Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Ghetto Superstar Awards 2007

I know I spend an inordinate amount of time making fun of rich people, because the rich people in this part of the world have so little taste and class that they are just hilarious to observe, but at the same time we also have a glut of equally ridiculous poor people. I know it's not politically correct to make fun of poor people, but dammit, when poor people engage in stupidity and ridiculousness their poverty does not exempt them from my writing about them.

See, the thing that's making our poor people ridiculous is that they are observing the rich people and trying unsuccessfully to emulate an idea of wealth. The rich people have not been good role models for the poor people at all, so you just get this dreadful mix of bad fashion, even worse decision making and all out horrendous behavior most of the time and it's all set to an annoying soundtrack of reggaeton. That basically sums up life in South Florida.

I live halfway between Heaven and the 'Hood. On one side I have glitz and glam, mega mansions that look like Italian wedding cakes and Ferraris zipping all over the place. Women who look like Barbie and Skipper step out of plastic surgery clinics and onto two million dollar yachts. Everyone sits in cafes and carries huge, expensive purses. A few blocks away (quite literally) we have one of the worst slums in all of South Florida where no one knows his daddy, everyone knows at least one person who's locked up (for something he didn't do naturally) and where 27 people all live in their grandma's house and since it's so crowded they all stand out in the street even when cars are coming. Kids are always getting shot, the police regularly run people over because they won't get out of the street, and dog fighting is a popular pastime.

I live in the metaphorical and physical middle of all this. I get to see both sides every day, and I have, in fact, lived both sides of it as well and both sides are equally insane. All I'm asking for is a nice happy medium of moderation and good sense. Is that too much to ask? Umm. Yes. I should probably go live in Minnesota or something because there is no moderation in South Florida.

So in the past week I have observed two of the most ghetto-assed things that I have ever seen in my entire life and I would hereby like to award them the Wide Lawns Ghetto Superstar Award for 2007. I realize that 2007 is not over yet, but I'm positive that I won't see anything else to rival either of these things.

The other night while driving home I saw an old Buick Regal totally pimped out to look like a Crown Royal bag. It was all purple with gold trim, purple and gold rims and purple upholstery with gold cord, exactly like a Crown Royal bag. If you need a visual go HERE. I do not, for the life of me, understand why someone would want to rig up an old ass Buick Regal, which I guarantee you belonged to his Grandma (the same one he lives with, with 26 other people). You have never seen the like of this car in your entire life. But that's not all. Not only was the car made to look like the bag my grandfather's whiskey came in, it was also jacked up to the height of an SUV, convertible, and equipped with speakers which nearly blew out my right ear drum as I drove past.

I wanted to take a picture, but the guy driving this monstrosity looked like he wouldn't hesitate to pop a cap in my ass should he notice me photographing his fine ride. I decided my life just wasn't worth it. You'll just have t tr to imagine what it looked like. I hope I see it again.

Now you just know that this fool spent all of his dog fight money on his car's conversion from Buick Regal to Crown Royal bag. I would bet my apartment on the fact that he has several children and is up to no good on a regular basis. I wonder if he's like the god of the ghetto in that thing. I bet the ladies all want a ride in that high up purple car, but I hope they all suck their teeth and call him a fool instead.

The Ghetto-Superstar Award 2007 Number two goes to the Chonga girls at my second favorite nail place.

I hate getting my nails done and will avoid it at all costs, but then my hands start looking like I work in the sugarcane fields all day and I break down and go. I get manicures at one of two places depending on where I am and my level of guilt.

The first nail place is called Nails by Asian Movie Stars. That isn't the exact real name for obvious reasons, but it is damned close. The real name is just as bad. I like the Vietnamese girls at this place. One of them has gone blonde. They don't do the best job, but I feel like they are all the indentured servants of the man who owns the place so I feel like I need to go there to give them the business. They're very sweet. There are four Asian Movie Stars - Gwyneth, Reese, Halle and Oprah. They are all really really into American tabloid culture. REALLY into it. They talk about movie stars like they know them which is why they named themselves after them.

One day I asked them why their changed their names. They said that in America everbody can be a movie star. Also no one could pronounce their names correctly and their names were too confusing. Gwyneth was finishing my french manicure so I asked her what her real name was.


I asked what Reese's name was.


"What about Halle?"


"So let me guess...Oprah's name is Tran too?"

They all had fits of laughter.

"NO!! You so silly! Oprah name is Phuoc."

They thought I was so funny thinking they all had the same name.

I love the Asian Movie Stars, but sometimes I go to Chonga ManiPedi instead. They actually do a better job, but it's a farther ride. Chonga ManiPedi is really, really, really ghetto, but the girls are extremely sweet and the manicures last longer than those by the Asian Movie Stars.

A couple weeks ago I was at Chonga ManiPedi suffering through a french manicure when one of the other technicians came and sat by me.

"Girl, I gots to show jew someteen, yo." she said.

Her name is Jacinta. She has a gold name plate necklace as well as gold hoop earrings displaying twice over that Jacinta is indeed her name in case you weren't positive based on the necklace alone. Jacinta is one of the best nail techs around. She's a nail artist - an innovator in acrylic. Nobody can airbrush like Jacinta.

"I got a new technique, but it's like ILLEGAL yo, so don't be tellin' nobody."

I assured her it was fine. I mean, what could be illegal about nails?

Jacinta has pioneered a new design for those very long, squared off acrylic fake nails adored by Ghetto Superstars everywhere. First she glues on the nail tip. Then she takes a dollar bill and cuts it up, careful to preserve the dollar signs, pyramid etc. in tact. Then she superglues the pieces of the dollar onto the nail and coats it with clear gel and buffs it so it looks like the nails are money under glass.

"I put the dollar sign on the middle so when jew flip somebody off you flippeen them off with money, yo!!"

All the other girls nodded in approval.

"Girl, jew gonna be a millionaire." my nail girl said to her.

Everyone was very impressed.

Now, to make the money nails really special, she superglues tiny rhinestones inside the eye of the pyramid and inside of George Washington's eyes. Then on the pinkies, she affixes a dangling gold charm in the shape of a dollar sign.

You have never seen something in worse taste in your life as the money nails, though I do credit her creativity and applaud her originality. Apparently I am the only person who feels the money nails are tacky because Jacinta now has people lining up for them. Last I heard she wanted to make a website for them but chickened out because she was afraid she would get in trouble with the goverment. I guess you aren't supposed to cut up money or something.

So if you really want to be stylin' in that Crown Royal Regal, please visit Jacinta and get some money on your nail tips.


Goober said...

Miss Thing might be totally ghetto but she is quite right that destroying US currency is in fact illegal.

Leonesse said...

Somehow I doubt that is the only illegal things she has done. Nor the worst.

I do not get my nails done. They are always so jerky and sometimes painful. I want something relaxing. So me, my drink, and the afterglow of a hot bath with a personal mani/pedi is what I love.

Mia said...

This is too much to bear! :)

A Margarita said...

Ooo, I'm originally from Hialeah. Ahh, I miss those nail parlors! I had one around the block from me, and I used to go to catch up on the neighborhood gossip, i.e. who had a new babydaddy and who was cheating on who. There's no other place where you can get a cafecito, buy illegal DVD's and get your nails done all at once.

If Jacinta made a website, I'm sure she'd be a millionaire.

Benjamin said...

Destroying US currency is perfectly legal; the law is against altering it so that it appears to be worth more.

Anonymous said...

OMG, i wish i could see a picture of those nails... i'll bet they look like a tabletop at joe's crab shack... just layers and layers of clear and shiny on top of whatever the hell is underneath.

that girl is an artistic genius.

and you, as usual, totally rock!

i'm glad you're having THE most fabulous life possible.


big virtual hugs, sunny

you *always* make my day.

Anonymous said...

I am rolling on the floor and laughing out loud. Exquistely written my dear. So funny and so real.

Green said...

Next time you come to this coast, let's go get our nails done.

MP said...

We really don't have anyone like Jacinta in our town..we do have the Asian nail salons. We have Kim, Kim and Maria. All from Vietnam. I LOVE going there..they all giggle when I cringe due to being ticklish while getting my pedi.
..and OH yeah, we have those Regals, but the dozen!

Miss Kitty said...

SNM, you have brought helpless laughter into my otherwise boring, pedestrian day!

You are also far more gutsy than I. I'm afraid to frequent mani/pedi places. A former student of mine (who is a cosmetologist coming back to school for her Bachelor's, no less) picked up a nasty toenail fungus a couple years ago at a place like that. Her horror story has made me stay home and do my own toenails...though I do love a good professional pedicure with paraffin wax & massage. Ahhhhh...

Anonymous said...

OMG!! I have seen that car before. It has to be the most ghetto thing ever.

SavvySunshine said...

I am SURE that I have seen the Crown royal car. I love those ghetto fab cars. I work on the edge of the ghetto and shop at a ghetto big blue devil (Walmart), so I see cars like that frequently. However, once in a while, one will stand out in all of it's ghetto fabulous glory. I like the one's where the paint changes color and sparkles.

Reminds me of the time when I was at college and someone had pimped out his bicycle. Yup, his bicycle. With a gold frame and gold, mulit-spoked rims. It was GREAT!


iambe said...

I really need to see a picture of that manicure!

Miss Kitty, the best way to avoid something like that is to bring your own tools. That way you KNOW they're clean.

Eric said...

Funny and I wasted an hour surfing around the urban dictionary and was actually able to apply the word Mouse Arrest today. So it was not a complete loss

Taryn said...

You need to take a picture of those money nails! It would so make my day.

AFC 30K said...

We moved away from paper pounds some time ago. I don't think they'd look as effective with sliced up bits of a pound coin.

I guess it's a fashion that we can't replicate this side of the pond unless we go to a £5 note...

Chiada said...

Whoah. So that's what I have to look forward to if I ever move to Florida? Actually, if I do, it'd be to the Cocoa Beach/Merrit Island/Port St. John area. I'd love to hear your take on that area! I've visited there a few times, but it seems like any other normal American city.

Anonymous said...

Counterpoint to goober-

Xerox machine. You save a dollar too. ;)

Anonymous said...

I read this blog consistantly and have never left a comment - but I can't stop laughing. When will you begin a manuscript and give me a whole book of your words? Thank you. I love the getto - but, the sushi hookers, ahhh!

Anonymous said...

Yo, like in high school? If you had a Royal Crown purple bag, man dat was COOL!

Girl, all I got to say 'bout purple daddy buick is man, he got his drivin' ON!!!

auronsgirl said...

I swear I think I've seen that Crown Royal car. It was also a Buick, jacked up, gold rims and convertible.

Maybe it's a trend we're just not hip to.

Deb said...

Oh lordy, thanks for the laughs this morning! Great writing, and thanks so much for visiting and leaving a comment at my place this weekend.
I'll be coming back for more of you and I'm looking forward to it :)

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