Monday, August 06, 2007

South Florida Trend Watch - THE Shoe of the Moment

I haven't drawn you all a picture in ages and I haven't made enough fun of Rich White People in South Florida who have no taste whatsoever, in even longer. Frankly, I have some catching up to do. I can only be all self-helpy for so long before I start to have wicked thoughts. This is because there are two mes - a good me and an evil me and they are constantly engaged in a struggle for dominance. This all came about because I was raised partially by religious fanatics and partially by criminals, and one day I will devote a post to how I am not bi-polar, but surprisingly balanced because of it. Today is not that day. Today is the day that I make fun of expensive shoes.

All summer long, everywhere I look I see Rich White Women daintily stepping out of Ferraris, Bentleys and convertible Mercedes' (S class only please) in tiny little ballet flats with crinkly backs and gigantic metal medallions on the toes. They seem to come in all colors and all textures. Some are even made out of real animal hair that is inexplicably dyed to look like the hair of other animals instead of the animal from which it actually came.

Everyone is wearing these shoes. For a while I couldn't figure out what they were. I wanted to know. Mainly I wanted to know because I wondered how this particular shoe managed to transcend the many sub-classifications of Rich White Women. Surely you didn't think all Rich White Women were the same, because they aren't. There are the old, bridge playing WASP ladies in Chanel suits and pearls. There are the 19 year old, tanorexic concubines and there are the 30-40 year old botoxed, fake-titted, tummy tucked mothers who drive Range Rovers. There are also the 60-70 year olds who do everything in their power to emulate the 19 year old concubines. Additionally we have the young WASP set who wear Lily Pulitzer and belong to the Junior League. Normally, these women do not wear the same shoes, so you can imagine my surprise upon seeing them all wearing these curious flats. I had to know what the shoe was.

Finally I overheard one, dear young lady discussing her shoes with another dear young lady who was not wearing the shoes and the mystery was solved. The are the Tory Burch Revas. Apparently these shoes are so sought after and so trendy at the moment that the snotty women in the dear young lady's pilates class would not even speak to her until she showed up in a pair. Suddenly, everyone wanted to be her friend. And all because of crinkly backed flats emblazoned with a 15 pound discus on each toe. I wish someone could explain to me how this works because I am perplexed, but then again, I'm really not.

When I was in middle school there was always a new shoe or a new sneaker that everyone HAD TO HAVE and God forbid that you did not have the right kind of shoe or the most current brand of sneaker, you were labeled as pariah forever. I never had the right kind of shoe. I remember wondering back then even, who decided which shoe it would be? I mean was there some empress of popular girls who arbitrarily chose a new shoe when too many people wore the old shoe? How did it all work? I never did figure it out. Back then I remember longing for a pair of K-Swiss. Then it was Tretorns. Then everyone started wearing these shoes they called Hikers and my mom called Earth Shoes. I thought this all disappeared around high school when I started wearing Converse high tops and army boots and decided that the popular people could be damned because my parents would never buy me the shoe du jour anyway.

Apparently, this has not disappeared at all and many women spend their entire lives stuck in a perpetual middle school state of mind. These women are so insecure and so frenzied to follow that they would probably wear a Chewbacca costume if someone told them that the Chewbacca suit was thousands of dollars, extremely rare and that everyone in Paris was wearing them. In a few weeks the streets of New York, Miami and LA would be crowded with shaggy brown Wookies carrying Louis Vuitton purses and wearing Tory Burch Revas. And we all know how hot a Chewbacca suit would be in Miami, but that wouldn't stop them for a second. Suddenly the sightings of the skunk ape would increase, but they would all be false alarms - nothing but some Rich White Ladies crossing Alligator Alley to go shop in Naples for the weekend. Eventually, poor women would start wearing knock-off gorilla suits and the trend would lose its luster, replaced by the next big fad - tall, pointy witch hats or something equally as ridiculous.

Tory Burch must be having quite a laugh. I can just picture her at some swank dinner party in some New York loft after having had a few too many glasses of wine, laughing with some of her very stylish, cutting edge friends who inherited loads of cash from their old money parents.

"Tory, darling. You really should do a flat. My feet have been hurting in these pointy toed Manolos." her friend would say.

"Ughh. Manolos are so over. So Sex & The City. So '99. The checkout girls in Banana Republic are even wearing them now." another would add.

"Brilliant Idea!" announces Tory, "I wonder how a flat would look with a cd stuck on top of it!"

"A certificate of deposit?"

"No darling, a compact disc. Now that we don't use them anymore, surely we must find a use for them. There must be oodles of cds laying around. I'll put them on shoes! And, furthermore - I will make the backs of the flats look exactly like crimped pie crust!"

"Pie crust? Tory you're a genius. A genius I tell you!"

Then they would all erupt in peals of laughter and go on to make millions.

Above I have gone all split screen on you - depicting first a typical South Florida woman (and they all look pretty much exactly like her) wearing her Tory Burches with her Bermuda Shorts and her "Trapeze" (I mean MATERNITY) top and carrying an enormous purse. On the other side, you have a close up of the shoe with it's medallion and pie crust back.

Should you too wish to purchase a pair of these shoes, I'm sure Ms. Burch would appreciate your business. Go HERE for the perfect shoe to match your Chewbacca suit.


Anonymous said...

It's amazing how people are like cattle. It takes no imagination whatsoever to follow a crowd. Life is easy when does not have to think for themselves. The shoes are quite ugly. But then, I usually think that about all rich-girl styles. The crinkly part in back might be useful. Maybe it protects from blisters? No break in period? The cd's on top are RIDICULOUS!!

fellow dmb fan.

MP said...

Thanks for the heads up! I am in Missouri..which is in the midwest..which also is the last place to get anything trendy. I've never heard or seen these shoes before. Here in the midwest the latestest tred are crocs..which I believe have been on the left and right coast for what..2 years. I saw warm fuzzy lined crocs at the store this weekend. I'm sure those will be the midwest range this fall!
I have mules..they are very cute w/ a little heel. When I find a pair that fits I get one in blue, brown and black so they fit all my outfits! Mules are so 2002 aren't they?
Oh well...I'm from the midwest, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!
I'll be you those discus shoes will show up by late 2008..I'll keep my eye out for the Target knock offs!

lala said...

f**king ballet shoes everywhere! i absolutely love flats, but those are gaudy as hell. from where do you think she stole that medallion design? "oh, dahling i found it on my trip to the mayan ruins" blech

Anonymous said...

The shoe designers at "Payless Shoe Source" must really have their finger on the button....check these out- an exact knockoff!

I saw them in there the other day and thought they were hideous! I had no idea they were modeled after the "Hottest shoe of the season".

So, so bad. Those "Crocs" shoes are a big trend out here in LA as well. I think they look like gardening glo gardening shoes.

Mim said...

HOLY GEEZ. Those pieces of crap are $200? That is absolutely ridiculous. I could go down to Payless and get the exact same thing for $10.

Heather said...

not a fan of ballet flats. they make my legs look stumpy. thinking about it, most people look stumpy in them. i'll stick with my doc martens and my birkenstocks.

i used to work in a nursing home. you should see the feet of some of those women. i guarantee that the worst feet belong to women who wore high heels most of the time. i like fashion, but i'd like to walk in my old age, thank you very much.

elise said...

Oh, but the Rich Women would KNOW whether or not you got it from Payless. Payless would never work, dahling.

This is so funny, because another blog I read and love did a bit of a satire on these stupid Tory Burch flats just the other day. It's really amusing, watching people flock to one item or another. One commenter over there said that the "medallion" looks suspiciously like a swastika. Yes? Yes.

I guess it's Nazi Chic.

Subservient No More said...

Elise who?? I would love the link so I can read someone else's take. Plus, if its a blog you love I'd like a new read too.

Architect Critic said...

Yeah, I just don't get it. Of course, I'm a guy. I'm a guy with way too many shoes. But, all of my different shoes serve a different function - looks are secondary. There are the nice work shoes, the tennis shoes, hiking boots, sandals, cycling shoes. . .

My newest pair are at least one year old, though. As long as they aren't falling apart, they are still good. Why buy new if the old still works? My wife has fewer pairs than I do.

We certainly aren't poor, but I guess we're just not rich enough to understand. Thank God.

Great post.

Bri said...

I clicked on the faux giraffe one to get a closer look and it said "printed calf hair exterior" eeewww! Why would you pay $225 for this?! I have seen similar ones at Payless and I still wouldn't buy them.
The only thing I remember buying just because it was a fad in grade school were all the Hello Kitty dodads like pencils and stickers and such. Oh, and my mom wouldn't buy me a Trapper Keeper, even though I desperately wanted one. She said it was ridiculous to spend that much money on a binder.

elise said...

Ah, for those who are interested, the link to the other blog showcasing the silliness of these flats is as follows:

Enjoy! I know I did.

Kandace said...

Holy crap those ugly thangs are $200!! What a waste! Totally enjoying your blog!!

Rabrab said...

Those are some seriously ugly shoes.
Ugly enough that I wouldn't wear them if you (or anyone else,) paid me to.

But then, like mp, I'm in the midwest, so what do I know from trendy shoes?

Zu said...

Good you, evil you - love 'em both.

As for the shoes? Bleh, they're hideous. My favorites have always been Converse All-Stars and I do have a ton of them. I guess its a good thing I'm not rich and shallow, I would(happily) never fit in.

Anonymous said...

I like the "evil" you

Lena said...

AGH! I wondering what exactly those were! I work in the wealthiest part of Dallas and so over the pompous and pretentious rich and their label seeking lives! I'll be a regular for sure!

mooky said...

Hehe! These have got to be the ugliest shoes next to Crocs. I see these on all the middle-aged women stopping at Whole Foods on their way to their summer homes on Cape Cod. Gag.

Colleen said...

You think the regular flats are bad- check out the new pointy toe version! I honestly can't imagine what purpose these serve, aside from winding up as a costume piece for a wicked queen in a very well-budgeted low-talent community musical.*1*24*-1*-1*-1*28

Whiskeymarie said...

I think we were separated at birth. I coveted Tretorns and K-Swiss back in the day, but also migrated to Docs and Chucks instead as they were cheaper and expressed my "individuality" in the way that only mass-produced products really can.

You are my smarter, Jewish, Hot-weather living, Schitt-dating doppelganger.
And you love monkeys.
I think I love you. In a totally not gay way, I think.

Dave said...

Your "chewbacca" comment reminds me of that great "I Love Lucy" episode where Lucy is dying to get some ridiculous paris designer fashions no matter how much Ricky argues against it. Finally, he has some burlap sacks sewn into dresses and a horse feed bag made into a hat for her with the designers labels sewn in. The twist is the designer sees the dresses and steals the design! Fashion is Foolish! For a look at the dress and the complete story see

Kiera said...

Okay, I was already totally snorting at the description of these idiotic shoes, but then when you went on to describe the whole Chewbacca costume thing I really lost it. That is my fantasy. How can we make it happen?

Tere said...

I HATE those friggin' medallion shoes!

And, I own a pair of flats that have a crinkly back and let me tell you: uncomfortable as hell! They squeeze the heel to death.

misha said...

great. just when i updated my heel wardrobe i need to buy $200 closed flip-flops just to fit in. Sigh... They are just too expensive to wind up as a chew toy. But they would make a good one

EmmaK said...

ballet flats really don't look good on anyone, save maybe ballet dancers! luckily I am old enough not to be a dedicated follower of fashion and also I live in Baltimore a place where fashion doesn't really exist.

Catherine Elizabeth said...

I noticed the exact same trend in Manhattan this spring - it's still going strong.

Miss Edith said...

Equestrian orange is one of the color choices for the standard Reva ballet flat. Mind, I showed horses for many years, and never, ever saw that shade as an acceptable color for attire, either for horse or for rider. Granted, it's been a while since I've attended a horse show, but I can't imagine that that world -- conservative as it is -- would find that shade of orange an acceptable color.

Anonymous said...

The same trend is here in Philly this year. I saw a woman i work with wears them (she has multiple pairs) with her lily pulitzer outfits. Ugh. It looks awful. She just looks short and fat. And it's a totally unprofessional look to wear to an office where most people still wear suits.

Leonesse said...

Imagine your hubbys ex telling you that she spent $6000 last year on clothes for her only daughter. (can't imagine what she spends on her toddler son) And no, she isn't rich, just expecting us to pay for it. She has several pair like these, but not this designer. And an overflowing closet. AND she is still expecting school clothes. And makes fun of what others wear (or hairstyles), even though she wore it about 3 months before.

She is being raised like she is Paris Hilton and it is sickening.

molly said...

Well said, my friend. My feelings about the Revas have been documented, so you know where I stand (hint: not on TB flats).

About Me

Blog Archive