Friday, August 31, 2007

Introducing...The Lovely Velva Haux

I've been spending a lot of time at my parents' house, Casa dei Sogni, as of late. They don't live in Casa Azul anymore. I've been coming over here more lately because it has been 7,000 degrees every day and hasn't rained in what seems like weeks, and my parents have a pool. When you go outside it feels like you are not IN the sun, but rather ON the sun. And I know it's really hot other places. By discussing my own area's heat I am in no way disenfranchising your own right to be extremely hot too. I understand. We are all hot.

So today I got done doing what I had to do fairly early and come over to swim in my parents' pink pool. Yes I said pink pool. My mother wanted to be unique. She envisioned it to be like swimming inside a conch shell, so now instead of having a regular old blue pool like everyone else, our family has a pink pool. With the water in it, it looks kind of lavenderish.

When I walk in the door I see none other than...get ready...THE HEAD HOOKER!!! The one who had her Jag almost towed at the kosher sushi place. I was only a little bit surprised because chances are if you are a lunatic in this town you will at some point end up at Casa dei Sogni telling my mother your entire life story. It's one of the inevitibilities of local insanity. Rich, poor, gay, straight, white, black or asian - if you are strange you will end up at this house. There is a wacko magnet mosaiced into the floor in the foyer.

The Head Hooker's name is Velva Haux. She lives in a gigantic house on the water in my parents' new neighborhood Basura Del Este (more on this later too). She made lots of money when she divorced her husband some years back and is now apparently running an escort service. So see, my initial judgment was accurate after all. They were hookers. Velva's new husband is the guido Tony who told her not to park in the no parking zone. She informed me that he doesn't like people he doesn't know and that he has decided that he already knows enough people, so he pretty much doesn't like anyone.

Velva Haux met my parents when they were all out walking dogs on the cobbled streets of Basura del Este, and of course they hit it off. Today Velva was visiting because she had to give my mom the business card of her cabinet guy. Instead she accidentally gave my mom the business card of her escort service, but neither realized it until Velva left.

Afterwards my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"I have no idea. How can I know what I want for Christmas when we haven't even gotten through Rosh Hashanah yet? Jeez." I said.

Things are getting interesting around here.


Leonesse said...

There is one big thing you have that I don't. A fucking awesome mother. I do, however, have a fucking awesome redneck father. (In this case, do NOT mistake redneck for stupid. He is a very intelligent man who happily lives just like a redneck.)

I am looking forward to hearing more about this new development!

Sauntering Soul said...

I can't believe the stuff that happens to you! Your mom is hangin' with the Head Hooker. That's a sentence that will most likely never come out of my mouth with respect to my mom.

Conundrum said...

You have an absolutely unbelievable life but the real key is that you have awesome powers of observation, a skill at reading people beyond description and writing skills par excellance.

keep it coming my dear SNM

Pumpkin said...

Seriously, the more I hear about your mum and dad, the more I have to exclaim out loud , they are incredibly cool folk!
And you lass, well, I don't know that many folk who would take things like this in their, even though I don't know you personally ofcourse, are one of the first things I've been telling friends and family to check out.
Reading your blog is like having a story read to me in school...I only get one chapter a day and I'm desperate to hear what happens the next day, but better, because there's no end to this book....addictive!!!!

ps, in Scotland, the weather isn't nice enough to have pools...however, if we did, I love the idea of a pink much more fun!

Have a great weekend!!!

pps, have just read the second Khaled Housseini book and can tell you, you don't have to have read either book to love and enjoy the other!

Mile High Pixie said...

Wait, "getting" interesting? There's no "getting" interesting around you, SNM; your action is consistently interesting, amusing, and wonderfully recorded. Bless you for having a life worth writing about.

Now if only I can find someone in Denver who gives hacked-up-dollar-bill manicures....

Anonymous said...

Haux? Too damned funny.

hepsmom said...

I hate to be rude, but am I the only one who thought I had my Velva Haux checked last time I saw my gynecologist? That has got to be one of the best names EVER!

Anonymous said...

I love the names that you give to your characters! Velva sounds like a cross between "velvet" and a part of the female anatomy.

I don't think you could give that character a more descriptive or more amusing name if you sat up all night trying!

First Nations said...

This is going to be a looong comment. hold on.
you showed up over at my place a couple of days ago and you probably think you got overlooked. no, this is not so, my little red crested roof ranger! i linked back and i have been READING YOUR ARCHIVES EVER SINCE.
I would like to link to you in my next post and introduce you and your fantastic, fantastic stuff to this really deranged bunch of mad geniuses and Unabomber sex gods I blog with. whaddya say?
and btw, how in the HAIL did you find me?

Subservient No More said...

Sounds great to me!! I didn't think I got overlooked at all. I thought you were just amazing. I'm going to make all my readers go visit you too. And thank you!

I can't remember how I found you but it was a couple weeks ago I think. Probably someone else leaving me a comment and then they had linked to you. Maybe? I don't know, but I'm glad I found you anyhow.

Brandy said...

Basura! *snicker*

(Can't live in L.A. for decades without learning a smidge of the ol' espanol!)

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