Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I Luuuuvvvv Bacon

So one day some friends of one of my friends were sitting around doing nothing and suddenly God spoke unto them, placing a brilliant and original idea into their heads. Thus was born Bacon Salt. My friend showed me the Bacon Salt, which looked to me like they ground some bacon into a fine powder and stuck it in one of those shaker type of spice containers like cinnamon comes in. I tasted it. It tasted like bacon. And also like salt. It tasted like Bacon Salt and I immediately began to curse my own lame inability to come up with brilliant ideas like this too. It's so simple really.

Bacon is good. Salt is good. Together they are really good. The salt acts as a vehicle to spread the joy that is bacon, to places where, in its long, greasy, gristly strip form, bacon could never travel. Now you can sprinkle bacon taste on everything without splattering the inside of your microwave with pig fat or smoking up your kitchen. I said, I have got to get me some of this bacon salt, but I was at my friend's house and all he had was one container of it that he wan't about to give up.

Not surprisingly, Bacon Salt has a website and it even has a blog with recipes and ideas about all sorts of interesting things you could do with it. If you are interested, you can buy it from the website. Personally, for all this free advertising, I think the great minds behind this product ought to send me a shaker. Ahem. I mean, I'm not asking for a case here, just a tiny little sample. Of course I'm just kidding. I'm going to order some this afternoon.

So the whole bacon salt thing reminded me of a very funny story that happened a couple years ago, which involves a different friend of mine and a total whack job that he was dating, who ended up being one of the strangest (though not quite THE strangest) women that one of my friends has ever gone out with. We now call her That Crazy Bacon Girl. Can you imagine a bunch of strangers calling you that? I'd be crushed if people called me a Crazy Bacon Girl.

We, meaning Husband and I, were at a get together with my friend Angelina and her husband the Hot Fireman. The get together was at a home on the water and we were there to sit on a dock at night and watch a boat parade going on out in the Intracoastal. This is the sort of thing we Floridians find highly entertaining and it gives us a good excuse to sit for several hours in someone's waterfront backyard to drink excessively and eat chips.

Soon after we arrived our friend Tanner shows up. Tanner is single and he probably always will be because he only dates women who are certifiable lunatics. He particularly enjoys women wh are in the last stages of anorexia. I like to say that Tanner has Anorexia-By-Proxy. He seems to have a lanugo fetish and we have often questioned his sexuality because he will only go out with women who have the bodies of nine year old boys. He may have some latent homosexual, pedophiliac tendencies going on. The man can't stand breasts. What man can't stand breasts? If he so much as sees the slightest curve of cleavage he starts gagging. Clearly this is a sign of some major issues, because who doesn't love boobs?

Tanner brought a date to the boat parade who looked like he had picked her up at a fourth grade kickball tournament. She was about five feet tall and maybe 75 pounds. Maybe. She also had this head of wildly curly, sticking up all over the place, black hair. Had the girl remained quiet and refrained from ever opening her mouth, we would have all thought she was actually kind of cute, but as soon as she began to speak we knew there would be problems.

CBG could speak of nothing but food. She was totally preoccupied with food. She talked about it so much that we offered her some, but she refused.

"I'm freaking out you guys,"said CBG, "I just went from a child's size twelve to a child's fourteen and I don't want to get all the way up to a size zero. I would kill myself if I were a size zero. I'd be a like a blimp."

See, she was nuts.

Someone brought sushi to the party so we told her she should have some salmon sashimi.

"Oh my God no, do you know how much fat is in salmon??" she replied, but then she went on and on about how good all the food looked and how great she thought it was and how she loved to cook.

We tried to ignore her.

Tanner and some other guys went on a beer run, so Angelina, Hot Fireman, Husband and I sat down on the dock to watch the boats go by. CBG sat down beside us.

A little while later Hot Fireman, who had eaten a BLT for lunch, politely stifled a belch. Seconds later, Crazy Bacon Girl became very animated.

"I smell BACON!!!!" she announced. "WOW!!! It smells amazing!! I LUUUUUUUUUVVVV BACON!!!"

We all turned around and stared at her.

"What? I said, "I don't smell anything."

Husband was trying very hard not to laugh because he knew she was smelling nothing more than a gross bacon burp and apparently getting rather aroused over it.

"BACON!! OHHHHH. I LUUUUVVVV BACON!!!" she went on, "Bacon is the best thing in the whole world. I love bacon more than anything else. MMMMMM. Smell that yummy bacon!! Ahhhhh."

She took a long, deep sniff of the lingering bacon burp aroma.

Hot Fireman had to get up.

"Do you want us to go to the store and get you a pack of bacon?" Angelina asked.

"Oh no, I don't eat bacon. I wish I could eat bacon. I luuuuuuuvvvvvv bacon so much. Wow. Mmmmm. Bacon." she continued.

At that point we all just got up and left her there. That night Crazy Bacon Girl ended up getting wasted on half a vodka tonic (when you're that small it doesn't take much) so Tanner had to take her home. They didn't last long, which wasn't exactly a surpise, so we never got to see Crazy Bacon Girl again.

Now everytime I see Angelina's husband I make sure I always tell him: "I luuuuuuvvv bacon!!!!"

I hadn't thought of CBG in a long time, but as soon as I saw the Bacon Salt I thought, this would be perfect!!! It's bacon with no calories. If she were concerned about the high sodium content (which might bloat her up to a whopping 76 pounds) she could sniff it like pot pourri.

Hey Bacon Salt people - I think I've got a new marketing angle for you down here...


Chiada said...

That is really no way to live. To "love" a food but not let yourself enjoy it? No way. No wonder she kept going on about food - she never ate it!

Oh, and I was practically unable to function during my teen years thanks to some mean boys that were friends of friends of mine that I sometimes hung around with. You see, I must have had crushes on 3 of them (secretly, of course), but not one spared me the time of day. Know why? My boobs. My boobs were too freakin' big for them. Yeah, I've always been on the chesty side, but I've always thought that they were in proportion to the rest of me. Those lame, dumb jerks and their hatred of anything more than a mosquito bite. Damn them.

Well, at least I finally met & married a guy who loves mine. Otherwise I might have thrown myself off a bridge or something (I kid).

Moi said...

Apparently more vegetarians default on bacon than anything else! I don't know if anorexics are the same though....

Subservient No More said...

Luckily bacon salt is vegetarian! Vegan even.

MP said...

I love bacon too. Crispy...where the fat melts in your mouth...and eggs over w/ half and half. THAT is a meal that hits every ounce of my body..taste, smell YUMMMMM. OK I have to go fix my oatmeal w/ spenda and cinnimon now..

Sparkling Cipher said...

That is freaking genius! I've thought of frying bacon so crispy it falls apart and keeping the crumbs to put on salads and potatoes, but it never seems to last long enough....

I wouldn't be surprised if a person or two called me "Crazy Bacon Girl," but it's more likely that they would pick up on my obsession with corn first.

emf said...

I know the bacon people! It is the most brilliant idea yet, I agree, how can it be so original? I would've thought the garlic salt people had this covered. You are one of my favorite bloggers. I loved your employee stories and you write with such passion about your family. Thank you for sharing with everyone!

Subservient No More said...

EMF maybe you know my friend who knows them too. Wouldn't that be funny? It would be like we just had 1 degree of separation. Maybe you've even met me and didn't know it. I've had that happen before.

Brandy said...

For some reason I started thinking of the "Beggin' Strips" commercial:

Bacon! I smell bacon! Bacon, bacon, bacon! What's that say? I can't reeeeeead!!! Bacon! Num num num num!

That precooked microwave bacon is actually edible. Dang, now I want bacon too....

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