Sunday, August 26, 2007

Last Night

Last night I was at the kosher sushi place and I realized that living here in South Florida, pretty much all I need to do to find material is just go outside and something is bound to happen.

I've been to the kosher sushi place twice in one week because it is just the most interesting, strangest mix of people I've ever seen gather in one place.

First you've got the Orthodox Jews who go there because there are so few restaurants where they can actually eat because of all their dietary restrictions. Then you have hookers, gold diggers, concubines and the Rich Old Men and Gym Guidos who love them. This group also frequents the kosher sushi place because anorexics and the men who want to fuck them live on sashimi.

I've often said that if you want to get rich quick in South Florida all you have to do is open a sushi restaurant. The Jewish people will flock there because fish is kosher and they've all gotten sick of gefilte and herring in sour cream by now and find themselves wanting something a little more glamorous and interesting. Then the anorexics and strippers and all varieties of rich people will practically form lines out the door because everyone wants to be skinny and sashimi has like three calories. Also, I think that the raw fish is nice and slippery so if you're bulimic, it's very easy to puke back up.

Now if you want to get rich really quickly - just place your sushi restaurant next to a strip club. You'll be a millionaire. Strippers eat nothing but sushi.

I think a lot of this sushi craze has to do not just with its lack of calories, but with a perceived sort of exoticism. Sushi is from Asia. You eat it with sticks. It contains all sorts of things not common to the traditional American diet of macaroni and Velveeta. It's pretty, and in the past it was considered very daring and almost avant garde to consume raw fish when most people were more used to having their fish breaded and deep fried in little sticks. This isn't so much the case now - at least not here where we have sushi bars on every other corner, but it used to be.

Also, sushi is sexy. You can't deny that there is something sexy about slipping the satiny, salty, pinkish slices of fish flesh between your lips. Eating sushi is like eating pussy.

But enough on the semiotics of sushi.

Last night some friends and I were at the kosher sushi place and it started to get really crowded. We represented the only table of just regular people. Everyone else was orthodox, which made us feel a little awkward. All the women had their head coverings and ankle length dresses and we swore the guy with the talis got seated ahead of us. I'm telling you. They have a rule in there - You're wearing a talis? Go to the head of the line!!

We were enjoying our meal and so were the hundred orthodox jews, 80% of whom were gigantically pregnant women who weren't even eating sushi but more or less just hanging out pregnantly and talking about pregnant things with each other. All of a sudden a group of hookers walks in.

Now you'd think this would cause a massive spectacle. The music would stop. Conversations would cease. Three women would go into premature labor and Chassidic men, shielding their eyes would rush to shoo the hookers away, but no. This is South Florida. No one did anything except me and my friends who just could not process the contrast before us.

The three hookers came with a six foot five, juiced beyond all reason, heavily tattooed Guido who looked like at some point he wanted to break into professional wrestling, but couldn't quite make it so instead he just hangs at the gym all day pushing illegal steroids. He was wearing white jeans, cowboy boots and a red Ed Hardy tee shirt, which seems to be the current rage in tacky tee shirts right now. Is it me or should men just not wear things with studs and rhinestones? I really think bedazzled tee shirts should be left to the realm of Greek grandmothers who paint the statues of Athena around their pools in life-like flesh tones.

The Big Guido didn't speak, but he did make sure to look at his sun dial sized, gold Rolex every three seconds. Maybe he was making sure it was still there. Maybe he was trying to figure out if it was really real or not.

The three hookers, who were not actual street walking hookers, but instead just dressed and acted like them, were close to 40 years old and were strangely stuck in the 80s. I find that often people get themselves stuck in the era that represents their hey days, and for these women the 80s, with all the cocaine, IROCs, freestyle music and Z. Cavariccis must have been wonderful. I'm sure the whole group regrets the downfall of acid washed denim. All of the hookers wore teeny, stretchy black mini dresses which I'm sure they kept from 1987 when Azzedine Alaia ruled the runways and permed girls everywhere coveted the little black dresses sported by Cindy Crawford and Linda Evangelista.

The Head Hooker commenced telling everyone who would listen that in 1985 she was a Playboy Playmate and she had the pictures on her hot pink phone to prove it. Her two minions nodded and chewed gum. All of them wore red kabbalah strings. Everyone ordered mass amounts of sashimi. My friend commented astutely that it looked like Head Hooker mistook brownie mix for pressed powder when applying her makeup. The other two had simply subsituted kitchen grout for foundation.

A few minutes later one of the Orthodox men made an announcement.

"Anyone CHH-as a Jaguar? Someone is towink a Jaguar!"

All three hookers flew up and went outside in hysterics. Several Orthodox Jews followed. I don't know why.

"I told them dumb bitches not to fuckin' park there." said the Big Guido to his yellow-tail.

I took this as my cue to go outside and get involved because this seemed exciting. The hookers' Jag was getting towed from out in front of the kosher sushi place. How could I not go watch? I love things that aren't my business and have nothing to do with me.

The hooker who used to be a Playmate started having a fit. She called the tow truck man terrible names. He called her worse ones back. She said she'd move the car. He said it was too late and if she wanted him to release her car she had to give him a hundred bucks. She stormed back inside to get the Guido who said he told her not to park there and she should have listened.

"Tony you fuckin' dumb piece of shit!!" she yelled and stomped back inside nearly twisting her ankle in its five inch lucite heel.

She went outside and argued with the tow truck man more.

Then. Then...The Rabbi came outside and he wasn't playing.

The Rabbi wanted the tow truck man to leave his customers alone. The Rabbi was not pleased one bit. The tow truck man was not swayed at all. They argued. The hookers screamed and swore. The Rabbi said that the Tow Truck Man was a nasty person. The Tow Truck Man wanted cash.

The tow truck man would not budge. The hookers tried to bargain. The Rabbi became increasingly more and more angry.

"If you do not release this car right now and leave these women alone you will be very sorry!!" said the Rabbi.

"Oh yeah?" said the Tow Truck Man, "I bet I will."

The Tow Truck Man laughed.

Suddenly, the street lights flickered and veins of jagged lightning ripped the black sky followed by deafening booms and cracks of thunder. We all jumped out of our skin, but no one was as scared as the Tow Truck Man, who turned pale and began to sweat. He looked around nervously and the sky roared once more.

The Tow Truck Man, apparently believing himself to now be the object of the wrath of God, unhooked the Jaguar and drove away without another word. The hookers moved their car and everyone went back inside to eat raw fish.

Back inside I noted that only in South Florida could one see a Rabbi tell off a tow truck driver on behalf of three hookers. How's that for diversity?


Anonymous said...

"Eating sushi is like eating pussy."

OMFG, you almost owed me a new keyboard.

I have to learn not to read your blog while eating or (especially) drinking soda.

As always, you rock, honey!!!

Big virtual hugs, Sunny

Mile High Pixie said...

Baahahahaaa! That is awesome! Only in South Florida can a rabbi defend three hookers and no one bats an eye! Baahahaa!!

Leonesse said...

I just LOVE your stories. I know I should put more of my own down, but it was just getting depressing not having normal people to look at.

And I am with anonymous. That is the best description ever.

Anonymous said...

You have a great site here. I love that you post so often. A lot of sites ought to be called "slogs", not blogs. They only post every 2 weeks or so.

So, I just wanted you to know that I love your blog and your stories.


Anonymous said...

Awesome writing, simply awesome.

Love your stories! Even more, love the way YOU tell them!

A Margarita said...

LOL, I don't comment that often, but you are HILARIOUS. Only real life is that funny, and you capture it perfectly.

amy said...

So, does the rabbi own the sushi place? Or was he just getting involved out of a sense of duty?

Good story. We have ultra trendy sushi places on every street corner here, too. What galls me is that you can find decent sashimi anywhere you go, but any other Japanese food is as allusive as the Holy Grail. Even places that have it on the menu can't execute it for shit.

gulfsidebo said...

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!

Subservient No More said...

Amy, I'm not sure who owns it, but the Rabbi is always there.

The food isn't Japanese, but they do have what everyone says is really good sushi. They also have a lot of vegetarian and vegan food too and it's all surprisingly good. That night my friends were all going crazy over how good the sushi was, but I had a veggie pasta dish that was amazing because I don't like fish. They even have really good desserts. I had blood orange sorbet.

So my point is, yeah they have good sushi but no Japanese food other than that, so I know exactly what you're talking about.

faded said...

We have witnessed the highest heights of civilized cooperation or the total depths of compromise and depravity. I cannot tell which. But it sure is interesting, what ever it is.

sadi said...

What a great story! I love this blog, keep up the great work!

misha said...

fucking awesome story. it was so nice of that rabbi to help us ;)

Anonymous said...

HOT...hysterically funny... HOT

MP said...

I never realized how "trendy" Florida could be, or is it just Jewish. Here in my town we have an invisible line..if you are NOT Jewish you really don't cross it..let alone shop or live in "their area" hubby dared to go to the same hs..which was 50/50 Jewish and Christian.
This being said you had me baffeled at "kosher sushi"...
The hookers..Oh yeah, they go to the bar on Thursday nights in our town. I went to HS with some of them.

Anonymous said...

LOVE it! You are too damn funny!

suicide_blond said...

I was recently in south fla for an extended trip..i have no doubt..that EVERYTHING happened just as you wrote it!!
wrath of god jagged lightening!!

Miss Kitty said...


I will have to share your observations on sushi and cunnilingus with my boyfriend. LOL!

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