I haven't drawn you all a picture in ages and I haven't made enough fun of Rich White People in South Florida who have no taste whatsoever, in even longer. Frankly, I have some catching up to do. I can only be all self-helpy for so long before I start to have wicked thoughts. This is because there are two mes - a good me and an evil me and they are constantly engaged in a struggle for dominance. This all came about because I was raised partially by religious fanatics and partially by criminals, and one day I will devote a post to how I am not bi-polar, but surprisingly balanced because of it. Today is not that day. Today is the day that I make fun of expensive shoes.
All summer long, everywhere I look I see Rich White Women daintily stepping out of Ferraris, Bentleys and convertible Mercedes' (S class only please) in tiny little ballet flats with crinkly backs and gigantic metal medallions on the toes. They seem to come in all colors and all textures. Some are even made out of real animal hair that is inexplicably dyed to look like the hair of other animals instead of the animal from which it actually came.
Everyone is wearing these shoes. For a while I couldn't figure out what they were. I wanted to know. Mainly I wanted to know because I wondered how this particular shoe managed to transcend the many sub-classifications of Rich White Women. Surely you didn't think all Rich White Women were the same, because they aren't. There are the old, bridge playing WASP ladies in Chanel suits and pearls. There are the 19 year old, tanorexic concubines and there are the 30-40 year old botoxed, fake-titted, tummy tucked mothers who drive Range Rovers. There are also the 60-70 year olds who do everything in their power to emulate the 19 year old concubines. Additionally we have the young WASP set who wear Lily Pulitzer and belong to the Junior League. Normally, these women do not wear the same shoes, so you can imagine my surprise upon seeing them all wearing these curious flats. I had to know what the shoe was.
Finally I overheard one, dear young lady discussing her shoes with another dear young lady who was not wearing the shoes and the mystery was solved. The are the Tory Burch Revas. Apparently these shoes are so sought after and so trendy at the moment that the snotty women in the dear young lady's pilates class would not even speak to her until she showed up in a pair. Suddenly, everyone wanted to be her friend. And all because of crinkly backed flats emblazoned with a 15 pound discus on each toe. I wish someone could explain to me how this works because I am perplexed, but then again, I'm really not.
When I was in middle school there was always a new shoe or a new sneaker that everyone HAD TO HAVE and God forbid that you did not have the right kind of shoe or the most current brand of sneaker, you were labeled as pariah forever. I never had the right kind of shoe. I remember wondering back then even, who decided which shoe it would be? I mean was there some empress of popular girls who arbitrarily chose a new shoe when too many people wore the old shoe? How did it all work? I never did figure it out. Back then I remember longing for a pair of K-Swiss. Then it was Tretorns. Then everyone started wearing these shoes they called Hikers and my mom called Earth Shoes. I thought this all disappeared around high school when I started wearing Converse high tops and army boots and decided that the popular people could be damned because my parents would never buy me the shoe du jour anyway.
Apparently, this has not disappeared at all and many women spend their entire lives stuck in a perpetual middle school state of mind. These women are so insecure and so frenzied to follow that they would probably wear a Chewbacca costume if someone told them that the Chewbacca suit was thousands of dollars, extremely rare and that everyone in Paris was wearing them. In a few weeks the streets of New York, Miami and LA would be crowded with shaggy brown Wookies carrying Louis Vuitton purses and wearing Tory Burch Revas. And we all know how hot a Chewbacca suit would be in Miami, but that wouldn't stop them for a second. Suddenly the sightings of the skunk ape would increase, but they would all be false alarms - nothing but some Rich White Ladies crossing Alligator Alley to go shop in Naples for the weekend. Eventually, poor women would start wearing knock-off gorilla suits and the trend would lose its luster, replaced by the next big fad - tall, pointy witch hats or something equally as ridiculous.
Tory Burch must be having quite a laugh. I can just picture her at some swank dinner party in some New York loft after having had a few too many glasses of wine, laughing with some of her very stylish, cutting edge friends who inherited loads of cash from their old money parents.
"Tory, darling. You really should do a flat. My feet have been hurting in these pointy toed Manolos." her friend would say.
"Ughh. Manolos are so over. So Sex & The City. So '99. The checkout girls in Banana Republic are even wearing them now." another would add.
"Brilliant Idea!" announces Tory, "I wonder how a flat would look with a cd stuck on top of it!"
"A certificate of deposit?"
"No darling, a compact disc. Now that we don't use them anymore, surely we must find a use for them. There must be oodles of cds laying around. I'll put them on shoes! And, furthermore - I will make the backs of the flats look exactly like crimped pie crust!"
"Pie crust? Tory you're a genius. A genius I tell you!"
Then they would all erupt in peals of laughter and go on to make millions.
Above I have gone all split screen on you - depicting first a typical South Florida woman (and they all look pretty much exactly like her) wearing her Tory Burches with her Bermuda Shorts and her "Trapeze" (I mean MATERNITY) top and carrying an enormous purse. On the other side, you have a close up of the shoe with it's medallion and pie crust back.
Should you too wish to purchase a pair of these shoes, I'm sure Ms. Burch would appreciate your business. Go HERE for the perfect shoe to match your Chewbacca suit.
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