Friday, September 28, 2007

Los Angeles Consider Yourself Warned

Things have been excessively crazy in my life since my trip to Lake Tahoe. I normally don't write about my everyday life because it's so boring and repetitive that you would all fall asleep and bang your heads on you keyboards from the sheer and shocking dullness of my existence. Seriously, you may not believe me, but you have to. Certainly I do lead an extraordinary life. I freely admit that. Extraordinary things don't happen every single day though. They happen periodically. In between all those events there are long days which involve me doing nothing more than sitting in traffic, eating salads with chicken in them, worrying if my cat is constipated (I think she is), reading literary theory (not willingly), and doing all those boring things that we all have to do like grocery shopping, cleaning the toilet, procrastinating the laundry and wanting cheeseburgers. It makes for terrible writing. Lately though, I've been upended.

As soon as I got back from my trip my parents informed me that they were going to Los Angeles. This is pretty unusual because my mom isn't much of a traveler. She loves her RV, but part of the reason she got that thing in the first place is because she has a crippling phobia of flying on airplanes. It is her worst fear and she will do just about anything to avoid it, but here she was all of a sudden, without much warning, telling me that she was flying across the damn country. Highly out of character. She did fly a few months ago, but it was a quick flight to see my Uncle, the Grass Roots Political Activist, and then shave his head. She considered the incentive of shaving her older brother's head enough to get on a plane, but again it was a short trip and involved Xanax.

When my parents leave, Husband and I house sit and we love this because our apartment is small and my parents' house has unimaginable luxuries like a gas stove and a BBQ grill. There is even a bathtub that I can actually fit in. My bathtub at home isn't really a bathtub. It's more so the floor to the shower. It provides a place to stand, not a place to bathe. Here I can get into the bathtub and cover my entire body with water. This is more wonderful than I have words to describe. If next week I have a post detailing a painful bladder infection, you will know exactly why. So far so good though. I'll take preemptive cranberry.

We love housesitting. Our cat even likes to come over here because there is some hole where lizards can get into the house and she can then stalk and kill them. There is no such hole in our apartment, although there IS a hole that seems to be the exact size of a millipede. I have a gazillion millipedes trucking across my floors at any given moment and my cat has no interest in them. Its all about the lizards for her. I hate millipedes. I want millipedes eradicated from the face of the earth; I really do.

My parents ,who had no apparent reason to go to Los Angeles, were supposed to be there for 11 days. My mother was quite nervous on her birthday and declined celebration that night because she was so scared of her flight the next morning.

I called to make sure she got there ok and she said she was very scared and sounded strange. She did not like LA.

Three hours later my mother called to tell me that Los Angeles was the best city in the entire world. No city could ever compare. It was the best place she had ever visited. She became the official LA cheerleader. You have never heard a person more in love with Los Angeles in your life. Well good, I thought, they'll have a nice trip. I decided to take my third bath that day.

The next day my parents called again to inform me that they were moving to Los Angeles. MOVING. To Los Angeles. They were looking for apartments.

I decided to wait it out. Maybe they were just having fun. They'd probably change their minds.

They called again to tell me that they had signed a lease. My parents have moved to LA. They even went and bought furniture for their new apartment. I strongly suspect that this furniture is going to have ornately carved bunches of grapes and Medusa heads. There will be gilding and inlay of something.

Who on earth goes on vacation and decides to not only get an apartment, but to immediately furnish it?? My parents.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. It was all very sudden. They haven't done something like this in almost 15 years, but there was a time when it was common for them to up and move, which is how I got to live in so many places and go to so many schools. So now, my parents are in LA and I am here.

I'd like to introduce the newest resident of Basura del Este, dear readers. It's me. I now have a house to live in (at least most of the time). For the next few weeks until the novelty wears off I'll be really clean and I will grill everything. I was thinking about having an apple in a little while. I think I'll put it on the BBQ grill. Grilled apples. Yum. I wonder if you can grill chips. I wish you could grill while taking a bath. I'd be in heaven if I could grill while in the bathtub.

The catch is this. There is a wacko magnet installed in the foyer of this house. Just because my parents aren't here doesn't mean that the freaks aren't still drawn to it. So yes, I do get to live here and swim in the pool and pull lizards out of my cat's mouth, but I also have to deal with all the lunatics who show up at all hours. I can't turn them away because they are kind of like family too, and admittedly they all make for a colorful existence. We'll just have to see what happens I suppose. I'm rather looking forward to it.

In the meantime, my parents are out on the West Coast wreaking all sorts unimaginable havoc. I feel it is my duty to warn you, Los Angeles, because you will never be the same.

I predict that in one month everyone in LA will know my parents. My father will get discovered and will not only have an entourage, but he will be the newest cast member of Entourage. Remember when he was an extra and we had to keep rewinding the TiVo and trying to pause it so we could see him like 45 feet in the distance?

My mother will, in weeks, be babysitting for Shiloh, Zahara, Maddox and Pax, as well as Coco, Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspektor. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's kid) will be her favorite because My Name is Earl is her favorite show ever. She will guest star and win an Emmy. Then she will probably get her own show. My mother will be the one to finally straighten out Britney Spears and get her back on track. I can actually really see that happening.

Los Angelenos, this is how to recognize my mother. She has blonde hair and will be wearing an outfit from Chicos. She will be talking to total strangers and inviting them places. This is good news if you didn't have anywhere to go for the holidays. Now you do. My mother will be the woman who walks into five star restaurants and orders a Large Diet Pepsi before asking the employees if she can bum cigarettes from them. They will ask if she wants regular or menthol and she will say she wants two of each. Then she'll order a split of champagne and end up telling the waitress how she needs to dump her boyfriend. The waitress will listen to her. By the end of the night the entire staff of the restaurant will come to give her a hug. All the women and gay men will be in love with my father. He will type everyone's numbers into his blackberry and he will run out of room and have to get three blackberries.

I guess now that my parents are in Los Angeles, that means I'll be spending a lot more time out there too. Hey TV and movie people, give me a job!!! I need a break. You need me to write for you.

This is good though. I like LA a lot. I can go to Trader Joes even more now!! Sees Candy butterscotches!! I'm excited. I can listen to KCRW and eat decent Asian and Mexican food.

So it occurred to me...You think maybe the reason my mom decided to move out there was because she was too scared to fly back to Florida so she figured she'd just stay there?


Hobo Stripper said...

That totally happens here all the time. Half the people who live here came on vacation and never left.

Anonymous said...

Luck will visit you on the next full moon.

Anonymous said...

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Anonymous said...

Your love life is happy and harmonious.

Whiskeymarie said...

I almost did that the last time I went to San Francisco. I hate flying that much.
Bless you, sweet Ativan for getting me home. Though, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have minded the NEW home so much.

Let me know when your Mom can get me a walk-on part on a soap opera. I hear that's what all the kids are doing these days.

Subservient No More said...

Ok some yahoo thought it would be funny to apparently copy 16 fortune cookie fortunes and send them to me as comments. It took me 3 before I caught on. I was like, what the hell? 17 comments on a Friday night? That's odd. I'm a tad slow sometimes. So umm, yeah. I published 3. The rest I had to delete but they were pretty damned funny actually. This must be someone I know. Any ideas?

Julie said...

As far as I'm concerned, Trader Joe's is a good enough reason to move anywhere!

Anonymous said...

Good grief this sounds like.... well like your living in the Bermuda Triangle (house) and your parents lives have turned into a reality show/sitcom.

Ms Bart said...

A couple years ago, I got my folks a gift certificate to a B&B in a vacation destination. Imagine my surprise when I get a call at work that they just purchased a townhouse! They've been there two years and LOVE it. I'm sure that your parents will as well.

Subservient No More said...

Anonymous, I don't think they've turned into a reality show/ sitcom. They've been one for a long time. Perhaps the longest running one in history.

Anonymous said...

Happy grilling!


Glad everyone's having such a great time!

ArtK said...

The reason that your mom wants to live here is very simple: We have more nuts per square mile than the almond farms in central California. If your folks are settling in on the west side, they can go to Venice Beach or Santa Monica and collect a whole new set of wackos!

Manda said...

The same thing happens in Alaska. The drive to get here takes like 10 days, and no one wants to attempt the long and expensive trip out again. While you have the grill you should try pizza on it. Home made pizza using the quick rising yeast. Yum...

Lapa said...


He has, also, translated into Portuguese the Wealth of Mations by Adam Smith.

He has been awarded several prizes.

Don't forget the name of this great author, you'll be hearing of him soon.

Lana Wood said...

I am just catching up on your last few posts.

I love your stories about your parents. They are funny in and of themselves, but they also remind me of all the crazy shit my parents did that makes me laugh out loud every time I think of it.

Speaking of diners, and Dads, mine used to bring home real home made cheescake from a diner he passed on his way home from work. It was so good. It was a nice clean shiny place with geriatric waitresses who adored him and gave me money when he he took our family there.

I personally love Waffle house, butI have never had a bad experience, also I have never been to one in Georgia, I love me some Trader Joes too.

In Elton John's defense, maybe he was having work done at his house. I stay at a hotel around the corner whenever the urge to kill acontrator nearly overtakes me.

Congratulations on your new freak maget abode. If you rinse off in the shower after a bubble bath, you should be able to ward off the cranberry juice bubble bath plague. The novelty will wear off eventually. I took at least two buble baths a day for almost five months after I finished fixing my bathroom. I had lived in an apartment with no tub for ten years.

And, hey do you have a book deal yet?

Subservient No More said...

No Lana I do not have a book deal yet. Were you wanting to offer me one or do you know of anyone who might because I would completely be willing to let them take a bubble bath with me. Then I would cook them something on the grill.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE go to LA and make a "treatment" get a pilot and let us watch your sweet cute life on the telly!

Love ya ~ Shari

gulfsidebo said...

I grilled pizza last night. It's just stupendous.

Mim said...

That's pretty awesome. And very random. I wish my parents would do that! so is that house all paid off and they've just transferred it to you?

booda baby said...

Your parents have found the place where they are NOT unusual. In fact, you've described numerous Angelenos by describing your parents. This is an observation without any good thing/bad thing attached. LA is a heaven for those who like a little living large without the often-attendant 'eccentric' label.

Morrigoon said...

Thank you, I will consider myself duly warned.

Of course, if your folks ever make it down here to Orange County (That's "OC" to locals, not "THE OC"), they may never venture beyond the "Orange Curtain" again, and you'll have to come visit them at Disneyland or something.

NicoleinAZ said...

I was thinking maybe she ran out of Xanax. But she was in LA and Xanax can be bought at the AM/PM.

And as a fellow Los Angeleon who transplanted into Phoenix. Let me just say, your mother is EXACTLY the kind of people we look for and she will fit right in!

When you go visit her someday, please have a layover in Phoenix and come say hi. Oh and make sure it isn't in July.

MP said...

i clicked on your blog 18 times today..LA and the parents, I knew it had to be good..then work kept getting in the way...I knew I had to wait until later to give it the full attention it deserves.
Did your mother give up a child for adoption in 1966? I think she may be my biological mother..except for bumming ciggs that sounds like me in my single days. I talk to exroommate was my waitress from the local bar..I ended up being her maid of honor..yeah, I pick up people like that.
As long as they have email and keep you posted on their day to day activities I'll allow them to live across the country from you.
Please explain..the magnet????

Tere said...

O.k., so now that their house is your quasi-official home for an undetermined amount of time: when's dinner? ;-)

JDogg said...

The magnet is in the mosaic in the front foyer.

JoeinVegas said...

Bad news, Moxie Crimefighter is here with her dad here in Vegas.

About Me

Blog Archive