Sunday, August 12, 2007

Attack of the Gigantor Purse



Some time ago, I told you all about the frightening trend of gigantic purses which were swallowing the tiny, frail, eating disorder victims who coveted them dearly. These purses are an alarming problem here in South Florida and I have a feeling that the epidemic has spread to Southern California and New York as well. The purses are so big that the teeny weeny women who love them, can barely carry them. They are so enormous that they do not fit in the teeny weeny women's rich boyfriend's Lamborghinis. They must be stored in the trunk. I've heard rumors that many a sugar daddy has had to buy his concubine a Range Rover just so she has room for her pocketbook. Like I said, this is a terrible problem.

Finally, I have caught one of these massive bags on film. I was strolling down Cash Avenue (one of our finest shopping areas) when I saw this young lady struggling to heave her enormous purse into an exclusive boutique. She was quite excited when I approached her and offered to post her picture all over the Internet.

"Oh my God, I totally feel like Nicole Richie. This is like, amazing. AMAZING!! You seriously want a picture of me?? Wow. Yes!! It's totally OK." she replied and instantly started striking poses.

This may well be one of the biggest purses I have ever seen. I asked her if I could hold it for a second and she gladly obliged. I nearly dislocated my shoulder.

"What do you have in here??" I asked.

"Umm, you know. Nothing. Like my license and a Mac lip glass."

I peeked inside. She didn't even have a wallet. She had a couple hundreds floating around loose, a slender light tampon, the lip glass and a stick of bubblemint Orbit. That is it. It was mostly empty space, just like her head. Of course she could have fit several concrete blocks, the past five months worth of OK Magazine, three days worth of clothing complete with separate pairs of platform wedges, ALL of her makeup, a rat terrier, and probably herself. Then she'd have to hire someone to carry it for her, but I guess that would be within reason, right? You could totally get some illegal to carry your purse around while you shopped. You could just pick them up at the work line in the morning. It would be way better than working in the sugar cane fields or building houses in the hot sun. Jeez. Those people should be so lucky to get to carry some rich white girl's purse around all day.

And there you all go. Another peek into my world.

Should you all wish one of these monstrosities for yourself, the young lady in orange told me the purse was called "The Jasmine" and was from Coach. It is somewhere around $1,000.00 so it's a major bargain, and the only reason she was carrying this one was because she had been at the beach all morning and was just running out to get something to wear to dinner that night. In her words, it was her "schleppy" bag. I wonder what her evening bag looks like.

23 comments:

Bri said...

Please tell me you made this up. Please. Please. Please. 'Cuz if not, it's just too scary.

Subservient No More said...

Well, there's the picture.

Fianna said...

And my evening bag was a dollar from Goodwill....I may lose my girl card for this.

rabrab said...

That thing is the size of my picnic basket. But it goes really well with the seriously ugly shoes, though.

Charlotte said...

I have more stuff in my purse than that woman does...and my purse is way smaller than that. *shakes head* That's just too funny for words.

anya florida said...

What do such tiny women need with those damn big bags? Or is my asking that question further proof that i'm soon to lose my girl card? I could see the point of a teeny chick carrying an equally small bag, but not that monstrosity.

Pumpkin said...

Oh. My. God.
I have no more words!!!

gulfsidebo said...

I don't know how women walk around with those things.

JDogg said...

That bag is frightening. I love the orange shoes to match!

MP said...

I have a gigantor purse..which my husband paid wholesale for (industry perk)..You wouldn't believe the crap I have inside. Weather it's from Target, Walmart or the Big Bucks store in the mall. I HAVE to have the large purse. I smuggle food and drinks into the theater..when I was a young kid I used to smuggle booze into bars..I could loose a small child inside of it, my husband has trouble lifting it out of his way..YES, I am one of these people!!....at least my purse, shoes and dress don't match like the lady in the picture...I wonder if she has a purse in ever color?

Subservient No More said...

Oh, you KNOW she has a purse in every color and for every season. She was quite nice though. I must admit. She was very open to the whole experience.

Dave said...

The only good thing about designer handbags is that if you like them in a month or so perfect knock offs from China will begin to appear on Ebay for $99.99. You would think it would insult your intelligence tyo pay a Grand for that monstrosity!

nandy said...

I was trying to get a sense of proportion, and then I realized...the shadow the purse cast was AS LARGE AS the shadow of the girl. That's seriously big.

As a Mom, I have to say, I've carried some big purses around when my kids were young. Had to have everything possibly needed, in duplicate, LOL. But this takes the cake especially since she carries nothing in it.

Raven said...

I love the way it matches her flip flops.

Anonymous said...

AHAHA! I wish we could've seen her outfit. Was it orange too? I live behind the dreaded orange curtain here in the south oc. These rich people are insane. You know what I'm saying.

Subservient No More said...

I guess for proportion, look at how tiny her feet look.

Anonymous said...

That bag is crazy. But my brother's girlfriend has one just like it. She works for the company though and gets the bags cheap but honestly she's a teeny little woman and the bag looks ridiculous on her too, nor does she keep anything in it either. I wonder what the attraction to it is. I love my tiny purse that I shove as much as I can into.

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, she really needs to lighten up on the whole matchy-matchy thing.
I think I am physically unable to spend that much on a trendy-for-this-second purse.
A whole set of luggage, maybe. But one ugly purse? No.

Pumpkin said...

I'm glad you had a great weekend, and thankyou very much for the book suggestion...I'm checking it out on Amazon at the moment. As for 'The Kite Runner', it's is an incredible book, and if you wanted, I could send it to you...(I like sharing books with folk, much better than them spending a couple of months on my bookshelf), feel free to send me an email at k.feehan@talk21.com if you'd like me to send it, t'would be no problem at all!

Courtney said...

That thing looks like a picnic basket!

Anonymous said...

SNM, your social satire is spot on, as usual! Keep up the good work!

P.S. I got a great laugh at gulfsidebo's paraphrasing of Seinfeld....

Dila said...

Herm.. that is actually not as big as the one I sometimes saw around at my city.

But I like big bags too. Especially when I go to work (since my company does not allowed any personal items left at our office)I can stuff my make up, perfume, book, umbrella, organizer, purse, whatever device (gaming device or MP3 players) I have or my fiance asked me to hold for him...

Heh.. some of us really does carry their burden around at their shoulder.

p/s: That bag is kinda ok. Not something I would pay as much though.

Miss Souris said...

Who wants to feel like Nicole Richie anyway?

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