Sunday, January 29, 2012
Nasty-Assed Recipes - Superbowl Edition
Just in time, a week ahead of schedule actually, for the Superbowl what do I find but a supremely disgusting dip recipe. Admittedly, it's not as gross as last year's White Castle Dip. Not much can top that one and if I had to choose, like if there were a gun to my head, I'd eat this one over that one but only because there's no meat.
Cookie dough dip people.
You might think this sounds good but if you do you are Paula Deen.
Cream cheese, butter, all amounts of sugar, toffee, chocolate chips bleck. Yuck. Heavy, fatty overly sweet nastiness right there.
I'm of the mind that cookie dough is best made into cookies. I'll afford you ice cream. I don't like it but I get the idea. I sneaked bits of cookie dough as a child too and it was good. I'd still eat it but not as a dip, come on, and mixed with cream cheese. Gross.
But you can dip fruit in it, so it's healthy, right?
Who wants to volunteer to make it? Come on, I know I'm going to get comments saying how good this sounds.
And while I'm at it, who can top Cookie Dough Dip? Anyone have any more disgusting dip recipes for Superbowl? Leave them in the comments or email me at widelawns@gmail.com.
Here's the original recipe for Cookie Dough Dip.
Cookie dough dip people.
You might think this sounds good but if you do you are Paula Deen.
Cream cheese, butter, all amounts of sugar, toffee, chocolate chips bleck. Yuck. Heavy, fatty overly sweet nastiness right there.
I'm of the mind that cookie dough is best made into cookies. I'll afford you ice cream. I don't like it but I get the idea. I sneaked bits of cookie dough as a child too and it was good. I'd still eat it but not as a dip, come on, and mixed with cream cheese. Gross.
But you can dip fruit in it, so it's healthy, right?
Who wants to volunteer to make it? Come on, I know I'm going to get comments saying how good this sounds.
And while I'm at it, who can top Cookie Dough Dip? Anyone have any more disgusting dip recipes for Superbowl? Leave them in the comments or email me at widelawns@gmail.com.
Here's the original recipe for Cookie Dough Dip.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Packing Up
I'm reverse snow-birding it, people. I'm heading to the northeast in the winter, hoping for some snow and I'll likely be gone a month.
Here's the deal: my husband is working in New York now more than he isn't and we are so damned thankful that he has this job, you have no idea. However, it requires that I am alone a lot and I've been getting lonely. My parents are RVing around the country and I can't be all up in my sister's business constantly, so I thought, hmm. I know someone else who is alone in the winter and would love to have me around. MOMMOM! So the baby and I are going to stay with my grandmother in the town that I call Millpond, but which, BIG REVEAL, is actually Milford, Delaware of all places. So I will be in rural, southern Delaware with crappy internet and cell phone service and pretzel salad on menus for an extended period of time. It's about four hours from New York, so this will make it easy to see my husband on the weekends and I think it will work out well for everyone. I can make sure my grandmother is safe and cared for and driven places during the winter when it's hard for her to get around. I can make her healthy meals and make her laugh and she can play with the baby as much as she wants. In return, I get company, help with the baby and precious time spent with people I love that I don't get to see enough and maybe, if I'm very lucky, I will get some snow and Baby Lawns will get to play in it. I will also get Trader Joe's because there's one on the way from the airport.
I'm pretty excited. I also have an air card this trip so we'll see if we can get some internet for me. Last summer I about lost my mind. My grandmother lives so far in the country that her TV doesn't even get good reception because the dang signal is so weak. We have to watch DVDs a lot because of it. Can you even imagine? I don't even want to talk about the lack of Whole Foods on top of that, the closest of which is in Annapolis. But you know what? I will live and I will have a good time. I can eat conventional produce. I can, maybe, do without constant technology. Or not. I don't know.
Next time I write, I'll be up north!
Here's the deal: my husband is working in New York now more than he isn't and we are so damned thankful that he has this job, you have no idea. However, it requires that I am alone a lot and I've been getting lonely. My parents are RVing around the country and I can't be all up in my sister's business constantly, so I thought, hmm. I know someone else who is alone in the winter and would love to have me around. MOMMOM! So the baby and I are going to stay with my grandmother in the town that I call Millpond, but which, BIG REVEAL, is actually Milford, Delaware of all places. So I will be in rural, southern Delaware with crappy internet and cell phone service and pretzel salad on menus for an extended period of time. It's about four hours from New York, so this will make it easy to see my husband on the weekends and I think it will work out well for everyone. I can make sure my grandmother is safe and cared for and driven places during the winter when it's hard for her to get around. I can make her healthy meals and make her laugh and she can play with the baby as much as she wants. In return, I get company, help with the baby and precious time spent with people I love that I don't get to see enough and maybe, if I'm very lucky, I will get some snow and Baby Lawns will get to play in it. I will also get Trader Joe's because there's one on the way from the airport.
I'm pretty excited. I also have an air card this trip so we'll see if we can get some internet for me. Last summer I about lost my mind. My grandmother lives so far in the country that her TV doesn't even get good reception because the dang signal is so weak. We have to watch DVDs a lot because of it. Can you even imagine? I don't even want to talk about the lack of Whole Foods on top of that, the closest of which is in Annapolis. But you know what? I will live and I will have a good time. I can eat conventional produce. I can, maybe, do without constant technology. Or not. I don't know.
Next time I write, I'll be up north!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year everyone. Get ready because tonight marks the beginning of a year long onslaught of news stories, articles and TV programs devoted to the coming apocalypse. By next December you'll be so sick of hearing about it that you'll wish the world was ending, which it isn't by the way.
New Year's Eve is one of those days for me, like stinking Valentine's, that always disappoints because it's so heavy with expectation that the night can never live up to what you think it ought to be, or what it looks like in movies, or other people's lives. I'm kind of a New Year's Scrooge and I plan on staying that way. I'm so damned tired that I know I won't last 'til midnight and I'm having dinner with my parents tonight. It's kind of like when we were growing up. My parents never went out back then and they'd have champagne while we had soda and everyone would share a platter of Ritz crackers, pepperoni and longhorn cheese while we watched Dick Clark. It was great.
I'm making a big resolution this year. A few piddly ones too, but one big one. Wait, two. Resolution One is to finish the book, but I think I've got that under control for the most part.
2012 will be the year of NO GOSSIP.
A few awful things have happened this year to people I cared about and I watched as they became the fodder for gossip and I was close enough to the situations at times that people came to me for information and I could tell it wasn't because they genuinely cared about the people involved. It was because they wanted juicy bits. Sometimes it's for entertainment. Other times it's out of jealousy or spite. Schadenfreude. When people feel badly about themselves they love to hear stories about others who seemed to have it all and then got knocked down a few rungs and that is a shitty way to be.
I began to feel, I mean really feel, gossip's negative energy and how damaging and rotten it is to talk about people behind their backs. Gossips always say they were just curious or they care about the people but if you care about someone, don't talk about them behind their backs. Go directly to them and ask them yourself. Ask if you can help, let them vent, whatever, but don't talk about them when they aren't around and speculate and offer theories and say what you'd do in that situation or act like these people are another reality show with drama contrived just to entertain your sorry ass.
Our society is drama driven and we're totally desensitized to the suffering and emotions of others. Think about it. We watch other people's personal lives for fun now. We watch shows in which producers, for ratings, put people in situations that mess with their emotions so that we can gasp in horror and laugh at them. We're riveted by this crap and don't think that your obsession with the Kardashians or Teen Mom won't spill over into your real life until the lives of your friends and family and people around you become as meaningless to you as the lives of strangers on screen.
I'm guilty of it. Being a writer, I have always had a problem with this due to my love of a good story but I need to mindful about this tendency.
Gossip is a monster. People who thrive on it are beasts. Don't fuel them. Don't give them information. Don't let them talk about others to you. Call them out on it. Don't feed the monster.
Last, I saw this article that a reader posted on facebook and I read it in the middle of the night. It is so simply brilliant that I want you all to read it. Please. Here it is. It's about twelve stupid things to never do again. I'm a comparer. I need to stop.
Happy New Year all. Behave yourselves. Stay safe and don't forget your collards and black eyed peas tomorrow.
New Year's Eve is one of those days for me, like stinking Valentine's, that always disappoints because it's so heavy with expectation that the night can never live up to what you think it ought to be, or what it looks like in movies, or other people's lives. I'm kind of a New Year's Scrooge and I plan on staying that way. I'm so damned tired that I know I won't last 'til midnight and I'm having dinner with my parents tonight. It's kind of like when we were growing up. My parents never went out back then and they'd have champagne while we had soda and everyone would share a platter of Ritz crackers, pepperoni and longhorn cheese while we watched Dick Clark. It was great.
I'm making a big resolution this year. A few piddly ones too, but one big one. Wait, two. Resolution One is to finish the book, but I think I've got that under control for the most part.
2012 will be the year of NO GOSSIP.
A few awful things have happened this year to people I cared about and I watched as they became the fodder for gossip and I was close enough to the situations at times that people came to me for information and I could tell it wasn't because they genuinely cared about the people involved. It was because they wanted juicy bits. Sometimes it's for entertainment. Other times it's out of jealousy or spite. Schadenfreude. When people feel badly about themselves they love to hear stories about others who seemed to have it all and then got knocked down a few rungs and that is a shitty way to be.
I began to feel, I mean really feel, gossip's negative energy and how damaging and rotten it is to talk about people behind their backs. Gossips always say they were just curious or they care about the people but if you care about someone, don't talk about them behind their backs. Go directly to them and ask them yourself. Ask if you can help, let them vent, whatever, but don't talk about them when they aren't around and speculate and offer theories and say what you'd do in that situation or act like these people are another reality show with drama contrived just to entertain your sorry ass.
Our society is drama driven and we're totally desensitized to the suffering and emotions of others. Think about it. We watch other people's personal lives for fun now. We watch shows in which producers, for ratings, put people in situations that mess with their emotions so that we can gasp in horror and laugh at them. We're riveted by this crap and don't think that your obsession with the Kardashians or Teen Mom won't spill over into your real life until the lives of your friends and family and people around you become as meaningless to you as the lives of strangers on screen.
I'm guilty of it. Being a writer, I have always had a problem with this due to my love of a good story but I need to mindful about this tendency.
Gossip is a monster. People who thrive on it are beasts. Don't fuel them. Don't give them information. Don't let them talk about others to you. Call them out on it. Don't feed the monster.
Last, I saw this article that a reader posted on facebook and I read it in the middle of the night. It is so simply brilliant that I want you all to read it. Please. Here it is. It's about twelve stupid things to never do again. I'm a comparer. I need to stop.
Happy New Year all. Behave yourselves. Stay safe and don't forget your collards and black eyed peas tomorrow.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Parenting is Not a Career
Recently I had the pleasure of hearing two men make ignorant and insensitive remarks to their wives regarding their parenting responsibilities and the more I think about it, the madder I get.
The first man, whose wife was pregnant, was asked by a friend if he was ready for the sleepless nights that come with a newborn (and forever if you're me) and the man replied that he would be sleeping just fine because he wouldn't get up with the baby. He was the one with the job, you see, and his wife wouldn't be working. Her job was to take care of the baby. Since he worked all day ,when he got home, baby duty wasn't happening and his life would carry on just like before.
The second man didn't care to relieve his clearly exhausted wife of baby wrangling so that she could enjoy a moment of peace on Christmas. When asked, her husband also replied that her job was to take care of the baby because she didn't work and he had to go to the office every day to support them, therefore he shouldn't have to watch the baby during his time off.
There's a lot I'd like to say to these guys, but I'll refrain from cussing them out, and if I hadn't heard this sentiment reiterated numerous other times I'd probably not bother writing this, but dammit, parenting is not a career. You cannot equate it with having a job. It is work yes, but it is not employment. Being a nanny is a career. Being a parent is something else entirely.
Let me make it clearer for these guys, who have clearly been watching too much Mad Men and have somehow trapped their worldviews in the 1950s.
First, thank you for working to support your family. This is a wonderful thing and we stay at home moms are grateful, HOWEVER, you can't act like the only reason you're working is because you must support this burden of wife and child. You had a job before you got married and before you had a kid. If your family didn't exist, you'd still have to work.
You work for a set period of time each day. It's different for different jobs, but most dads are out of the house for ten hours, give or take, counting their commutes. Parents aren't parents for forty hours a week. They have to continue to take care of their children all day, every day, no matter what.
Laws require that workers get a break. Most people get a nice hour long lunch. You can relax at your desk, chill out in the break room or enjoy a meal in peace in a restaurant during this hour. This hour is yours to do as you please. During this hour you don't have a screaming child pulling on your leg as you try to heat a microwave meal, which you eat standing up as you simultaneously try to keep said child from pulling ant poison out from under the kitchen sink because your child has figured out how to disengage the child safety latches on the cabinets.
When you're at work if you have to go to the bathroom you can just get up and go. When you're home taking care of a child, you have to find a way to restrain the child, who then screams bloody murder while you try to express poop and nearly give yourself a hemorrhoid. You could also bring the child into the bathroom with you, but only if you feel like having the contents of your cabinets thrown haphazardly into the bathtub and your toilet paper roll completely unspooled while the baby chews on the toilet brush.
If you need to run an important errand during work or if you need to go to the doctor, in most cases, arrangements can easily be made. Stay at home parents not so much. Elaborate plans must be configured and babysitters must be found and paid. Simple tasks become arduous and complicated. Wow, it must be nice to be able to stop in for a latte at Starbucks on the way to the office without a wiggling little one strapped into a Bjorn, which is absolutely killing your back, and without then having to prevent the baby from grabbing everything in sight, including your scalding coffee. I know you complain about the commute and the traffic but I'd love to be able to sit in the car without my ears being pierced by bloodcurdling shrieks coming from the backseat because the baby can't handle the car seat and finds it totally unacceptable that you have to stop at red lights.
You may have a very demanding boss. Your boss might be a complete asshole, but I can guarantee you that no matter how awful your boss is, that he or she isn't calling you and hollering into your ear and demanding that you get your butt to work every two hours all night long every night while you wish desperately that you could just get some sleep. Your boss doesn't come mess up your house and then prevent you from cleaning it. Your boss would certainly allow you to get dressed without throwing a fit and I hope, that your supervisor doesn't demand that you pick him or her up and carry him or her around all day long. It is not your responsibility to keep your boss alive.
Let's not even discuss taking showers. Showers are a luxury for stay at home parents. For me, getting to take an uninterrupted shower, with listening to a sad baby, who you'd swear had just been abandoned to a wilderness wolf pack, whimper and whine in her jail of a crib, is akin to a full on spa day. I daydream about showers. You, with your jobs, can take as many showers as you want. You actually get to get up in the morning and take a shower every single day. I can't even imagine such a thing anymore.
When you have a job, you get days off. You get holidays. If you really hate your job, you can quit and get a new one. Parents don't have these options. Ever.
Supporting your family is a good good thing and I'm not saying that after a long day at work that you can't decompress or relax a little. I'm not even saying that you need to split parenting duties 50/50. I'm just saying that you need to show a little sensitivity and a little good sense. Stop equating staying at home with the kids to having a job and give your spouse some much needed assistance and relief whenever you can.
And let the poor woman take a shower for God's sakes. Look how greasy her hair is.
The first man, whose wife was pregnant, was asked by a friend if he was ready for the sleepless nights that come with a newborn (and forever if you're me) and the man replied that he would be sleeping just fine because he wouldn't get up with the baby. He was the one with the job, you see, and his wife wouldn't be working. Her job was to take care of the baby. Since he worked all day ,when he got home, baby duty wasn't happening and his life would carry on just like before.
The second man didn't care to relieve his clearly exhausted wife of baby wrangling so that she could enjoy a moment of peace on Christmas. When asked, her husband also replied that her job was to take care of the baby because she didn't work and he had to go to the office every day to support them, therefore he shouldn't have to watch the baby during his time off.
There's a lot I'd like to say to these guys, but I'll refrain from cussing them out, and if I hadn't heard this sentiment reiterated numerous other times I'd probably not bother writing this, but dammit, parenting is not a career. You cannot equate it with having a job. It is work yes, but it is not employment. Being a nanny is a career. Being a parent is something else entirely.
Let me make it clearer for these guys, who have clearly been watching too much Mad Men and have somehow trapped their worldviews in the 1950s.
First, thank you for working to support your family. This is a wonderful thing and we stay at home moms are grateful, HOWEVER, you can't act like the only reason you're working is because you must support this burden of wife and child. You had a job before you got married and before you had a kid. If your family didn't exist, you'd still have to work.
You work for a set period of time each day. It's different for different jobs, but most dads are out of the house for ten hours, give or take, counting their commutes. Parents aren't parents for forty hours a week. They have to continue to take care of their children all day, every day, no matter what.
Laws require that workers get a break. Most people get a nice hour long lunch. You can relax at your desk, chill out in the break room or enjoy a meal in peace in a restaurant during this hour. This hour is yours to do as you please. During this hour you don't have a screaming child pulling on your leg as you try to heat a microwave meal, which you eat standing up as you simultaneously try to keep said child from pulling ant poison out from under the kitchen sink because your child has figured out how to disengage the child safety latches on the cabinets.
When you're at work if you have to go to the bathroom you can just get up and go. When you're home taking care of a child, you have to find a way to restrain the child, who then screams bloody murder while you try to express poop and nearly give yourself a hemorrhoid. You could also bring the child into the bathroom with you, but only if you feel like having the contents of your cabinets thrown haphazardly into the bathtub and your toilet paper roll completely unspooled while the baby chews on the toilet brush.
If you need to run an important errand during work or if you need to go to the doctor, in most cases, arrangements can easily be made. Stay at home parents not so much. Elaborate plans must be configured and babysitters must be found and paid. Simple tasks become arduous and complicated. Wow, it must be nice to be able to stop in for a latte at Starbucks on the way to the office without a wiggling little one strapped into a Bjorn, which is absolutely killing your back, and without then having to prevent the baby from grabbing everything in sight, including your scalding coffee. I know you complain about the commute and the traffic but I'd love to be able to sit in the car without my ears being pierced by bloodcurdling shrieks coming from the backseat because the baby can't handle the car seat and finds it totally unacceptable that you have to stop at red lights.
You may have a very demanding boss. Your boss might be a complete asshole, but I can guarantee you that no matter how awful your boss is, that he or she isn't calling you and hollering into your ear and demanding that you get your butt to work every two hours all night long every night while you wish desperately that you could just get some sleep. Your boss doesn't come mess up your house and then prevent you from cleaning it. Your boss would certainly allow you to get dressed without throwing a fit and I hope, that your supervisor doesn't demand that you pick him or her up and carry him or her around all day long. It is not your responsibility to keep your boss alive.
Let's not even discuss taking showers. Showers are a luxury for stay at home parents. For me, getting to take an uninterrupted shower, with listening to a sad baby, who you'd swear had just been abandoned to a wilderness wolf pack, whimper and whine in her jail of a crib, is akin to a full on spa day. I daydream about showers. You, with your jobs, can take as many showers as you want. You actually get to get up in the morning and take a shower every single day. I can't even imagine such a thing anymore.
When you have a job, you get days off. You get holidays. If you really hate your job, you can quit and get a new one. Parents don't have these options. Ever.
Supporting your family is a good good thing and I'm not saying that after a long day at work that you can't decompress or relax a little. I'm not even saying that you need to split parenting duties 50/50. I'm just saying that you need to show a little sensitivity and a little good sense. Stop equating staying at home with the kids to having a job and give your spouse some much needed assistance and relief whenever you can.
And let the poor woman take a shower for God's sakes. Look how greasy her hair is.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas!
Have a wonderful holiday everyone. All I can tell you is that right before Thanksgiving I had the idea for my next book - a collection of essays about my family's long history of over the top holiday disasters called "O Holy Shit." The Christmas we've had this year has provided me one more essay and I've decided to take it as a sign that I absolutely must write this next book once the current one is done, which it almost is.
Last night we had a water main break in our city that shut off water to a quarter of a million people. We were on about fish five of the seven and were left with a gigantic mess and no water to clean it up and the best part of the night was when my mother accused my dad of not paying the water bill. It only got better from there, but the water's back on now. We can't drink it without boiling it, but hey, what are a few amoebas? I could use some dysentery to drop a couple of the holiday pounds I've put on. No, I'm just kidding. I do not want dysentery Universe. I was kidding. Do not give me dysentery.
The other great debate this season was what to have for Christmas dinner and no one could decide and we went through several options before my dad took over and decided to make a prime rib, which nearly sent my mom into convulsions because she must have turkey, but both would have been too much so she's making turkey tomorrow, meaning we get two days of Christmas dinners. I can live with that. I like it all.
I'm going to brunch with my husband and Baby Lawns here shortly so I can relax and enjoy my day and in spite of all the crap I've dealt with this past week, and some of it has been awful let me tell you, this has turned out to be a really great Christmas after all. May yours be even better.
Last night we had a water main break in our city that shut off water to a quarter of a million people. We were on about fish five of the seven and were left with a gigantic mess and no water to clean it up and the best part of the night was when my mother accused my dad of not paying the water bill. It only got better from there, but the water's back on now. We can't drink it without boiling it, but hey, what are a few amoebas? I could use some dysentery to drop a couple of the holiday pounds I've put on. No, I'm just kidding. I do not want dysentery Universe. I was kidding. Do not give me dysentery.
The other great debate this season was what to have for Christmas dinner and no one could decide and we went through several options before my dad took over and decided to make a prime rib, which nearly sent my mom into convulsions because she must have turkey, but both would have been too much so she's making turkey tomorrow, meaning we get two days of Christmas dinners. I can live with that. I like it all.
I'm going to brunch with my husband and Baby Lawns here shortly so I can relax and enjoy my day and in spite of all the crap I've dealt with this past week, and some of it has been awful let me tell you, this has turned out to be a really great Christmas after all. May yours be even better.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Merry Christmas - Frosted Almond Shortbreads
As a Christmas gift to you, I'm posting the recipe for the best cookies I have ever eaten. They are so good that they caused an honest to God fight. Make these and watch people beat the hell out of one another.
Frosted Almond Shortbreads
1/4 cup of sugar
2 sticks of butter
2 Cups flour
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. salt
1 Cup finely chopped almonds
Cream together sugar and butter. Beat in flour, salt and vanilla. Stir in the nuts. Roll dough into small balls and press down in the center to form a thumbprint indentation. Place them on a parchment lined cookie sheet and bake at 300 for 30 to 35 minutes.
Cool and ice. to make the frosting combine a cup of powdered sugar with 1/2 tsp. almond extract and enough water to make a paste. You can color half of it red and half green to be festive or just leave it white. Place a drop of frosting in the indentation of the cookies. Let it harden and let the fighting begin.
* I'm on the lookout for some Nasty-Assed cookie recipes. I've seen a couple involving cake mix and weird ingredients and things smashed up and mixed with cream cheese that sound pretty questionable. Please send me the nastiest cookie recipes you can find. Email them to me at widelawns@gmail.com.
Happy Holidays!
Frosted Almond Shortbreads
1/4 cup of sugar
2 sticks of butter
2 Cups flour
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. salt
1 Cup finely chopped almonds
Cream together sugar and butter. Beat in flour, salt and vanilla. Stir in the nuts. Roll dough into small balls and press down in the center to form a thumbprint indentation. Place them on a parchment lined cookie sheet and bake at 300 for 30 to 35 minutes.
Cool and ice. to make the frosting combine a cup of powdered sugar with 1/2 tsp. almond extract and enough water to make a paste. You can color half of it red and half green to be festive or just leave it white. Place a drop of frosting in the indentation of the cookies. Let it harden and let the fighting begin.
* I'm on the lookout for some Nasty-Assed cookie recipes. I've seen a couple involving cake mix and weird ingredients and things smashed up and mixed with cream cheese that sound pretty questionable. Please send me the nastiest cookie recipes you can find. Email them to me at widelawns@gmail.com.
Happy Holidays!
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