Friday, November 23, 2007

And The Award for Most Innapropriate Comment Goes To...

Surprisingly, it wasn't Aunt Kiki. Aunt Kiki was fairly well behaved all day and actually made it through dinner although her husband did not due to two bottles of Camus, which she prononouces to rhyme with anus. Isn't it Cah-moo or is that just the writer? I have no idea, but she kept saying Camus Camus all night. Aunt Kiki was passed out by dessert though and she just sort of disappeared into the guest room without mentioning "I'm going to go pass out cold right now. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!"

The most inappropriate comment, conversation actually, came from some jackass that nobody knows that my parents' massage girl brought.

The massage girl's name is Star and she's very tall with wildly curly, multicolored hair that sticks off her head in a thousand different directions. Star is very eccentric and always gives far too much information. For instance, one time I went to dinner with my parents and when we got back to their house Star was waiting for them in the driveway because the door was locked. As soon as we got out of the car we hear "I had to take a piss in your driveway since you weren't here!"

My mother said she'd hose it off.

"You're lucky I didn't poop on there too, because I have to go really badly but I figured I could hold it," Star said.

Star likes to give massages while drinking apple martinis and one time she had too many. My parents tried to get her to stay over, as she was in a terrible state, but she somehow escaped and didn't get two blocks out of the neighborhood before she got a DUI. And thank God she got a DUI because she could have killed someone.

They invited her to Thanksgiving and she brought her friend The Environmentalist. The Environmentalist is in his 50s and looks like a combination of Jimmy Buffet and John Denver. He is from Newfoundland, but lives down here and does a whole lot of nothing, though he does it with a funny accent.

I was standing on the dock with Husband and some other people talking and I threw a couple pieces of turkey into the canal because if you do that a whole bunch of big fish will come up to eat it, which amuses me because I am five.

"HEY!!!" shouted The Environmentalist, "You're polluting the eco-system by doing that! Do you realize that's a $50,000 fine? Do you? That's considered dumping!!"

Everyone was quite taken aback.

Later in the evening several people were sitting outside at a table, and I realize this sounds odd to most of the country where people are shivering inside and all the coats are on the guest room bed, but here it was a balmy 75 so we were outside. There were a bunch of beer bottles on the table so I said to another guest to put the beer bottles in the recycling bin and not the trash.

"Pfft," said The Environmentalist.

"Excuse me?" said me.

"Well I'm glad to see you recycle at least."

Thus began a strange exchange.

Me: Of course I recycle. You know what else I do? I have all those special kind of lightbulbs too.

The Environmentalist: Oh. Well I'm just really into conservation. I love recycling. It's really important to me. I tell Star all the time she uses too much water.

Star: Yes he does, but I'm not stopping.

The E: People use too much water taking showers. You can fill a small tub or even the sink with soap and water and wash yourself off and then use the water to water your plants and that's enough, you know. People are trying to be too clean. It's not natural.

Star: I'm natural, and I'm not going to stop taking showers.

The E: That's because you like to masturbate in the shower, but you don't understand how much water that wastes! It's ridiculous. You need to use some rechargable batteries and get a vibrator or just use your hand.

(I am about to faint.)

Star: Nothing else does it for me! One time I had this place and the shower head fell off and I look at that nice stream of water and thought mmm hmmm. So now every time I move I take the shower head off and call it Frank.

So yeah, at that point the conversation came to a screeching halt and everyone who was sitting at that table except Star and The Environmentalist of course, suffered from an acute case of too much information.

This may well be the most inappropriate Thanksgiving conversation of all time

More on Thanksgiving innapropriateness later. I'm going to eat leftovers.


Anonymous said...

Oh lord...Hi I'm a nw reader and there have been a few articles that I wanted to comment on but I was too shy, anyway I cannot believe that but I'm afraid I would not have been so quiet as you I wold have been laughing my everloving ass off!

Anonymous said...

Frank... she sure was.

Leonesse said...

I miss the Arizona holidays. sigh.

JDogg said...

Glad you had your typical events!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you're not making all this stuff up??????


I always get a huge charge out of your posts. Please keep writing, and when you finally write a book, I'm going to buy copies for all my bestest friends!

Reb said...

Newfies sounds strange even to the rest of Canada, I can't imagine how bad it sounds to your southern tuned ears. Oh and I would add, that it is probably toned down quite a bit since he left Newfoundland, otherwise, you would not have been able to understand half of what he was saying! I can't stop laughing, picturing a Newfie amongst all you Southerners!
Very good post - you make it seem like we are all there with you.

Anonymous said...

Well, that certainly beats my own post about the threat of patricide overheard at our Thanksgiving dinner.

Anonymous said...

Well....bless her heart! (I heard that's what southerners say in these types of situations) WOW. That is way too much information! Was the food as bad as it could be? That last post amused and sickened me at the same time. Was also sitting outside last night, albeit by a fire because we are on the coast.

Anonymous said...

A massage girl named "Star"? No way!

Sauntering Soul said...

One of my dearest friends in the world is currently going through a rather nasty divorce. From a guy named Frank. Of all the names in the world to pick from, why would a girl with a name like "Star" choose Frank as the name of her, er, friendly shower head? Too funny.

Anonymous said...

dear sweet holy g~d. i would have coughed up food or liquid or something all over those two bozos. why the hell didn't you just push those two mouthbreathing low normals off the end of the dock?

you have my permission to, you know.


happy you-survived-turkey-day and big virtual hugs, sunny

Anonymous said...

You have to be one sanctimonious arrogant SOB to tell a gal how to get off not to mention her sermonize about her hygiene habits. I really hate those 'greener than thou' jackasses. Ooh thank you for your approval of my recycling efforts. That is exactly why I do it!
Nothing makes me want to nuke a whale, napalm an iceberg, or convert a redwood into toothpicks more than these assholes. Next year serve him spotted owl casserole.
-From the Ravings of the Pyschomancer

About Me

Blog Archive