Tuesday, August 14, 2007

LOOK!! WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE!!



I am pleased to bring you this year's very first Cone of Death. Isn't it cute? Oh my God. The world is going to end. There is a minimal tropical storm 3,000 miles away. Commence panic immediately.


You see, down here in South Florida, we are accustomed to a heightened sense of drama at all times. We enjoy this. From speculation on Castro's health and/ or death, millionaires having sex with their daughters (yes for real), people getting mauled by alligators, D-list celebrities falling over dead, corrupt politicians and people arriving on rafts, to so many bizarre news stories that I can't even think of one to put in this list, South Florida is used to wildness and weirdness. When we don't have some scandal or theatrics going on we miss it. We get bored easily. South Floridians love nothing more than a good national news story taking place down here. That way we can all stalk the reporters and try to get on TV, because South Florida is basically a community consisting of millions of multi-ethnic drama queens who thrive on disaster and excitement. Please note that I am absolutely counted within those millions.
Lately we've been bored out of our minds. You have no idea how calm and uninteresting South Florida has been since the Anna Nicole thing blew over. We are totally jealous of China, who has all kinds of scandal right now and it's not fair. Perhaps the dullest profession in our area right now is that of weatherman/ meteorologist. The poor employees at the Hurricane Center had to drum up a brief brouhaha and oust their director because they had so little work to do. I bet they sit around and read blogs all day just praying that it'll rain somewhere in the Carribbean so they can fire up the reconaissance plane and take it on a joyride.
The weathermen on the news are ready to slice their throats from the dullness of their existence. In the summer our weather is exactly the same every day. It's really hot, really humid and it rains between 4 and 6 in the evenings, then it stops, and then it's even more humid. There is no variation. Sure, one day it might be 92 and another it might be 97, but once it gets that hot who really cares? The weathermen are so bored that they should just prerecord a weather report, play it every day, and go summer in the Hamptons. Except, they can't do that because there could be a hurricane and they could get to go stand out in the storm, gripping a palm trunk, pretending that they are about to get blown away. The sad part is, I understand.
I too want a hurricane. I'm bored. I want to make chili and wait for rain bands while staying glued to the TV for hourly updates. I want to see all the panickers rushing to the grocery store for water and bread. Imagine my joy when something FINALLY happened out there in the Atlantic.
First we had a "disturbance." Then it became Tropical Depression #4 and we perked up. Now it is Tropical Storm Dean. We are all secretly praying "please let it come here."
Jim Cantore is already getting his tight tee shirts ready. I will keep you updated.
My friend already called to tell me she saw an old man buying cases of bottled water in Publix.

25 comments:

Subservient No More said...

I don't know what's wrong with the damn alignment. I swear I put spaces in between paragraphs twice.

NicoleinAZ said...

97 degrees? Get over yourself! Come to AZ and visit me where its 118 degrees and you burn your backside off getting into your car at the end of the day. You can't touch the steering wheel to drive home so you learn how to drive with your fingertips. Now THAT is hot!

P.S. My kids literally boiled an egg on the sidewalk this summer.

Subservient No More said...

I always wanted to see an egg boiled on the sidewalk. When I was little I longed to do this, but it wasn't hot enough.

MP said...

Umm, come to Missouri. We are at 104 today.
I didn't know you had a cone headed your way, and the weather freak that I am I'm disspointed in myself.
I knew about Flossie, the hurricane that sounds like a cow that is going to hit Hawaii.
I love what the weather does, it says,
"so you SOB's want to live in paradise..well then you are going to have to pay by having this CRAP weather that is worse than any other part of the country"...
I say that then we get some crazy ass tornado or something for no good reason..I think that is punishment for digging the hell out of thunderstorms.
We get ice storms...they just MENTION it on the forcast and people are out buying french toast ingredents.(milk, bread and eggs)
Hopefully the cone gives you great TV watching BUT you get to keep the house :-)

Subservient No More said...

I'm not complaining about the heat you all. I am merely mentioning it because that's the temperature it has been. I know it's way hotter elsewhere in the country now. Heat doesn't bother me. I'm used to it. Now if it gets down to 70, I'll bust out the peacoat.

Charlotte said...

I should come visit South Florida sometime...drama queens can be fun.

Eric said...

The weather man bit made me think of Steve Martin's Whacky weatherman in LA Story.
BTW happy Birthday Steve

Anonymous said...

you really want a hurricane..you're nuts. you can have that storm and any other storm, as long as it stays away from here. btw, i'm from new orleans, nuff said.

Subservient No More said...

There are always going to be the people who just don't get satire and who take every word literally.

frogs said...

Your post cracked me up. I had to laugh. I lived in South Fl for six years and I totally know what you mean. Last year I was waiting for something to happen. Living there and seeing everyone go into the gas/food/water panic was always complete insanity. I imagine they will start lining up at Publix soon and all the water will be gone by the weekend as will the gas. I was always the one at Publix loading up on wine the day before the storm. Hell, if a hurricane was going to hit, I was going to have some fun out of it and being slightly drunk just seemed to make more sense.
Oh and for anyone who has never been in a South Fl summer--it's not really the heat that stinks down there, but the humidity. 97 degrees with 100% humidity is just awful. The air feels like soup. It is so heavy it's hard to breathe sometimes.

Leonesse said...

I lived in the Phoenix area for 15 years. I will take this sweltering heat at 80 over that any day.

Erica D. said...

How exciting.

Let's all hope for death cones.

I think the paragraph spacing is a sign.

Melissa said...

I completely understand. I live in South Georgia and long for the excitement of a strong storm. Nothing interesting ever happens here. Send the cone this way when you're done with it.

MamaD4 said...

At least all those skinny little ladies with enormous purses will have something to climb into and float around in...

Mile High Pixie said...

SNM, you just know that Jim Cantore gets such a stiffy when this time of year rolls around and he can look all swarthy on camera while getting the crap kicked out of him by a Category 28 'cane. Everyone else at Weather Channel looks terrified, but Cantore's practically doing air guitar to Foghat when it's his turn to report from the centerline of the Cone of Death. However, if he starts broadcasting from your neighborhood, run like hell. If you need a place to hide, we have never had a hurricane here in Colorado in recorded history. Drive safe, now!

Eric said...

OH Yeah! I forgot to mention, you ever see on Fark.com they have given Florida its own tag for the weirdness that takes place there.
When I was a kid I imagined it to be just like in Flipper. Idylic with friendly animals.
Cheers
Eric

gulfsidebo said...

i will be that "old man buying cases of water". i don't like those big storms. they scare the shit out of me. i fear for my house, my wife and kids, and worst of all...my home owner's insurance (which is of course like 60% of the rest of the Fl residents...the friggin state government plan...Citizens). I'm surrounded by water on 3 sides, 3 miles from the Gulf of Mexico and 1 mile from Boca Ciega Bay. Good for me...I'm not in a flood zone.........yet.

Anonymous said...

As sweltering hot as it is here in Dallas, TX, I sometimes find myself wondering how the human race survived all those millenniums without air conditioning.

I'd be dead right now without it!

Pumpkin said...

Lol!

Anonymous said...

SNM-
This is slightly off topic, but I was wondering if you could re-post some of your dating stories from the old blog? I was thinking specifically of the one where you compared something to squid. Or was it calimari? Same thing.
That was funny and I think your new readers would appreciate it, if you aren't saving it for the book.
Thanks for this great story. I start to laugh every time I think about it!

inspectorguy said...

If it makes you feel any better you are not the only one excited about this storm. My wife and I are hoping that it comes through and does unfathomable amounts of damage, but of course spares you and your family. I do not mean to offend anyone who could be rendered homeless, or possibly dead, but we make a lot of money off natural disasters. And that is legitimate money, it comes from helping people and not screwing them over.

Elizabeth said...

Lol! Esp. re: the tight t-shirts.

Anonymous said...

Here in Southern California, our weather people are just as bored. It's always the same thing. Sunny and warm in Summer, cool and cloudy in Winter. They yell "RAIN is coming...be prepared" and barely 1/4 inch drops. What a rainstorm! I should have covered the lawn furniture for that one. The traffic people are forever reminding drivers to slow down so you don't hydroplane in the slick oil. It's hysterical.

Anonymous said...

This is funny. My mom lives north of Port Charlotte (where Ivan hit), but is visiting us in Connecticut until next week. CNN has her already panicking that Dean COULD POSSIBLY MAYBE become a category 4 in the next 6 days. I said, Mom, get a grip. It COULD POSSIBLY MAYBE turn into a little rain storm in the next 6 days, too.

SavvySunshine said...

(Preface) Lord, when I ever happen to accidentally catch Channel 7 news, I always want to vomit.

(Actual comment) Yesterday Phil whateverhisnameis referred to Dean as a monster. A monster?!?! Have mercy. I must say that they thrive on creating this mass panic. Anyway, it has been too long since we've had a good storm. Last year was way boring.

Sunshine

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