Sunday, August 24, 2014

Back to School: The 70s vs. Today, A Lot has Changed

Back to School in the 70s

1. Take the kids downtown to go shopping at Sears for back to school clothes the last week of August. Get everyone a new pair of corduroys and a striped tee shirt. Buy the boys a pair of dungarees and the girls a pair of culottes. No, Jennifer, you can't have that orange and red poncho. Promise you will crochet her a better one with much more fringe. Get the girls a package of that rainbow, fuzzy yarn they like in their hair. You are done. You have spent a total of $43.00. Now take everyone to the Woolworth's lunch counter for grilled cheeses and chocolate milk.

2. On the night before the first day of school (that would be the Sunday night after Labor Day, of course, you know, mid-September) throw the kids in the way back of the station wagon and drag them downtown to Eckerds, K-Mart, Ames, Dollar General, Drug Fair or the like and hurry them over to the back-to-school area to pick out a lunchbox. Make sure to tell them get a move on because you don't have all night for them to make a damn decision. They need to get in bed by eight and yes, they're going to miss the Wonderful World of Disney if they can't decide between The Fonz and Dukes of Hazzard. Good Lord, why is it so hard for them to pick? Tell Kimberly if she can't make up her mind between Holly Hobbie and The Bionic Woman then you're going to pick Pigs in Space and you don't want to hear another word about it until June. Grab a composition book for each of them and a pack of pencils too. That's all they need. Remember to save some grocery bags so they can cover their textbooks with them after the first day of school.

3. Buy yourself a pack of Virginia Slims on the way out and smoke three of them on the way home.

4. Get up in the morning and make yourself a cup of Sanka with Sweet 'n' Low. Line up all the lunchboxes on the formica counter top in your kitchen. Open up a bag of Wonder Bread and do this assembly line style.

5. Spread yellow mustard on bread. Slap baloney on bread. Unwrap American cheese slices and put on top of baloney. Put top on the sandwich and wrap sandwich in tin foil or wax paper. Put it in the lunchbox. Every kid gets the same exact lunch. Period.

6. Alternate sandwich choices could include: peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff, the end of last night's leftover roast beef or the ever popular with children tuna fish with large chunks of onions and celery and Miracle Whip.

7. Put some Planter's Cheese Balls into a baggie and close with a twist tie.

8. Take Twinkies out of the box. Put one in each child's lunch box.

9. Fill Thermoses with either Kool-Aid or whole milk.

10. Include a red delicious apple even though you know that damned apple is just going to come home uneaten again, which is fine because you can keep adding the same one until it practically rots.

11. Close the lunchboxes. You're done. Go put some Barry Manilow on the record player and celebrate that your kids are out of the house until dinner time. They'll grab them, along with a frosted, dutch apple Pop-Tart on the way out the door as they walk a half mile down the road to get to the bus stop.

Back to School 2014

1. Take five deep breaths and say a positive affirmation. School begins in two weeks. It is the middle of July. Don't worry, you still have time to order BPA-free bento boxes and authentic Indian tiffins made with special stainless steel that did not involve any child-labor, sweat shops or animal cruelty. Remember, you have Amazon Prime. You can get the free two day shipping and you will have plenty of time to read reviews and make this very important decision because your kids are in summer "camp" which is actually just another word for school in the summer because OH MY GOD you were so tired that day you had to have them home all day with you and you couldn't go to your restorative flow class at yoga. And that was also the day something went terribly wrong with the homemade glitter cloud dough recipe that was supposed to go in their sensory bin and the very same day that they were out of soy milk at Starbucks and you had to immediately email corporate to let them know that duh, they should actually be selling almond milk and/ or coconut milk. Get with it Starbucks. Soy is so 90s.  Ugh, but you digress. The tiffin. The bento boxes...

2. One Week Later: The bento boxes and tiffins have arrived. So has your childrens' school's annual list of school supplies that you must purchase and deliver. It is three and a half pages long.  It includes a ten pound bag of flour and several cleaning products and also requests a Costco-sized package of toilet paper.

3. Begin frantic online search for backpacks and school bags made from all natural materials yet still "cool." Have them monogrammed.

4. Take kids shopping at the mall for new school clothes. Buy them each a completely new wardrobe from Gymboree and Crew Cuts. Spend $2,387.07 on your credit card.

5. Take children to the child psychologist to prepare them mentally for the difficult transition to a new grade, new teacher and new classroom.

6. Intently study the allergy list the school has sent you which lists all the items that other children in your children's classes are allergic to and thus cannot be sent in your child's lunch either. This is extremely stressful because the last thing you (or anyone) wants to be responsible for is sending a second grader into anaphylactic shock. Make notes on your phone so you can remember what not to buy when you go to Whole Foods.

7.  Purchase school supplies for your children. Not to be confused with the 3 1/2 page list of classroom supplies you are also responsible for. They will need paper, pens, folders, notebooks, a calligraphy set, fifteen new apps for their tablets, a graphing calculator, a scalpel, an electron microscope and a centrifuge.

8. Go to Whole Foods to shop for school lunch items. This will take 4 hours and 15 minutes because you have to read every single label to make sure you are purchasing organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, gluten-free, allergy friendly products. You come home with tahini, bananas and a package of brown rice cakes. You somehow spent $76.19.

10. The night before the first day of school prepare the bento boxes. Fill containers with organic, local strawberries intricately cut into the shapes of  sea creatures. Include homemade, nut free granola made with certified gluten-free oats. Make a sandwich on vegan hemp bread out of tahini, kale and jicama. Form it into the shape of your child's favorite Disney character. Make flowers out of non-dairy cheese slices, olives and seaweed. Photograph the finished Bento Box and post it to Instagram.

 11. Write your child an encouraging note which includes an inspirational quote.

12. Include a sheet of stickers for good measure.

13. Fill a Siig bottle with filtered water and also include a box of chilled coconut water in the Bento Box because children can never be too hydrated. Ever.

14. Blog about this experience. Pray it goes viral and is picked up by HuffPo.

15. Get up at four in the morning on the first day of school. Make first day of school signs for each child to hold as you photograph them on the front step. Make a bunting to hang above the front door. Blow up balloons. Actually, go ahead and make a full on back to school photo booth.

16. Make pancakes in the shape of the letters of the alphabet.

17. Dress kids in coordinated outfits and spend 35 minutes posing and photographing them (with your phone).

18. Load everyone into the car to drive them to school.

19. When they are safely in their new classrooms, return to your car to cry for the next 20 minutes. But it's okay, really. You'll be back in six hours to pick them up and drive them to Synchronized Swimming, Cello and Urdu classes this afternoon. 
Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Overheard at the Park - Mary Poppins, Where Are You Edition

It's been a long time since we've had a good "Overheard at the Park" and mostly that's because it's Florida in the summer, meaning that it feels like a wet furnace outside and indoor fun is far more desirable. Once October comes around maybe we'll be more inclined to venture outside more.

But still, the park exists and we still attempt to brave the heat and go and with the park in South Florida, assholes are inevitable.

Case in point:

Three Year Old: Mommy, Mommy! I need to go potty!!

Mother: Honey, please. Mommy is talking, sweetheart. Your nanny will be back from getting my Starbucks in two minutes. Can't you hold it until she gets here?

Three Year Old: But Mommy, I need to pee pee!!

Mother: Sweetie, I told you Nanny will be right back and she can take you.

Yes, folks. There you have it. A mother who cannot even take her own child to the bathroom at the park.

Don't you wish you lived here? And if anyone has the nerve to tell me I'm being judgmental, I'm going to come after you through this computer screen.
Thursday, July 24, 2014

Sun Shower: Magic, Forgiveness and How I Learned to Bloom Where I Was Planted on Kindle!

I have big news!! Today is the day! My second memoir, the sequel to Amateur Night at the Bubblegum Kittikat, is now out!

 Sun Shower: Magic, Forgiveness and How I Learned to Bloom Where I Was Planted is now available on Kindle!

Paperback, Nook and iBooks versions will be available soon as well.

This book picks up right where the last one left off and follows my (mis)adventures the next year.

I hope you love it!

Monday, June 30, 2014

The Kind of Princess Disney Needs Next.

I'm nine days into my vacation in California and having an absolute blast and part of the fun has been being able to spend plenty of time in Disneyland!

Now, I went through a phase of being less than enchanted with the Magic Kingdom and I think this is just because I got old and didn't have kids and I went through a phase of kind of being over the whole thing - the crowds, the heat, the drive to Orlando, bleh.

But now, I'm experiencing an all new love for Disney as I see it again through my three year old daughter's eyes. That and I have discovered that I like my experience at DisneyLAND here in California more than my former experiences at DisneyWORLD in Florida. Mainly, I like the cool, dry weather here much more and I like that it's closer to where my in-laws live so instead of a three hour plus drive to Orlando from where I live, we can do a 20 minute drive up the Freeway and boom, there we are. I also find Disneyland smaller and more manageable and it has been significantly less crowded. Besides that, I absolutely love the California Adventure park. It's super cool, very pretty and I find it relaxing.

Part of the Disney experience with a little girl is going to involve princesses. Lots of princesses. I used to be kind of anti the whole princess thing, but I've come around especially after the past few days getting to meet some of them. Let me just tell you, the girls who play those Disney princesses are so incredibly sweet and lovely with the children. They're a lot of fun and all the Disney employees make the experience so meaningful with their thoughtfulness.

Part of what has redeemed the whole princess thing for me is that Disney has really made an effort in the past several years to create more diverse princesses who are really good role models. My daughter likes Merida because she climbs and jumps and shoots a bow and likes to play outside. She's three so she doesn't get the whole getting married thing yet. My favorite princess is Tiana because I just think it's the coolest thing in the world that a princess likes to cook and has a goal to own her own restaurant. Plus, she has what I think is the prettiest dress. Just kidding. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to having my photo taken with Tiana at some point on this trip and yes, I will post it if I get one.

So we have a black princess, princesses who don't want a prince, princesses who like to play outside, princesses who like to read, princesses who save all of China by dressing like boys, princesses who are brave and funny, awkward, plucky, kind, sweet and princesses who are more complicated characters than dear, helpless Cinderella and I love that. I love that more different looking princesses are being celebrated, but I still think Disney has a little further to go in that department.

What Disney really needs is a fat princess.

Now that would be truly revolutionary.

And a fat princess would be a hero to so many girls and women who feel they don't live up to the willowy standard of beauty to which every single other princess regardless of race, culture or personality conforms.

In the past, all of the curvier or more overweight characters in Disney films have been either evil, old or stupid. I'd like to see a more voluptuous princess who is smart, independent, beautiful and complex. I'd like to see her weight not being a main issue in the storyline either, as in that it's something for her to overcome. Her weight should be secondary to her real story, whatever that might happen to be.

Disney is doing much better with their fairies of Pixie Hollow. If you haven't seen any of the Tinkerbell spin-off movies, I highly recommend them. I'm a big fan. The animation is gorgeous for one thing and the fairies are extremely diverse and YES! There is a fat fairy in Pixie Hollow. Her name is Fairy Mary.

I'd like to start a Fairy Mary fan club. Fairy Mary embodies everything that I'd like to see in a princess. She is confident, beautiful, smart and in a leadership position in the fairy world. She isn't old, evil or stupid at all. In fact, she shows extremely good sense and her weight is never, ever mentioned or an issue in the story. She's just a big, beautiful fairy loved as she is. On top of that, she is the best ice skater of all the fairies, so she's even athletic! Here is a blog post that someone else wrote all about Fairy Mary that I think is an excellent and eloquent read. 

Disney is definitely headed in the right direction. I love that we now have single princesses, warrior princesses, entrepreneurial princesses and bold, intelligent princesses who do their own thing. I love that we have a Native American princess, a black princess, and a Chinese princess. We need a princess who truly goes against tradition by daring to redefine our preconceived notions of what it means to be beautiful.

Come on Disney. You can do this.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Good Ideas...For Someone Else.

I have more ideas than I know what to do with or that I have the actual skills to put into action. Every day I think up new stuff that someone else ought to do, so I thought I'd share a couple.

1. I want someone to start a blog where for a set period of time, say, two weeks or so, they try a new diet plan and report on it everyday and say what they ate and what it was like and how they felt and if the diet works. For example, they could do Paleo for a couple weeks, then try a vegan diet, then maybe do Atkins, then South Beach, then Weight Watchers and then go all raw for two weeks. I would be totally fascinated by a non-biased, experimental, almost scientific approach to trying and reporting on these diets. It could probably even be turned into a pretty interesting book at the end of a year or so. Reasons why I won't be doing this? I am lazy and totally undisciplined and could never stick with any crazy eating plan for more than like a meal at a time.

2. Somebody needs to write a children's book that teaches kids about privacy. As in, leave Mommy alone when she is going potty. Please. I seriously cannot go to the bathroom in peace. Between my daughter and the cat, because the two of them have actually teamed up with the common goal of not letting me poop in peace, I will never, ever have a moment's privacy. I really need a book that teaches my daughter about this. I'm not even kidding, the other night we were out in the yard and the cat was pooping in the flower bed and she was all up in the cat's business. Maybe we could title the book "Let Me Poop in Peace!!" The alternate title could be "Get Out of the Cat's Ass."

3. Most women hate their nipples, especially after childbirth. You know how they have vaginal rejuvenation surgery? They need nipple rejuvenation and nipple reduction surgery too. I have a friend who says after nursing her son her nipples look like Ipswitch clams. Lots of other women think their nipples are too big or weird looking. In fact, all the women I know are way more self-conscious about their nipples than their vaginas. If someone could come up with a nipple fixing cosmetic procedure they would be a gazillionaire.
Monday, June 16, 2014

How to Have Fun With Your Friends Like You Did When You Were a Teenager

“Forever Young, I want to be forever young…” – Alphaville, 1984.

Although my grown-up friendships are profound and fulfilling, I sometimes long for the excitement and adventure of my teen years when everything I did with my friends took on a sense of thrilling urgency. I miss both the innocence of adolescence and its experimental sort of naughtiness.  Back then I lived in a world that buzzed with anticipation. I survived middle school and emerged butterfly-like from puberty, and my burgeoning independence intoxicated me. 

Everything was fun. 

But you know what? Life is intoxicating now too. Everything is still fun.

There is absolutely no reason that we can’t bring a little bit of that teenaged excitement back into our lives once in a while no matter how old, fat and wrinkled we’ve become (or not). It simply takes a little imagination and some courage.

Forget  the dry dinners out and stuffy cocktail parties of adulthood. Here’s how to have fun with your friends like you did when you were a teenager.

Spend a day at the mall. 
Yes, you may do this already, but going to the mall as a grownup isn’t the same as it was when you were a kid. Back then we used to wander around the mall for entertainment, not to run errands. Leave your to-do list at home, bring your best friend and roam freely, arm in arm. Try on fancy dresses for which you have no occasion. Get free makeovers at the MAC counter. Buy a new tube of Clinique’s Raspberry Glace. It was your first lipstick. They still make it and it still looks pretty. Share a soft pretzel and a cherry slushy and giggle at all the crazy, racy toys in Spencer’s. Bonus? You don’t have to find a payphone to call your mom to pick you up when you’re ready to come home.
Go to an amusement park, a fair or a boardwalk. 
Ride the rides, win at skee ball, get an old time photo taken because you always wanted to do that and your parents would never let you. Go nuts on the Gravitron, pig out on carnival food and then scream your way through the Haunted House before you conquer the bumper cars. Be as silly as you can. Walk an invisible dog or buy that turd bird you always wanted. Wait, why did you want that, anyway?

Have a sleepover. 
Sleep in the same bed and stay up all night talking. Make popcorn and binge on a late night John Hughes marathon. Wonder if you’re more Amanda Jones or Watts. Swoon over Andrew McCarthy. Cry, laugh and tell secrets.

Scare the hell out of yourself. 
Teenagers love a good scare. Since they don’t have real world fears yet -taxes, high deductibles, mortgages, threats of layoffs at the company and you know, actual scary stuff, they like spooky thrills to get their hearts racing. Share supernatural stories with your friends, go on a ghost tour, get lost in a corn maze together. Take a walk or a drive through a graveyard at night just like you did in high school. Even better if it’s foggy. Wear all black and sit amongst the gravestones and listen to Dead Can Dance and This Mortal Coil. Then, go home and watch the movies that terrified you as a kid: Nightmare on Elm Street, Poltergeist, Prom Night.

Sneak out.
Sneaking out as an adult doesn’t have the exact same sense of danger as it did when you were fifteen. You can’t get caught and get grounded now after all, but find a good friend and take a walk at night. Be careful, of course, and use the good sense you probably didn’t have when you were younger. For old time’s sake, find your way onto a golf course, run screaming from the security guards and get soaked by the sprinklers.

Roller skate
Put your hair in a side ponytail and slip on some pin-striped Jordache jeans and hit the roller rink for an afternoon or evening of retro fun. Eat crappy, roller rink pizza (oh the memories of that taste). Ask the DJ to play some 80s classics so you can shuffle to The Romantics, The Scorpions, Culture Club, Duran Duran, Billy Ocean and Yes. Couples skate to Phil Collins. Yeah, you know you still remember all the words to “Against All Odds.”

Get tickets to see your favorite band.
Wear cheesy tee shirts, sing every song at the top of your lungs and sneak your way up to the front row so you can make eyes at the lead singer. Scream and yell, whistle and dance your butt off. This is way more fun as an adult because you’ve outgrown your adolescent self-consciousness and you don’t have to worry about what the hot guy you like will think about you acting like a nutcase in public. You married him and he already knows you’re nuts. Even better than that is now you have no curfew. You can stay out as late as you want and you don’t have to call your mom at ten to check in. On the way home, be sure and stop at the greasiest 24-hour diner you can find for a late night grilled cheese, fries and milkshake. Don't you dare even think about calories.

Cast a Spell
My friends and I totally, okay, desperately wanted to be witches when we were in high school. It’s a little embarrassing to admit now, but at one point we wanted to start our own coven. Mainly this was because we wanted to magically make the boys we liked fall madly in love with us. It was silly and it was fun and as adults, we could still use a little mysticism. Bring some mystery into adulthood. Believe in magic again. Cast a love spell or two. Be careful though. Remember what happened to those girls in The Craft.

Throw a bonfire party.
Good news. You don’t have to wait for someone’s parents to go out of town. Get the red Solo cups ready because it’s party time. Back in high school, all sorts of legendary debauchery happened at bonfires. They were a really big deal and bonfires can still be fun. Use that fire pit you put in last summer, invite a bunch of friends over, put some REM on the boom box and let the fun begin. Start a game of Truth or Dare, have a Dead Milkmen sing along, roast some hot dogs and make s’mores. If you’re feeling really wild and you’re single, Spin the Bottle might be in order.

Make a photo album.
Not on Facebook or Instagram. I’m talking a real photo album, with actual prints that you have to get developed. Take a bunch of pictures with your best friends. If you’ve known each other since high school, maybe recreate some of your best memories all over again and document the hilarity. When you get the prints, arrange the pictures on the sticky pages and cover with the plastic film and give the albums as gifts.

Go thrift store shopping. Buy funky vintage outfits.
Remember back in high school when no one had any money and twenty dollars seemed like a fortune? Remember how many outfits you could get at the Goodwill for ten bucks? And cool stuff too! Nothing has changed. You can find a lot of surprising second hand treasures. Get together with your BFF or a group of girls, dig out your old Cure tee shirts and clunky Mary Janes and go pop some tags! Hit every used clothing store and yard sale in town and make a day of it. Then go out that night wearing your funky, (not-so) new outfits. You always wanted to be cool and dress like Iona from Pretty in Pink when you grew up. Here’s your chance.

Go Swimming at Night. Naked.
No further explanation needed here. Skinny-dipping at night is the best. REM even wrote a song about it.

Hang Out at the Bookstore.
Some of my greatest hours as a teen were spent hanging out with my friends at the bookstore. We’d gather armfuls of books and find a quiet corner where we’d sit on the floor and flip through romance novels until we found dirty parts. We’d creep ourselves out in the occult section and fantasize about cool clothes with fashion mags like Sassy. We’d read funny books like The Joy of Sex, cookbooks, anything really and then we’d head over to the cafĂ© for an iced hazelnut latte with extra whipped cream, feeling a little smug that we were grown up enough to drink coffee. You know what else? It’s okay to read trashy books and Young Adult novels as a grownup too, so go ahead and get that V.C. Andrews series. 

Make Mischief, Rebel a Little, Indulge, Experiment.
This is what made being a teenager so much fun. Our lives were thrilling because we had few responsibilities, we felt free (but not too free that it was scary) and we were brave enough to buck authority once in a while. We experimented with everything from our own identities, to what music we liked and how we dressed and it didn’t matter. Trying new things was like our job in life, yet somehow, as we grow older and take on more adult roles like mom and dad and branch manager, we lose touch with our wilder, younger, braver selves. The good news is that we can always find a balance. We can bring adventure back and as an adult it’s even better. No curfews, no worries about getting grounded and yay, no drinking age to worry about. Plus, everyone can drive now, so way easier. Have fun, but caution. You can now be charged as an adult, so no stealing your neighbors’ mailboxes, k?

Amazon Search Box

About Me

Blog Archive




Share it