" I asked.

Second mistake.

"The stupid doctor here say no, he wasn't do this kind! Imagine you! I say I pay and he say no that son of a mother. He don't want my money. He say I don't need surgery and I never had a baby so I dont need and if I do I can't have baby three year, so No, he not gonna do it."

"What exactly are you having done?" I asked hestitantly.

HUGE mistake.

She pointed to her crotch which was hidden behind a teeny little skirt that would have been a headband on anyone else.

"I want make her smaller!"

I nearly passed out.

I know I was a deep red-purple and part of it was from horror and part from trying not to bust out laughing, because well, how could you not? There is no way you can't laugh at that. I must have looked puzzled because she began to offer more explanation.

"Surprise for Andre when he come home from France. I find a doctor in Dominica who make her just like she 13 again. Very tight! Small like little girl. Mens love that!" She explained.

"They do?"

"Ohh yessss! They like her be very small. Feel good to them. Andre gonna love this. Maybe he marry me then!" She said.

So...yeah. Gabby wants to go to a third world country to have some hack doctor (pun completely intended) slice and sew on her cooch to make it tighter, except it probably can't be all that loose to begin with since she never had a baby and is barely 26, and she is doing this in the hopes of making a 40 year old jerk who looks like a pirate, marry her. So of course this got me to thinking about how big her crotch actually was that she wanted to make it smaller. I know its got some miles on it. Her lady-stuff is her best assett and her source of income, so maybe after so much use it needs a tune-up. I don't know. I can't fathom such a thing.And I totally love how Gabby refers to her crotch as "she."


Anonymous said...

I love when you type with an accent, it's as if the person is actually talking to me...About the cooch pronoun...What's wron with "she?" Men name theirs.

Anonymous said...

dear lord I refuse to believe that Gabby is real person! at least I desperately hope to the heavens she isn't real my mind cannot fathom a person that brazenly whorish...then again you think media would have jaded me.

at least you learned not to ask her questions about surgery anymore lol

Anonymous said...

Only in America! People in third world countries are starving to death, including her homeland, and she lavishes herself with needless surgery. What a disgusting piece of humanity.

FirstNations said...




omg. in heaven. on a red bicycle.

the woman totally thinks of herself as a commodity. just the thought of...no. not even if i were able to use it as mini-storage. just NO.

Anonymous said...

brilliant. absolutely f***ing brilliant. the best of the literary world have mastered the art of the authentic voice; you are well on your way. frank waters in "people of the valley" could not ever master it; mark twain in "tom sawyer" made it appear effortless. keep up the good work; now what you need is the polish. quite honestly, i think that in time, you could be clemens good. in fact, i will go ahead and start expecting that out of you. well, OK, within the next ten years. it *does* take some effort.


big virtual hugs, sunny

yes, i used to teach college, how can you tell?


MP said...

I LOVE your stories. I can picture her..I can finish in my head what you didn't tell us...

Poor Abe..

JoeinVegas said...

Is it wron to no like mini-storage? All men lika tight, no?
Ha, you do tell a good story.

Alessandra said...

Hahahaha, I´ve met a few Gabriellas myself! You got the type sooo right. And that atitude about plastic surgery is fairly common among brazilian noveau riches, women show of their new breasts or face-lifts like it´s a new car or something. We are a country adicted to plastic surgery.

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